(Kevin Costner introduced the Daniel Craig popsicle to the American Indian. Most historians say it caused their downfall.)
Collider recently broke the news that Daniel Craig, fresh off his AIDS mustache tour with Hugh Jackman, would replace Robert Downey Jr. in Cowboys and Aliens for Jon Favreau and Dreamworks.
Craig would play Zeke Jackson, the lead character in a story about Apache Indians and Western settlers who must lay their differences aside when an alien spaceship crash lands in Silvery City, Arizona. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (“Transformers,” “Star Trek”) adapted the script.
Still no word on whether this too will be in 3D, but at a recent script meeting, execs asked Kurtzman/Orci, “Could this Zeke Jackson fall in love with a Pocahontas Cat Monkey? Audiences really seem to respond to that.”
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Alternate title: Brokeback Space Mountain
There’s your fucking answer, Paula Cole. Now shave your goddamn armpits.
“Serenity” perfected the western/sci-fi combo after Will Smith fucked it up.
Leave it alone already.
You know who could make this work? Will Smith. Think about it. Soak it in. That’s right.
Vince Vaughn will play the alien spaceship
Just so you Gringos know “alien spaceship” is not a Lowrider.
Ah, the Apache. The go-to tribe for all things injun in Hollywood. YOu almost wouldn’t think there were you, know, several thousand others.
*Paints face and dances around with chicken on head*
*Alien spaceship crash lands
Zeke Jackson: Hey uh, we’re gonna need those blankets back
“No offense, sir, but I don’t think ‘bring them some beads but cough on them first’ is going to work this time…”
Daniel Craig just wants to skip the peace pipe and smoke the totem pole.
The Indian will take the aliens to his leader but then he’s gonna take them back.
This whole thing sounds stupid enough to be a Fox project.
Favreau: I’m going to teach you to speak Apache.
Craig: How?
F: Done!
They only gave the natives blankets because they were restless.
Daniel Craig “scalps” by pulling back foreskins.
Craig needs teepee in his bunghole.
Chief Sitting Owl is more HOW than WHO.
Gigantic spider in the third act or GTFO!
When Daniel Craig makes a Philliphino boy go down on him against his will, he calls it his happy trail of tears.
Indians and cowbays teaming up to fight aliens is a wet dream to Lou Dobbs.
Cowbay? Why yes, also known as “barns.”
Favreau: So, remember how people seemed to respond to District 9?
Studio Chief: HURRRRR.
Favreau: Well what about District 9….with cowboys and indians?
Studio Chief: HURRRRR.
Robert Downey Jr left because he had originally mis-uread the Blackfoot Nations’ name
“Wounded Knee” is what Daniel Craig gets when he blows a guy in a gravel parking lot.
I get the feeling I’ve said that ^ before.
I will accept this if the aliens are from the planet Monte Carlo and want to teach everyone how to play a little game they like to call “Blackjack.”
Main source of comic relief thorughout the film will be Craig’s character insisting to the Indians that his name isn’t “Jackson Zeke Jackson”
Zeke, smiling smugly: Nice ship. It’s an Aston Martian, I presume?
/takes tomahawk to the forehead
PowerBook 5300 or kiss your ass goodbye, Zeke.
Robert Downey, Jr. only wanted to be in this movie if he could do it in redface.
This would probably work better as a “re-imagining” of F-Troop.
FML-Troop.