That The Hurt Locker went home empty handed sort of sums up the joke that is the Golden Globe awards, but I’m going to cover them anyway because Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wo
uld’ve wanted it this way. Avatar won the big award of the night and you can see part of James Cameron’s acceptance speech above. (With hair provided by meninladywigs.com).
“If you have to go four and a half light years to a made-up planet to appreciate this miracle of a world we have right here, well you know what? That’s the wonder of cinema right there, that’s the magic.”
“…And I am the head magician! ABRA CADABRA, MOTHERF*CKERS!” he shouted before taking a dump in a nest of $100 bills and throwing it at a $10,000-a-night prostitute.
Winners in bold:
BEST PICTURE (DRAMA)
• Avatar
• The Hurt Locker
• Inglourious Basterds
• Up In the Air
• Precious [A retarded choice and not the least bit surprising. It's the one you'd probably say was the best if these were the only five movies you'd ever seen. "Don't ever leave me, Pocahontas Cat Monkey, only the white man can save you from himself!" *rapes pterodactyl*]BEST PICTURE (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
• Nine
• It’s Complicated
• Julie and Julia
• The Hangover
• 500 Days of Summer [Oh em gee, I can't believe they didn't pick It's Complicated. I would've liked to see Mike Tyson and Meryl Streep share a stage.]BEST ACTOR (DRAMA)
• Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
• George Clooney, Up in the Air
• Colin Firth, A Single Man
• Morgan Freeman, Invictus
• Tobey Maguire, Brothers [I really wish Jeff Bridges would've told the bird-fart joke again.]
BEST ACTRESS (DRAMA)
• Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
• Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
• Helen Mirren, The Last Station
• Carey Mulligan, An Education
• Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria [I'm trying really hard not to make a mean joke about Gabourey Sidibe right now. Let's ignore that for now and point out that the HFPA loves stories about white folks helpin' minorities.]BEST ACTOR (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
• Matt Damon, The Informant!
• Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 500 Days of Summer
• Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man
• Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes [for basically playing himself. Matt Damon was seriously underrated in The Informant!, though Michael Stuhlbarg probably should've won. Haha, "stool barge". I didn't see Nine, but it looks like Daniel Day-Lewis and Harrison Ford have the same pirate-earring guy.]
BEST ACTRESS (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
• Sandra Bullock, The Proposal
• Marion Cotillard, Nine
• Julia Roberts, Duplicity
• Meryl Streep, It’s Complicated
• Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia [Good choice, HFPA. No one can complain about Meryl Streep winning an award, and not giving it to Sandra Bullock robs me of the easy eagle-stole-my-Blackberry joke. A-holes.]
SUPPORTING ACTOR
• Matt Damon, Invictus
• Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
• Christopher Plumber, The Last Station
• Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
• Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds [Duh. Easiest award to predict since Heath Ledger. My only issue is with calling him a "supporting actor" when he was in almost every scene. Meanwhile, Matt Damon's character in Invictus was so flat and one-dimensional they might as well have gotten Paul Walker.]
SUPPORTING ACTRESS
• Penelope Cruz, Nine
• Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
• Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
• Mo’Nique, Precious
• Julianne Moore, A Single Man [I was hoping Mo'Nique would turn in a delightfully batsh*t acceptance speech, and instead it was just really touching. Bitch.]DIRECTOR
• James Cameron, Avatar
• Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
• Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
• Clint Eastwood, Invictus
• Jason Reitman, Up in the Air [Beating out Tarantino and Clint Eastwood? $400 million+. Rubbing your success in your ex-wife's face? Priceless.]ANIMATED FILM
• Coraline
• Fantastic Mr. Fox
• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
• The Princess and the Frog
• Up [Hard to argue with Pixar, but I think I would've gone Fantastic Mr. Fox on this one. It was arguably more innovative and had the added bonus of not trying harder to make me cry than a clique of high-school cheerleaders.]
SCREENPLAY
• Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell, District 9
• Nancy Meyers, It’s Complicated
• Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
• Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
• Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air [Up in the Air was pretty solid, and you could argue The Hurt Locker was more a triumph of directing than writing, while District 9 was easy to overlook on account of possibly scary race issues (though I would argue it was too convoluted as a parable to be offensive). Which still leaves Inglourious Basterds. Really? Up in the Air over Inglourious Basterds? Oh well.]FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
• Broken Embraces
• A Prophet
• The Maid
• The White Ribbon
• Baaria [From now on it will be customary to wear a white ribbon to promote foreign-movie awareness.]ORIGINAL SCORE
• Michael Giacchino, Up
• James Horner, Avatar
• Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant!
• Abel Korzeniowski, A Single Man
• Karen O. and Carter Burwell, Where The Wild Things Are [Um, cool?]ORIGINAL SONG
• ”Cinema Italiano” from Nine
• ”I See You” from Avatar
• ”The Weary Kind” from Crazy Heart
• ”I Want to Come Home” from Everybody’s Fine
• ”Winter” from Brothers [I haven't seen Crazy Heart, but it's always nice to see Nine lose.]
WarmingGlow has your TV winners.
[via Reddit]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-for-gravity-cuaron-movie-starring-clooney-and-bullock-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/java-heat-trailer-features-a-super-serious-kellan-lutz-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/james-Cameron-serkis-mo-cap-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Emma-Watson1-150x150.jpg)
$10,000 a night hookers are nothing
special to Jimmy C. He likes to call it “yesterday”.
The Golden Globes just went the reality TV dating route, choosing the attractive contestant over the contestant with substance.
At least Christoph Waltz won. And I can’t argue with RDJ’s award, because he actually deserves an award just for being RDJ.
Ok, so fuck me but here’s the joke I should’ve made on the last comment.
The biggest problem with taking a dump on a pile of hundreds and throwing them at a $10,000 a night hooker? You still have to pay her the 10k on top of the shit stained Benjis she’s already covered with. Exhorbitant bitch.
Dude, Up In The Air totally like deserved Best Screenplay. It was all totally like a metaphor for how the country like was feeling after 9/11
*takes bong hit
Now with more Christina Hendrick’s titties.
Now with more Christina Hendrick’s
tittiesAND ALLISON BRIE NUDE LESBIAN FISTING!!fixed
Imagine that, the Hollywood Foreign Press gave an award to the movie that’s an allegory for how evil America is when fighting against a native population for a highly-sought-after asset they don’t appreciate, but ignored the one that looks at how hard being a single soldier on that side actually is.
Hey! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??!! That’s not the dress I voted for Christina to wear to
her dismemberment and brutal rapethe Golden Globes.OK, I am going to shock everyone and go off topic here, but how can I share a birthday with Sam Kinison, Jim Morrison, Sammy Davis Jr., and…ANN COULTER. There is some kind of evil plot going on in the cosmos. A Romulan plot.
(Oh, and as an amusing sidenote, Dominic Monaghan and I have the same day and year! Pass that pipeweed, dude!)
Huh? What? Comment on the globes? Ummm…oh, “Dor sho gha! Look at them titties!”
Sorry, udder normal circumstances He would have a better mammary. Sweater puppies cleavage milk silos.
How dare you slander Romulans!!
Even I’m mesmerized by Christina Hendricks’ boobs. They’re like a beautiful sunset. A force of nature.
They’re like a beautiful sunset.
You might say they are a couple of….golden globes?
I’ll be in the corner.
They’re really more ivory than gold anyway.
On a more serious note, I’m bummed that District 9 didn’t win anything. It’s an infinitely better film than Avatar.
Sure, Avatar is pretty. But I never cared about the blue cat aliens. District 9, on the other hand, was so well done that it made me sympathize with giant insects. And that’s why it’s awesome.
Well, that and the explosions. And the Sweetie Man.
How dare you NOT slander Romulans?
I met a transvestite dressed like that once. He called himself “Orange sHerbert”.
I never thought I’d masturbate to that memory again…
golden globes pretty much sucked, but ricky gervais was really funny, i watched the first 30 mins of julie and julia and i was charmed by merryl streeps julia child impression, not as good as dan akroyd, but still good
I’m looking forward to this “Abidah” that Arnold kept talking about.
Christina Hendricks’ boobs make me want to turn gay in the hopes that she’ll try and sleep with me to cure my gayness. I’m pretty sure that’s how you get hot girls to sleep with you.
I’m not into the pale white vampire skin, no matter how big Christina Hendricks’s boobs are. I much prefer the tall, thin, dark Zoe “It’s Like Banging Manute Bol” Saldana.
FUCK YOU, JAMES HORNER!
the best part of James Cameron’s acceptance speeches was sticking it to the ex-wife…But i’m pretty sure his current squeeze wins in all of this because when he crashes and burns with him, she gets blue cat people money!!
The thirteen year old boy inside of me is rubbing it raw to that first pic of Hendricks.
What am I saying? I’m doing that now…
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is perhaps the most underrated film of the year. I work in animation, so there.
Thanks for the CH pics…
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is perhaps the most underrated film of the year. I work in animation, so there.
It’s not better than Up or Mr Fox, though, is it? So go animate yourself fucking yourself.