CHANNING TATUM BURNED HIS PENIS, SON
01.12.10
(“Arby’s represent, son.”)
Channing Tatum recently sat down with a writer from Details, and naturally, the subject quickly turned to penises. Specifically, the penis burn that Tatum suffered on the set of his latest movie, The Mumbliest Wigger. From HuffPo:
Filming “The Eagle of the Ninth” in Scotland, Tatum had to wade into freezing water in a wetsuit. “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”
Channing Tatum later showed the writer pictures taken after the incident, which he describes thusly:
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that’s been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it’s painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it.
Looking at pictures of Channing Tatum’s wiener, then describing Channing Tatum’s wiener in excruciating detail while also describing how looking at Channing Tatum’s wiener made your wiener feel is pretty much exactly what I expect from a Details article. Aren’t men’s mags awesome, bro? Let’s all go jerk each other off I mean watch Entourage. Oh hey look, FilmDrunk is the number one search result for “Channing Tatum’s wiener.”
Barely related: This is my favorite screen cap from the Details website:
Damn, bro, I think I saw an episode of MANswers about this! LET’S GO DO STUFF PEOPLE SAY IS COOL!
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Charring Tatum from now on.
Guys who work out that much are always have penis issues.
Yo girl, put some more of that aloe shit in your mouth while you’re blowing me.
Burned his penis? What did he call it a inky dinky pinky peeny in front of its friends? Cuz that’s a buuuurrrnnnn, yo!
Yo girl, the only details I care about is when you plans on going home.
Besides resembling a hot dog visually, Tatum’s penis is likewise comprised primarily of hog anus and eyeballs.
Yo girl, this is from a serious burn. You can’t actually see the other shit on my dick.
True story: The Mighty Feklahr once had a lesbian tell Him, “If I was into guys, I would really like you.” He thanked her as He got out of her PT Cruiser, admiring her hairy legs and Birkenstocks.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross.
I.can’t.stop.laughing.
COTW!
What the hell restaurant is that?
Tatum’s penis sounds like the name for a scientific principle. For example: According to Tatum’s Penis, one’s lack of desire to ever see something can in fact be increased if said object is in some way mutilated. The inverse effect can also be applied due to Tatum’s Penis’ second rule: If said object is mutilated beyond expectation, the lack of desire goes beyond the “further lack of desire” of the first rule to a complete need to see said mutilation. Refer to Weight Lifter’s Anal Prolapse for an example.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -AICN
I don’t know why: but whenever I see his name, I accidentally read it as “Charming Taintum”
Yo girl, my dick is peeling like a snake. Now check out the rise of cobra!
“Channing Tatum’s penis is gross.” – Zac Effron
Channing Tatum takes r, y, and ‘ out of Arby’s.
Was the cock all that was burned? Did he get a Chaffing Taintum?
So what’s his unit called again?
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Vampire Fleshlight
Who had “Boiling hot water in a wetsuit” in the “Why does Channing Tatum’s penis burn” pool? You just won a shitload of money.
See, this is why I don’t show my dick to people. Words can hurt as much as boiling hot water.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Girl #1 from 2 Girls 1 Cup
With Bea Arthur’s death and now this, should the phrase become “I wouldn’t fuck that with Channing Tatum’s dick!” ?
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Tom Cruise
Of course his penis appears angry. It’s attached to a dick.
Later, Tatum showed it to a Mohel who said “yep, that’s pretty normal. Smaller than I’m used to, though.”
Poaching fail
Channing Tatum’s dick should be cast as Renesmee
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Dept. of Weights and Measures
Donk-
Would that mean for Channing Tatum it is called a brisket?
Traumatized, he now calls it Quatto. He finds its command to “free Mars” troubling. Nonetheless he will activate the device.
That’s what he gets for having abs like that. It funneled the water right to his cock. That’s precisely the reason I don’t do sit ups. That and it’s nearly impossible to play xbox while doing them.
What do Channing Tatum and NYC pushcarts have in common?
They both overcook their wieners.
Stockard Channing’s penis however, retains the suppleness that made it a hit.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -John Bobbit
Stockard Channing Tatum O’Neil Patrick Harrison Ford’s Penis has 4 heads and they are all gross.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Courtney Love
I’ve been known to burn a penis.
/fast hands
Robert Zemeckis wants to mo-cap Channing Tatum’s penis.
Channing Tatum uses Spicy BBQ flavored condoms.
I’d fuck it -Carol Channing.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. – Tara Reid’s stomach
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Ellen Degeneres
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Damien Hirst
His balls popped like popcorn.
Channing Tatum’s penis, no mustard.- Joey Chestnut
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Chris Hanson
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. – Axe Body Spray
Channing Tatum’s penis is tempting. -Lindsey Lohan
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. – The Cast of Jersey Shore
Channing Tatum’s Penis is gross -Joe Francis.
I could make that ugly thing talk — Guillermo Del Toro
c-c-c-combo breaker
Channing Tatum’s acting is awful -Morton Salt
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Britney Spears’ vagina
I understand that it can seem a little scary at first, but once you get to know Channing Tatum’s penis you find out that it is really nice and tells the best riddles! -Ryan Gosling
Chino, that is terrible! Britney Spears’ vagina couldn’t have said that!… it mumbles
Channing Tatum’s penis ist gross – random german gay guy.
and speaks Sumerian
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Lemmy Kilmister’s mole
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. Now watch me choke on it. -Sasha Grey
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -tampon I just flushed down the toilet
El pene de Channing Tatum es grueso. – Menudo
Channing Tatum’s penis is TOAST! -Dr Peter Venkman
Channing Tatum’s penis is a bit over-cooked. -Jeffrey Dahmer
Channing Tatum’s penis? I’ll order a gross. – Lrrr, Ruler of Omicron Persei 8
HUMAN HORN!
Channing Tatum -did you hear about this, Kev?- Channing Tatum got hurt in an accident and apparently his penis got burned pretty badly…yeah, horrible, I know. His doctors say it looks like NBC’s Prime Time ratings! -Jay Leno
Can it pretend to play bass? -GWAR
Chafing Tatum’s penis is always being rubbed the wrong way.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Siegfried’s tiger
Yo girl, we’re all pink on the outside.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -My dog after eating her own shit
.ssoɹb sı sıuǝd s’ɯnʇɐʇ buıuuɐɥɔ – Paul Hogan
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Verne Troyer’s penis
Is the rec center that he saved going to hold a benefit for his dong?
Jack… awesome Futurama reference…
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross – Freddy Kruger
True Story time kiddies!
On a first date once the convo turned to blow jobs, I don’t remember how, before our appetizer had even shown up (Which sucked because the crab and parm stuffed portabellos at Uricchio’s are mana from heaven) and the date said, “Ew, I’d never put that gross thing in my mouth.” I paused, dropped $40 on the table, and walked out without a word.
Never Back Down 2: The Tip Taps Out
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Hot Pocket
Gives new meaning to, it burns when I pee.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. And a dirty Dutch immigrant. -H.P. Lovecraft
True story: the end of a pen is more germ-riddled than a penis, and I put them in my mouth all the time.
That poorly-written sentence was not intentionally misleading.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Gagging maggot
Well Al, next time you’re in Cali you get dinner and a ride home!
*”Air Canada? Immediate direct YVR to BFL, please”*
SJP: Neeeiiiiigh!
*stomps hoof four times*
Matthew Broderick: I agree, it is gross.
*Feeds her a carrot, sticks one up his own ass.*
Travis Barker thinks Channing Tatum is a whiny bitch.
Hey Crappy, didn’t you guys just have an earthquake or something?
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Michelle Owen’s home videos
FML. – Channing Tatum’s penis
Awriiiight… it’s 2pm which means we’re stuck on Channing’s dick for the rest of the day.
PST FTW
Eh, there was a little one just east of LA/San Bernadino, didn’t do anything.
I wouldn’t mind being stuck on a dick for the rest of the day.
You gonna eat that scab? – Morty’s college roommate.
Al, that wasn’t poorly written; it actually had poetic meter.
Tracy Jordan: Doctor Spaceman, Is Channing Tatum’s Penis is gross?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Real Doll
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross. -Condom made of lamb colon
OK OK OK – I just clicked on an old post that I probably shouldn’t have… some mob hitman put the kibosh on a movie deal because he thought that Mickey Rourke should portray him rather than Channing Tatum?
Sure, I’d want Sharon Stone for MY biopic, but wouldn’t Bea Arthur be a more reasonable representation?
Channing Tatum’s penis is Michael Gross -Meredith Baxter Birney
Channing Tatum’s scalded penis? That’s hot. -Paris Hilton, stating the effing obvious yet again
Burned penis? I hate it when someone overcocks my penis.
What a fucktard, when you get cold in a wetsuit you just piss in it like everybody else does.
I totally want him to send that picture to one of those “cartoon yourself” sites! I bet it would come out looking like Tetsuo at the end of Akira, lol!
“It appears angry”
That’s just because Channing drew an angry frownie on it.
>:(
[stops trying to find Cup-O-Noodles joke that works]
My penis hurts whenever I think about Anne Hathaways bewbs.
And that’s that.
[Lights self on fire, mounts tri-cycle, rolls down hill, goes flying off ramp into pool filled with blow up dolls]
Channing Tatum’s penis is gross -Frank Cauldhame
Details: “unpacked boxes still line the hardwood floors of the upstairs bedroom.”
I’m thinkin’ it’s cause he burned his penis.
*sings*
HOT POCKET
Damn, bro be grillin’ his tube steak
I bet he sticks it in some buns anyway.
I bet his hot dog has some moose-turd on it
I think this only proves that Scottish people cook weird sh*t all the time…now pass me some Haggis and Tatum’s hot-pink, singed, and shriveled penis.
*washes it down with a nice scotch*