toads-out-beotch

Cane toads are a lot like my ex girlfriends, so naturally I feel justified wearing this name tag (*points to sticker on chest: Hello my name is TOAD EXPERT*). But really, the similarities are uncanny: they both leave slimy residue behind, neither can seem to keep a steady job or drive a vehicle safely and, oh yeah I almost forgot, they’re f–king poisonous, too.

Unveiling what would be only the second 3-D title to ever play at Sundance, Tuesday night, director Mark Lewis eagerly introduced his cane toad documentary Cane Toads: The Conquest. Again, for all of our readers in the “unaffected by toads” category, let me repeat: IT’S A F–KING 3-D MOVIE ABOUT TOADS!

The irreverent docu is a follow-up to Lewis’ 1988 “Cane Toads: An Unnatural History,” about the introduction of the poisonous animals to Australia and the ravages wrought by the pesky amphibians. “Conquest” explores the toads’ migration and further destruction in the years since.

Tuesday night’s premiere was attended by curious buyers, including Harvey Weinstein and his staff from the Weinstein Co. “Conquest” drew a raucous reaction from the packed room. [Variety]

True story: my friend Matthew is deathly afraid of frogs/toads. It’s to the point of where you can’t even mention the word “amphibian” without him telling you what an a–hole he thinks you are. I was curious, so I asked him what would realistically happen if he sat down in a dark theater with 3-D goggles on, only to discover that he’s about to watch a documentary on toads. His response was both sincerely honest and tragically reminiscent of what I suspect a prison rape to be like:

Matthew: “I wouldn’t even be able to process how shocked my body was. I would just go into flight or fight mode; pure instinctual survival to escape the theater. I would step all over people. I would shit. I would shit, dude.”

Oh Matthew, there’s so much more to life than fearing toads. Let’s first focus on your waterlogged apartment ceiling and how the drywall hangs like a basset hound’s vagina.

Here’s an excerpt from Lewis’ original 1988 Cane Toads: An Unnatural History. Extra credit if you can get your stoner roommate to watch the whole thing. Extra-extra credit if you first tell him that it’s a film about Sasquatch, because up until the 42-second mark he’ll be freaking the f—k out.

-chodin