twilight_bellawomb2
(Homemade Bella womb, remember that?  It’s broken because there’s a telepathic vampire fetus inside.)

Some sick bastard out there started a site called “My Life is Twilight“, where obsessed “Twihards” could anonymously post their most retarded musings, similar to F my life. I didn’t want to look at it but I couldn’t resist, and of course it was like a train wreck filled with hermaphrodite genitals and chimps masturbating. Here are 10 of the worst entries.

10. Today I realized that since I started reading the Twilight books, every time my husband and I argue or he says something mean to me, all I can think of is “Edward would never say that/ treat me like that.” MLIT

9. I had a dream I was having sex with Edward, then the alarm clock went off and when I rolled over I seen my boyfriend next to me and I frowned. Then he looked at me and asked “Why are you stairing at me?” I replied “your not edward” then he jumped up and said “Edward? Who’s Edward?” -MLIT

8. Today I was sunbathingand my bf came out shirtless to join me. I looked over at him and his chest was sparkling. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled and said “I wanted to sparkle because I know how sexy you you think that Edward guy is”. He used a whole tube of body glitter. MLIT

7. Today I came home from watching ‘NM’, [New Moon] for the 3rd time. My bf waiting 4 me outside my house, asked that we go for a walk. Still in the ‘NM’ trance I said “Oh No buddy ur not breaking up w/ me that easily” The look on his face was confusion, he then smiled and said that he is smarter than Edward XD MLIT

6. Went to the New Moon midnight showing, asked my bf if he would be willing to wear a shirt that said LION to match mine that said LAMB…. He agreed. MLIT

5. Yesterday night I couldnt go to sleep because my crush had denied me so I grabbed my Eclipse book and read where Edward said “You are the only one who has touched my heart, It will always be yours, sleep my only love.” and I pretended I was Bella and cried myself to sleep. Edward is perfect. MLIT

4. In Geography we were learning about native Indians. We learned about reserves and treaties and naturally, the only thing that came to my mind was Jacob and La Push. When my teacher asked the class if we could name any reserves, my friend and I both responded by shouting out ‘LA PUSH BABY. LA PUSH.”

3. Yesterday morning, I told my boyfriend that he should come into my house through my window like Edward to watch me sleep. He did. MLIT!!

2. I love Twilight SOOOO much I can’t wait until I turn 18! Then I can FINALLY get an Edward tattoo with the word obsession written under it. My life really will be Twilight!

1.  My friend gave me a perfume for my birthday. and it said “TWILIGHT” on it. I started screaming up and down, thinking she bought me the actual trademark perfume, but then I noticed the smaller print “By Sarah Jessica Parker.” I stopped screaming and said “Oh.” I really hurt her feelings. MLIT.

Awesome.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go scream into my pillow for an hour.