The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 have a new project coming up (Rifftrax) and recently sat down with The Onion A/V Club. They were asked to name the movies that ruined Christmas, and they started the ripping with Papa Mo-Cap, Robert Zemeckis.
Kevin Murphy: I’ll just start the bidding with the entire Robert Zemeckis Christmas movie library. [A Christmas Carol and The Polar Express.] He’s really tried, with his dead, doll-like eye animation that he does, to destroy Christmas for children all over the world.
Mike Nelson: Smack dab in the middle of the uncanny valley, aren’t they? You just don’t know whether to scream or be delighted.
KM: Just to warm myself up for seeing [A Christmas Carol], just to amp up my hate a little bit, I watched the Christmastown/Nuremberg-rally scene in Polar Express. The end, when the elves are marching in formation, and Hitler—oh, I’m sorry, Santa—comes out…
Bill Corbett: [Laughs.] Hitler Claus!
KM: It’s severely backlit behind him, and everyone is just sort of…
BC: [evil voice] “Ho Ho Heil!”
KM: [Laughs.] Yeah. I can’t get on board with Roger Ebert about A Christmas Carol. I think he’s one hundred thousand percent wrong.
BC: Did Roger Ebert like it? Wow. What’s going on with that man?
KM: I don’t know. Maybe he likes misery and horror for children.
Of course, it wouldn’t be the MST3K guys if they didn’t also bring up a Forgotten Classic-style B-Movie:
MN: I’d like to up the ante with my favorite: Santa Claus And The Ice Cream Bunny.MN: It was made by a now-defunct theme park in Florida called Pirate’s World. It was sort of sad. It got closed immediately when Disney World opened, but it was sort of a throwback to old theme parks. It looked really unsafe.
MN: But they made a movie. They just sort of filmed a display they had of Thumbelina, and they bookended it with this story of Santa Claus getting stranded on the beach, and he has to be rescued. So at the end, in a really, really bizarre scene, a guy in a horrible mascot bunny suit shows up on a fire truck filled with kids and everyone just sort of cheers, and that’s the end. He’s apparently the Ice Cream Bunny, although you kind of have to take it on faith.
Jesus, I got through about 1:30 of that before I needed a scotch. That is terrifying. Anyway, I mainly posted this because I can’t figure out who actually likes Robert Zemeckis’ creepy condom people movies and I enjoy hearing other people agree with me (unless they’re hipsters). Check out the rest of the interview here.
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Not one GD mention of Tim Allen?!?!
Shenanigans it is, then!
If there’s anything that could make me appreciate actually looking at a real person during the holiday shopping season, it’s watching a movie filled with Zemeckis mo-cap. That’s the magic of his films.
Oh, Lince! You are His knight in shining
sybianarmour!Jewish kids don’t want to be visited by Hitler Claus anyway.
Christmas Vacation = Best Xmas movie evar.
The Mighty Feklahr will answer any challenge to this claim with a fight to the death*!
*hot dog eating contest like that one Japanese guy always does
My favorite Christmas movie is Pink Flamingos.
My favorite Christmas movie is Santa’s Shit-Eating Fatty Fuck Party Extravaganza. I cry every time.
Damn, Fek. I’d like to take you up on that with ‘Gremlins’, ‘A Muppet Christmas Carol’, or ‘Scrooged’, but I think you’re right.
My favorite Christmas movie is Santa’s Shit-Eating Fatty Fuck Party Extravaganza. I cry every time.
Isn’t that what I just said?
Hitler Claus leaves your gifts in the shower.
Hitler Claus doesn’t leave coal for naughty kids, he found something that’s more fun to burn.
Donk-even if you managed to get over the “Shitter’s Full” hurdle, He keeps “Bend over and I’ll show you/I wasn’t talking to you.” as His ace in the hole! WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA!
Jingle All The Way.
I saw the Hitler Claus animated movie.
He was voiced by Hank Azaryan.
Hitler Claus’ sleigh is pulled by reichdeers.
Deck the Halls has been on TV a lot this year. Maybe it’s just me, but Danny DeVito not playing Frank Reynolds = No thanks.
So at the end, in a really, really bizarre scene, a guy in a horrible mascot bunny suit shows up on a fire truck filled with kids and everyone just sort of cheers, and that’s the end.
The Mighty Feklahr’s Ferengi lawyers will be filing a copyright infringement suit. This is obviously a scene out of His worst nightmare.
or Louie DePalma, obviously.
Good point, Jack, sorry for the dick stomp.
Hitler Claus’ favorite holiday tune is ‘Here We Go a-Wehrmachting’.
Who the fuck keeps calling me from California?
Hitler Claus comes on Christmas Eva.
Bad Santa
Technically, Hitler Claus got something right. The North Pole is indeed über alles.
Elf
Hitler Claus brings coal for the bad children….you know, for the ovens….
Is 213 an L.A. area code? Film producers might be trying to buy my shitty ideas.
And also for retarded children. Don’t forget them.
Hitler Claus is dreaming of a white Christmas.
Hitler Claus’s favorite reindeer?
No, not Rudolph…too easy.
BLITZEN!
Hitler Claus: Jew better watch out!
Hitler Claus isn’t including any Schindlers on his “nice” list.
Hitler Claus doesn’t have elves helping him. They’re a “lesser” race.
I got screwed! Hitler Claus brought my sister some nice gold jewelery, but all I got was a bar of soap.
Hitler Claus wasn’t really burned in the fire place and lived comfortably in Argentina for some time.
A universal truth: Santa/Hitler Claus does not visit children in the ghetto.
Hitler Claus sleighs Jew.
Hitler Claus knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows what it means when you have to wear a pink triangle on your jacket so don’t be gay.
Ironically, Hitler Claus hopes the oil in the oven lasts for eight days.
I agree with Morton, I love the fuck out of Bad Santa.
BadHitler Santa: “Venn I am done viss you, you von’t be scheissing right … effer again!”Hitler Santa doesn’t give for Christmas, he annexes.
Honestly, who’s got the better deal? Hitler Claus brings me presents, and they’re nice and all, but he sends the Jewish kids to camp.
Hitler Claus’ “Nice” list is basically everyone who doesn’t celebrate Hanukkah.
Hitler Claus’s sled is always shiny, from all the Polish.
*shrugs* there’s a better joke in there somewhere….
On the Third Reich of Christmas, Mein Führer gave to me: 3 French towns…
Japan: The Island of Misfit Toys.
I saw Mommy kissing Sammy Klotz, so I reported both of them to my Hitler Youth captain.
Fuck the link. It’s a list of Jewish surnames from Wikipedia.
Hitler Claus will take a dump in your stocking and steal the rest of the chocolate out of your advent calendar.
The best part of Bad Santa is the wooden pickle and why it looks like it is painted brown. Also fun: trying to guess which other supporting actors will end up in an early grave.
If your chimney’s smoking, Hitler Claus won’t come down it.
If it’s smoking from human remains, he’ll come all over it.
Hitler Claus’ clothes are always tarnished with ashes and soot.
Yup, loved Bad Santa and even laughed at all the punch/kick in the nuts gags. How about Die Hard for a great Christmas movie?
Hitler Claus’s accounts department spends all year working on the holly cost.