Not opinion, indisputable fact: there has never been a bottomless fountain of the entertainingly pathetic like Twilight fans. Now, let us take a walk down Repressed Memory Lane, shall we?
- The Bella uterus made of felt. (See above). It’s broken because there’s a telepathic vampire adult-baby trying to escape, you see.
“My Life is Twilight.“ “Today I realized that since I started reading the Twilight
books, every time my husband and I argue or he says something mean to me, all I can think of is ‘Edward would never say that/ treat me like that.’ MLIT” FML. F all our Ls.- The New Moon missed connection. “after the movie i followed you and your friend to perkin’s. i waited outside in my car so i could watch you eat and smile. i followed you home and made sure you got there safely.i noticed you left you car unlocked so i went to have a look into your life. i can tell by looking in your car that we have a lot in common.”
- “I wanna be a stupid lamb.”
- The Twilight Prom, the loneliest place on Earth. “Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans”
Google never lies: offers Twilight fans plus-sized jeans and a link to the Sex Offender Registry. (I got my sex offender a toaster.)- Abstinence parable fans visit Italy, only to be groped by real-life Italian convicts.
- The Associated Press can’t tell Twilight douches apart either.
- Put Edward Cullen’s face over your vagina, that way it feels like a guy might actually see it.
- Blood energy drink.
- Google search suggests “How to Become a Vampire.” Vampires are the undead, so wouldn’t the first step be killing yourself?
- The Edward Cullen corn maze. Corn mazes FTW, always.
- And finally, even though it’s from 2008, Tyra Banks makes Twihards compete for memorabilia… in a pie-eating contest. It’s only because they couldn’t figure out the logistics of a loneliness contest.
Anyway, thanks for the memories, and especially the web traffic, you weirdos. Now stay the hell away from me.
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*Fangsters*
Take a bow, Sarcasm_4_Fun.
Also take the stairs, you tubby fuck.
I’m currently at 32,000 feet over Arkansas, on my way to Vegas. I’m on the internet. I’m amazed. I need to leave the house more.
These Twilight movies scare the Columbine out of me.
The guy at the end of my row is using his Amex to purchase individual episodes of Entourage. He’s laughing his ass off. Come to think of it, I need to stay in the house more.
I’m currently at 32,000 feet over Arkansas
That’s still way too close.
They won’t jettison the lavatory. I already asked.
I’d take Edward panties over Bella panties any day.
/she’s a lip biter.
OUCH!
I wore some Edward panties before but I’m not gay. I was in college and just experimenting.
I put some Edward panties on backwards and gave myself a wedgie so he’d kiss my ass.
AS LONG AS THE SHAMUS KEEP HANDIN OVER THE DOLLAS, OL’ ROBBIE’S GONNA HO THIS ASS!!!
Sorry for the absence. I just got back from lunch.
BTK, it’s 4:30 local time in the Big Easy.
Today my level 3 sex offender neighbor broke into my home. He just sniffed everything in my house except for my Edward panties. -MLIT
Performing system maintenance…can one of you bird rapists comment on a photo I posted?
From the new smell, I think one of my cats died, but the film crew from Hoarders is blocking my only path to the cat nursery. -MLIT
I’m working double shifts at Hot Topic so that I can afford two airline tickets for my solo trip to Forks, WA. -MLIT
I self-mutilate by giving myself papercuts. -MLIT
Stephanie Meyer is the only cunt on the planet fatter and more stupider than me. -MLIT
I was saving my tampons for Edward. -MLIToxic Shock
I told my boyfriend to bite me during sex, but he didn’t even break the skin. Edward would. -MLIT
I hope my Edward panties have a cobweb resistant cotton panel. -MLIT
Edward only agreed to have his face on those underwear because he thought they were going to be boy shorts.
I’m all alone on the computer talking to myself about vampires. -MLIT
Edward made sure that his picture wasn’t on the back of those panties because there’s no way he’s going to let any girl sit on his face!
Do these Edward panties make me look fat? Here, let me lift up my gunt so you can see them. -MLIT
LOL! I choked down a dozen of these Edward panties before I realized they weren’t edible! -MLIT
I feel like a true Twilight fan.
/lonely
Chino, I don’t think Twilight fans talk about it as much as you have in this post.
*finishes off Ring Dings, attempts to cut wrists with box top*
By “it” I mean vampire panties
Vampire panties don’t mind when your tampon fails.
LET THE SPOTTIES HIT THE FLOOR!!!
Sounds like a commercial for Alli
Twilight fans actually serve a purpose; they make other nerds seem cool (and sane) by comparison.
I mean, sure, I’ve stayed home on a Friday to watch Battlestar Galactica, but it’s not like I have a Karl “Helo” Agathon shower curtain.
Of course not, they’re still on backorder.
I got Han Solo instead.
I have stink lines stitched into all my boxers
HAN SHOWERED FIRST!!
What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!
MIZ flew over my state!!! What’s this blue stuff falling from the sky?
whats crackin’ crackers?
So, how many of us are actually working today?
Jellybean Tempo Monk :(
I am!
I just have to finish digging this trench for the state, then it’s back inside for some toilet wine and a bit of the good ol’ fashioned ball-dropping if you know what I mean.
I’m working :(
im working too :( at least i get to leave at noon
I’m working, dammit
I’m at work. Blerg.
OK, The Mighty Feklahr is now transmitting a subspace signal to turn all FD readers into heartless, savage, van-driving killing machines. Kill your boss and go get drunk/high.
Somebody had better start entertaining me or I’m actually going to get some work done today. I’d hate to end ’09 like that.
Oh, The Mighty Feklahr forgot to tell everyone the worst thing about Buffalo: The Abercrombie & Fitch at the Boulevard Mall Rick-Rolled Him. Seriously. So He Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie’d them.
Fek’lhr says:
OK, The Mighty Feklahr is now transmitting a subspace signal to turn all FD readers into heartless, savage, van-driving killing machines. Kill your boss and go get drunk/high.
And we were what before that?
The twilight panties are good for wiping the blood off after period sex.
And we were what before that?
Hey, when has He ever let you fucking DRIVE the van before???
You people work? On an even more depressing note, I’ve taking my two weeks reprieve to watch really bad horror movies.
Paranormal Activity sucked ass.
Perfect Getaway sucked so much ass The Hot Drug Dealer couldn’t even save it for me, and he found many happy opportunities to take his shirt off.
To summarize: I may as well have been at work.
Happy New Year, ‘ards and ‘ettes!
To prepare for the new year, I have decided to masturbate 2010 times today.
That’s impressive!!
If you would have told me that the last FilmDrunk post of ’09 was going to be Twilight related, I would have kicked you in the dick. Not because I wouldn’t believe you, but because I knew that already and you probably deserve it.
I didn’t so much get to drive the van as sit on his lap and steer while he worked the peddles as we went through the neighborhood. I felt like one of Britney Spears’ kids. Except for the born with herpes thing…
Only 2003 times to go!
Awesome, there’s a Golden Girls marathon on! This is gonna be easy.
Twilight would be good if Patrick Swayze was in it.
Oh. Right… Nevermind.
I just thought about an undead Patrick Swayze. MLIT? no probably not.
What’s really sad is that I’m working tomorrow. I don’t even get the luxury of being hungover at home. :(
working is for squares and people with ambition. afflictions with which I have no experience. Hell even now I’m just watching reruns of LOST in my underwear. Mr. Eko!
Patrick Swayze is working on a sequel to Ghost. Man, that dude is serious about his craft.
Jerking off to Golden Girls gets old after about 50 times.
FALSE. It never gets old. Never!
NAPPY JEW QUEER, EVERYONE!
Happy New YeaR!!
wobbot.com
If the Swayze was in Twilight it would be called Pale Dawn. And the logo would always be written in glitter.
I need a new website to sic my hacker friends on.
Congratulations, wobbot.com!