12.01.09 HOW MANY MORE TWILIGHTS WILL THERE BE?
Variety and Collider have the latest on the Twilight front (yep, there’s one of those now), which is basically that the studio wants to break the final book, Breaking Dawn, into two movies, only they don’t have the logistics worked out yet (they want Chris Weitz to return as director but he’s not signed). Meanwhile, CHUD provides us with a helpful rundown of just what we’re dealing with with this Breaking Dawn thing, and I promise it’s worth a read:
Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan finally getting married to Edward Cullen. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to f-ck his new bride. The reason: he’s super strong and she’s just a human. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her – and knocks her the f-ck out, leaving her badly bruised.
Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine.
Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this sh-tty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I’m dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we’re just getting started.
Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it’s in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind.In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his f-cking teeth.
Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.
The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn’t want to f-ck the baby right off the bat, he can’t stand to be away from it and visits every day. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he’ll love her forever. So one day he’s going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn.
That’s right, a werewolf falls in love with a baby. A telepathic, half-vampire baby with the mind of an adult. It just goes to show that sex is always dangerous, and ethnic types will always be animals who want to put their evil into your precocious, sparkling white children. It’s a story as old as time.
[video via ohhaveyouseenthis]
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There are 31 comments about:
HOW MANY MORE TWILIGHTS WILL THERE BE?
This synopsis made me go full retard.
So the Cullen clan has a fucking tropical island to chill on and Edward spends his time in Forks, fucking, Oregon?
What an ASSHOLE!
Between Twilight and Glenn Beck I’m starting to think we are all doomed.
Soap Opera writers everywhere are hanging themselves after reading that synopsis.
So Edward finally drove his wood stake into her part?
So… now that Edward has changed the thing about Bella that drew him to her (
her virginitythe fact that she’s really good-smelling food to him), it’s only a matter of time before he loses interest and starts stalking other teenage girls, right?Jacob is heartbroken that he has to wait another 13 years to give his love champagne and quaaludes.
Jacob is heartbroken that he has to wait another 13 years to give his love champagne and quaaludes.
Wrong, Donk. If I recall what I read correctly, that child ages 4 times as fast as a normal kid, so she’ll be legal to so the horizontal hula when she’s 4 and a half.
And that makes sense, because vampires are known for their rapid aging.
So… Jacob is a Newfoundlander? I’m confused.
i really did not see that one coming at all!!
Wrong, Donk. If I recall what I read correctly, that child ages 4 times as fast as a normal kid, so she’ll be legal to so the horizontal hula when she’s 4 and a half.
Man, if there were ever a time to be happy to have somebody know more about something than you do, now would be it.
So, if the baby has an adult’s mind, that shows premeditation in trying to kick Bella to death, right?
Finally, a character in this series I can like!
Jacob isn’ the real story here, Edward already ate that baby out.
He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this sh-tty series)
Where do you even find a wire coat hanger made out of silver?
GOD
DAMN
IT
UPROOOXXXXX!!!!!
Stop logging me out!!
have you seen the commercials for the DVDs where they can put your child’s face on the main character?
Twilight would make a fucking fortune with that technology.
i bet that ass2mouth catterpillar guy is kicking himself in the nuts cause he didnt think of this crazy ass story first
Vampire abortions are so hard because you have to stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Edward throws it in her – and knocks her the f-ck out, leaving her badly bruised.
This is a misunderstanding actually. Edward doesn’t knock Bella unconscious. What happens is that Edward’s boss walks in while they’re fucking and wants in on the action so he makes her to go down for the Count, that’s all.
I’m on Team Go Kill Yourself!
This movie is a vampire abortion.
Sounds like the only books Meyer read were Island of Dr. Moreau and The Bridges of Madison County and maybe something from Goosebumps.
Vampire abortion: I can’t finger it out.
I’m thinking of a director who looks like a miniature werewolf and has anally fucked a 13 yr old girl who would be perfect to take the helm of this film. Woody Allen.
I want to see a Cullen vampire baby brought out like Simba from ‘The Lion King’ He’ll be up on that mountain and the sun will hit him and he’ll light up like a disco ball.
*catches breath*
Anybody else beat off to that?
Yes. Which that?
Guido up!
The baby becomes so mature and independent, that it forms a cult of baby gypsy ninjas, with Jacob as their leader. They use telepathy to kill nasty vampires and cuteness to kill normal humans. The End.
CHUD’s piece would be more worth reading if Cracked hadn’t written almost the exact same thing a long time ago. http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/
I’m not saying CHUD’s wasn’t original, but I read Cracked’s a long time ago.
I can’t wait until Hot Topic starts selling DIY Vampire C-Section kits.
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