Here on the internet, the Japanese enjoy a well-deserved reputation for being crazy. Too often overlooked are Scandinavians, who are just as crazy, only less squinty. On that note, here’s a Finnish movie about killer Santa Clauses. Clausen? Clausi? Crap, there has to be a way to distinguish between the plural of actual Santas and sh-tty Tim Allen movies.
Writer-director Jalmari Helander built a name for himself in Finland with a string of stellar short films, two of which introduced the masses to the world of Rare Exports – a world where Santas are hunted in the northlands and, none too happy about that, from time to time have been known to fight back.[Twitch]
Here’s another look at that sweet ass logo, and yes, you better believe there was a guy wearing Elvis glasses while A. hunting Santa Claus(es) B. at night. Though if I’m honest, I was a little disappointed at the lack of black metal.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Wolverine-Tripod-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Morgan-Freeman-last-vegas-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/if-i-showed-you-all-the-money-shots-in-pacific-rim-youd-have-a-70-minute-orgasm-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-rapture-palooza-starring-craig-robinson-and-anna-kendrick-150x150.jpg)
Damn jews. First Jesus, now Santa?
I can see why. The Santa Clause movies were terrible.
Right before they kill a Santa, a mysterious voice yells “FINNISH HIM!”
Throw in some Neptunian Elves and I’m in.
Proof that Scandinavians are crazier than the Japanese? Lutefisk.
The correct term for multiple Santas is “An AA Meeting.”
Chino, in Japan, Lutefisk rapes a school girl. Game, set, match.
Closing scene: Danielssonn Plainviewssonn drops the blood-soaked bowling pin and slumps to the floor, exhausted.
“I’m Finnish.”
(pssst … is anyone seeing a video, or just a big white space?)
And in case I get any Scandis complaining that Finland technically isn’t Scandinavian, you can technically eat a plate of my shit.
Killer Santa sleighs you.
I’m Scandinavian and I’m not complaining, but does the plate of shit offer still stand?
Never mind.
Killer Santa is making a hit list and checking it twice.
All’s I know is that the Scandinavians around this house keep asking me to leave my shoes out for Sinter Klaus. I don’t recall asking Sinter Klaus for a shoe full o’ spooge thank you very much.
Well, if we’re going to split hairs about shit, then I’m going to point out that the surname suffix “sson” is more likely to be Swedish, as “nen” is generally the Finnish equivalent.
I’m going to get Blitzen-ed and watch this movie.
Finnish people be hunting Santa like this…
Northern Frights?
*Shoots Santa Claus*
See you in hell…sinki.
Split this hair, Donk.
*points to buttcrack*
He will Elf you up
I went to a Scandinavian school.
For attendance, the teacher would call your name, Denmark you present.
Dyslexic devil-worshipers chant, “Hail, Santa!”
Hey, Killer Santa warned us. He said ‘I swear to God, if I hear that fucking Kenny G Greatest Holiday Classics album one more time, I’m gonna kill somebody!’
I technically ate a plate of shit once.
It was more of a dish, but it counted.
I got lime disease from a Finnish Baltic.
A popular Scandinavian holiday song is “I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus”
Scandinavians can be rather pusy, it’s always “Norway or the highway.” Dicks.
Finnish children are intentionally naughty because it’s fucking cold in Finland.
BTK, they put me in the AP Nordic Track for math at my school.
Killer Santas live at the Norse Pole.
My dad had bad hearing. Whenever I was bad, he put chewing tobacco in my stocking.
Swedish junkies have Nordic track marks.
Whenever Finnish children are bad, their hockey teams don’t let them skate the ice. They have to play “coalie”.
What’s a dick step between bird rapists?
Sven had a sexual aversion issue, he liked neither vag, Nordic.
Hi, I’m here for the plate of shit!
BTK, if that logo was squinting, He would say that it is fat Renee Zellwegger trying to go down on Herself.
Killer Santa cleans his tracks with Comet.
FINNISH PEOPLE HUNT KILLER SANTA CLAUSES
And Amazons hunt dangling participles.
Killer Santa sees you when you’re sleeping so you better sleep with one eye open for goodness sake.
If you’re going to go to a reindeer Christmas party, I recommend a Rudolph party.
My friend went to a Donner party, and he never came back.
If I go to reindeer party, I always end up getting Blitzen.
Dasher’s sister Flasher always throws good parties.
Dancer’s brother Cancer’s parties are just sad.
So in this film Kris Kringle is kind of a Boondock Saint Nick.
I’m Finnish(d)! First off I’d like to say that I love the comments of the week and think most of the comments on this thread have been spot on. Except for the Rudolph stuff.
A: Vince. Finland is a part of Scandinavia. Or so I think.
B: Rare exports started as a Christmas gift (kinda like South Park) from an ad agency to it’s clients. There are two parts, the first from 2003 and the second from 2005. They’re on Youtube. I hadn’t heard of the movie until last weekend.
You do NOT want to be caught on the lap of these Maul Santas.
My guidebook from my trip to Helsinki this August told me Finland is technically a nordic country like Iceland, but not a Scandinavian country like Sweden, Denmark, and Norway. I’d never heard that before. And now that Finnish person is saying they hadn’t either, I will continue to think of it as a Scandinavian country. Cool place though.
Finnish kid: “Hi, is Jusso playing out?”
Jusso’s Mom: “Jusso, Mika’s here. If you’re going to be in the mountains for a week then make sure you’ve got plenty of ammo and try not to kill anymore wolves than necessary.”
After the hours long race many Laplanders crossed the Finnish line.
I left work early yesterday and I fear this thread is Finnished. All before I got to tell my “Santa and the Magnificent Sack” story.