I always found Tim Allen to be that sort of boring, not-really-funny comedian who doesn’t even have the decency to suck enough to inspire true hate like Larry the Cable Guy, but who’s just popular enough to hang around the periphery of pop culture for GD ever. I hated Home Improvement when I was still young enough to love Steven Seagal movies unironically, which shows you how much that show sucked. And that’s why it was with fear and trepidation in my heart that I watched the trailer for Allen’s directorial debut, Crazy on the Outside. He went to prison and everyone thinks he’s been in France, you see.
Yet again, even in the realm of sucking, Tim Allen is nothing but a disappointment. With nary a record scratch, a nutshot, or an embarrassing meeting with an Asian businessman to be found, the sad truth is that this looks about 75% better than most Tim Allen movies. Of course, anything that didn’t involve him rapping, switching bodies with an animal, or turning into a mythical creature would’ve accomplished that. Thus, it’s not even fun to ridicule. Tim Allen’s suck is so powerful, he’s not even sucky enough to make making fun of him fun. At least he’s consistent. Because when you think mild dissatisfaction, think Tim Allen, the Miller Lite of movies.
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At least it’s not: Tim. Allen. Vampire.
Tim Allen is the most boring cocaine addict ever.
The only thing Tim Allen is fit to direct is my Dad to the drill section at Lowes.
You had me at Ray Liotta.
*tear
I’d still fuck Jonathan Taylor Thomas though.
GRRRR…WILSON COULD WATCH OVER THE FENCE!
I wonder what Richard Karn, Home Improvement’s Al Borland, thinks about this.
Usually, if I hear the words Tim, Allen, and Direct, I just assume that -to-DVD is coming right after that.
He must have gotten raped alot in prison for Karma to still be paying him back so well.
Tool Time, indeed.
Up next is his foray into biracial gay porn in ‘Tim Allen’s: Chocolate on the Inside’
Interesting edit: I saw this flick at a sneak preview here in Denver last night -with Tim Allen Q&A- and the line “I’m not the guy who went into prison. I’m the man who came out.” is immediately followed by “Seriously, I had an epiphany -that’s what they call it in prison when you are forced to eat your own bloody shit off the dick of the guy who just ass-raped you. And it just….tasted….so…yummy. It took 3 years, 3 cell mates and an average length of 10 and a half inches of Alabama black snake, but I’ve never felt satisfaction like I did when swallowing that mix of blood and semen -coagulum the infirmary docs call it-. I’m here, I’m queer, and I wanted you to know. No hard feelings. Except for the one in my calloused anal interior.”
Did you just have an after-lunch coffee, salt?
Whenever I see Kelsey Grammer I immediately wish his career was swapped with the guy who played Weird Al’s sidekick in UHF. But then I remember his music career and how busy he must be….
No, my 2 year old finally took a nap.
Even scarier three words; Bryce’s. Grandmother’s. Gash.
When the trailer started, I saw Tim Allen and Sigourney Weaver and thought that actually, GALAXY QUEST isn’t bad. I haven’t seen it in a while to know if it is good, though.
This guy’s a real Hollywhore, a total Tim Allen wench.
Because when you think mild dissatisfaction, think Tim Allen, the Miller Lite of movies.
That makes David Carradine the Coors. When he turns blue, you know he’s cold.
And Megan Fox the Guiness, because it’s always so easy to get head.
And Rosie Perez the Corona, because it tastes like shit unless you douse it with salt and lime juice.
Nicole Kidman is the Foster’s, coz we somehow managed to sell it to the world even though WE wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot woomera.
Robert Pattinson is the Michelob Ultra because you have to be either underage or middle-aged to think it’s any good.
Paris Hilton is Budweiser, it’s fucking everywhere and I cannot figure out why.
Penelope Cruz has to be Pacifico because I could suck on that all the day long.
Or maybe Paz Vega, I always get those two confused…
Jake Gylennhal is Zima, it’s gay and you know it.
I call her Pax Vega, cuz I want to get all over that shit.
Kim Kardashian has to be the Heiny.
Robert Pattinson is Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
Or maybe he just drinks Sparklets water.
Sarah Jessica Parker is Budweiser, but only because she likes their Superbowl commercials.
Kiera Knightly is Bud Lite, cuz she has little buds.
Aron Ralston is O’Douls.
/doesn’t pack a punch
Aron Ralston is a lock for Rolling Rock.
HA!
Woody Harrelson is Miller High Life.
OK, if I hadn’t had to google Aron’s name I would have won. But at the same time, besides my soul becoming more tainted (hehe) for that joke, how could we have both thought about that dude simultaneously, but gone different ways with it?
Because we’re super awesome. That’s how.
Any chick on the rag is a Red Stripe.
[cyber fist bump]
Word.
Negro Modello, Seal.
Robert Pattinson is a Bartles and James wine cooler. Super gay and getting teenage boys everywhere laid.
Negro Modello, Naomi Campbell.
*deliberate dick step so it doesn’t count
Emo Taylor Lautner wants to be Coors Light.
It’s not your dick, counts to me. [crosses legs/arms]
Bai Ling = Yellow Tail
Quentin Tarantino is Coke and Ice.
Now we’re even for the Dave Mustaine thang.
Glenn Beck is just beer nuts.
Marilyn Monroe died from all the pilsner.
Paul Rubens is a Jack and Coke.
That was beautiful noMo.
[tear]
Roman Polanski is the
creepyawful Polishneighborspirit that fucked you up in high school.Thanks! I was proud of that. :)
Uproxx(xxxx!) is a HTTP404 Method Not Allowed
Sean Connery’s nutsack is Scotch & Dry.
Michael Vick makes Mad Dog.
[Crappy walks in front door, hangs hat, coat. Dotting wife sashays up give kiss on cheek]
Hi Hon, how was work today?
Exhausting, I spent most of the day thinking of funny ways to link celebrities to alchoholic beverages.
Oh my! How exhausting! Here, sit down and let me rub your feet.
Not till my Mac’n'cheese is done cooking bitch!
I can’t wait to get married, that shit looks awesome.
It is. You have sex ALL. THE. TIME. Really. I’m totally not lying.
Natalee Holloway is an Amber alert boch.
[runs finger around in bottom of joke barrel]
Yup, think I’m done.
Ciao Bird Rapists!
Last Call. I’m tapped out.
Mike Myers is … is …
*sticks head in toilet bowl*
LABAAAAATTTTS!
*wipes mouth*
Phew, sorry … now I forgot my punchline :(