seth-green-old-dogs

Now that we’ve got the best out of the way, it’s time for the fun part: the worst.  Not surprisingly, this list is a lot longer.  It should come as no surprise that the big winner is Old Dogs.  Whether it’s the actual trailer, with Seth Green getting cradled by a gorilla, this clip of gratuitous nutshots, the tagline “Sit. Stay. Play Dad.”  or releasing a publicity still in which you can clearly see a crewmember’s reflection, the entire marketing campaign was essentially a hate crime.  Worse than a hate crime, really, because it hurt white people.

RUNNERS UP:

Clash of the Titans (watch it below).  It doesn’t hold a candle to Old Dogs for sheer cringeworthy terribleness, but it does nicely illustrate the idiotic mindset behind your average awful trailer.  Plot? Dialog? Story?  Screw that, yo, we’ll just cut together imcomprehensible action sequences and set it to guitar!

“Wait, but we have to say something, don’t we?”

“Hey I know, ‘TITANS. WILL. CLASH.’”

“YOU. ARE. BRILLIANT.”

*they jerk each other off while Linkin Park plays.  Fade out.*

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I Hate Valentine’s Day (original post) I’m truly shocked this made less than a used Camry. It must be because we paternalist misogynists hate seeing Nia Vardalos succeed so much.

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Valentine’s Day (original post). Are you sensing a theme here? You should be, because there is one. The theme is terrible movies.

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This Is It (original post). “His dreams inspired the world.”

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The Blind Side (original post). Say what you will about the actual movie, the exchange, “Yer changin’ that boy’s laahfe.” “Nope. He’s changin’ mine.” is the best awful trailer dialog since “In Afrrika it’s ‘bling bang.’”

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Baby On Board (original post). Yeah, I went a little obscure here. Thing is, a lot of bad movies trailers rock the nutshot or the record scratch. This one has a record scratch AND a Flintstones-car-coming-to-a-halt sound. I don’t about you, but I also could’ve used a “SPROING” and/or a sad trombone.