Ever since Rooster and Trish, the Neverending Story Van owners and frequent threateners of lawsuits against FilmDrunk, walked out of my life, there’s been a hole in my heart that booze and public masturbation just couldn’t fill. But they say Jesus works in mysterious ways, and in my search for something that would remind me them, I found this, the quintessential Star Wars-themed rape van. All other Star Wars rape vans must kneel in the presence of this one. It may never come close to what Rooster and Trish and I shared, but I did come up with these van-related movie quotes:
“Run, kids. IT’S A TRAP!”
“Game over, van, game over!”
“Now DAT’S how you sposta rape van!”
[via F-ckYeahRapeVans]
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SPOILER ALERT: No seriously, that’s a spoiler alert.
“As you can see, the customized front bumper has the extended lower level on it for that much-needed kid-scooping action. Because you can grab all the toddlers you want, but it’s those fresh newborns at crawling level that are the hard targets.”
I would definitely take that to Toshi station to pick up some power converters. …and five year olds.
“There will be no escape for your little princess this time!”
It’s the rape van that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
“Now THIS is van raping!”
Honestly, though, if you’re looking to build the ultimate child-duping rape-mobile, I’d buy an old double decker bus and trick it out with Harry Potter shit. Kids who want to be wizards are already gullible, and will respond positively to “let me show you my wand.”
I used to bullseye rugrats in my vanspeeder back home, most not much older than two years.
In
bedthe alley behind the Costco this guy likes to be called “Gold Leader” while gettin his groove on.WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!! I FEEL CHEATED!
What’s the mural on that other van behind it?
“No, I AM YOUR FATHER!!! Now, come into the van…”
Do I hear crying coming from inside that van?
That’s no moan.
*Star War van fires up*
“That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way.”
VADAR: I’ve altered the Rape Van. Pray that I don’t alter it any further.
I also am waiting for the red minivan with the webbing spray painted on it. Spidervan, Spidervan, rapes whatever a spider can.*
*There is not a lot a spider can rape, sadly.
Where are your rebel friends now?
Seriously, where do all the other kids hang out? There’s room in here for plenty more.
Leia:I was raped in a van.
Solo:I know.
“Everytime I think I’m out they drag me back in…to a van to rape me.”
In this van, the driver shoots first.
“Go ahead and try to open the blast doors, ya little shit!”
[heavy breathing]
You’ll find this 8-track of ‘Faith’ disturbing.
*starts choke-bating*
Rape or rape not. There is no ‘try’
“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!”
Is it wrong to shout out “All the garbage mashers on the detention level” while climaxing?
And the obligatory, “What a piece of junk!”
“She may not look like much, kid, but she’s got it where it counts.”
Size matters not
*Waves hand
This isn’t the Rape Van you’re looking for.
VADER: If you won’t join us then your
sisterbrother will!So, why’d you get a Star Wars rape van?
Well, a long time ago in a Ford Galaxy far far away…
If you rape me in that van I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
At the van rapist’s trial:
“Will the accused stand forth?…You have been accused of pederastery, abduction, rape, and poor taste in vans…how do you plead prisoner TK-421-3263827?”
Do
n’tget cocky, kid!I’m pretty sure the front reads “The Vantom Menace”.
Wesa got a graaaand rape van. That’s why you no liking us meesa thinks.
So now Lucas is raping Han Solo, too?
Meesa love Anakin…and other young boys heesa age.
http://boozeworthy.com/2009/10/23/qui-gon-jin-worst-jedi-ever/
That’s Vannakin Skywalker on the side there.
“He raped me like a Boss (Nass)”
Say hello to my little fiend.
I see you have constructed a new light saber…in a matter of seconds…
*relieved that obligatory light saber joke is out of the way*
Emperor: I’m afraid the rape van will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
“That’s no van…”
I felt a great disturbance in the van.
Thankfully my kids are safe from this rape van. We have a Naboo Hood Watch.
I think that’s where Kurt Russel and Mark Hamil “auditioned” for Lucas.
The Mighty Feklahr wasn’t aware that Ghyslain Raza was a vanner! Makes sense.
On a more serious note, how does that thing go up and down a driveway?
Anakin: Master. What are midichlorians?
Qui-Gon: Shut the fuck up kid and get in the van
Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy. Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a rape van and that’d end your trip real quick, wouldn’t it?
Yes, I said closer! Move as close as you can and engage those
Star Destroyersgenitals at point-blank range.Jar-Jar is a racist Jamaican Step-n-Fetchit, so doesn’t that make him a pederastaferian?
Qui-Gon: There’s always a bigger Rape Van.
The Ford Escape is not his plan.
This vehicle is powered by a U8 engine.
Vadar: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you raped him!!!
For eight hundred years have I van-raped children. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be abducted!
Goldvan Suchs.
And I thought they smelled bad … on the … outside!
Anakin: I hate the semen. It’s rough, and gets everywhere.
This van rapist has a special place in his heart for au-tistic kids.
Han: That’s ’cause droids don’t stuff people in vans and rape them for hours and hours. Wookiees are known to do that.
C3PO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let the Wookiee win.
Where did you dig up that old rape van?
How many of you even know what TK-421 and 3263827 are?
Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the (Police) Force.
Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you in this rape van. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
There. You see, Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation; you may fire when ready
I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it…
The force(erection) grows strong in this one(van).
Luke, you must complete your training!
*Drops pants to reveal Chewbacca merkin*
“Get ready to let the Wookie win, kid. “
“You’re a little short for a van rapist, aren’t you?”
I´m surprised no one said Darth Vaner or Van Solo, but then again tey´re awful jokes, so I should know better
Luke: What’s in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you…er…candy, I mean.
When I opened this post, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of young voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.
Fek, TK-421 is the Stormie not at his post, and 3263827 is their location while in the trash compactors.
Luke come to the dark side……. of my rape van theres a light shining over there and someone might see us
The children are easily startled, but they’ll be back to the rape van and in greater number.
Banner Pic:
Jake Lloyd’s bachelor pad.
Vanner: Hey kid, wanna check out my Star Wars van?
Kid: I have a bad feeling about this.
Wedge Antilles has a entirely different meaning in that van.
Kids are forced to wear Jawa costumes to set the mood.