11.20.09 SORRY, TWILIGHTERS, GOOGLE NEVER LIES

The pages of spunk ransom notes are always stuck together.

GIVE ME BACK MY CUM!

Girlfriends’ wombs are always holding my spunk hostage. But I don’t negotiate with terrorists. I just shove them down the stairs.

These sorts of shenanigans would explain the ad for windowless vans on the right ’round these parts.

GeT Me tWO-HUnDreD DolLArS iN UnMARKeD BilLs iN A bAg By nOoN TOmOrROw Or i’LL StaRt KiLliNg ThEM oNE aT A tIme fOR ThE nEXt SeVerAl HuNDrEd yEaRS dON’t ThInK i’M BluFfINg I hAvE A dRAiN RiGHt HerE.

inkyPee, change that drain to Mountain Dew, and you’d be nommed.

Advertising a way to find sexual deviants to pathetically desperate Twilight fans seems spot on to me.

@Rock, fuck that noise, that took too long and I don’t need a Justin Timberlake DVD that badly.

Spunk ransom canot be used to pay the troll toll.

Fuck, who stole my n?

I sort of had my spunk held for ransom before, when the cops tried to weasel a confession out of me while holding it hostage. I guess that’s more of a blackmail thing though.

Kind of like what they’re doing with Donks n, only not as valuable.

*truth*

I actually kind of feel sorry for this poor fucker, Pattinson. He is experiencing something similar to what the Undertaker experienced back in the 90’s/early 2000’s.

You see, I used to be a gigantic pro-wrestling nerd, and Undertaker was my fave wrestler. In about 1998 I started hanging out at some Undertaker message boards to make fun of Austin and shit like that.

The freaky thing one, there was this…”caste” of Undertaker fans called “Takerladies”, basically ringrats that were obsessed with the Undertaker (some to the point of pseudostalking). Some of the Takerladies were messed up, this one used to write these posts how she saw Undertakers face in her bowl of Spaghettios during lunch (dead fucking serious) or the time she got hit by the taxi that was driving him (dead fucking serious), and all of them would write stories and poems about…romantic encounters with him (like totally gross and in graphic detail).

Now we joke about the Twitards being smelly cat ladies, but the few pictures I have seen of Takerladies take the fucking taco. We are talking skeethy little bitches, some with deformities, all of them ugly and stupid. We are talking Grade A Genetic Fallout Trailer Trash, following Undertaker around begging for his dick, one club-footed limp at a time.

Takerladies were the fucking worst. I can only imagine what it is like with the Twitards.

*/truth*

Nom? thank goodness you’re here, they are keeping me locked in the closet..
Which would be ok if it wasnt for all the gays in here.

Robert Pattison is holding some dude’s spunk ransom, but they’re at a stalemate and cannot negotiate any further because he’s holding it in his mouth.

[Robert Pattison passes a note to police saying]

You meet my demands or I will swallow.

Go ahead, take my spunk hostage. I can always buy more socks.

Don’t worry eib, I’ll be in the closet with you shortly. Yeah, I’m gonna stick with that.

That closet would be pretty nice if there weren’t so many gays around.