11.03.09 PRINCE OF PERSIA LOOKS CONFUSING, TERRIBLE
This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia. An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio. To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves. It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.
As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this? I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you. At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!). In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways? Up? Down? I don’t even know. Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie. A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*. You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.
[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]
*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.
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There are 28 comments about:
PRINCE OF PERSIA LOOKS CONFUSING, TERRIBLE
Wow. I guess Jake never ever came down off that mountain huh?
When reached for comment Nicholas Cage replied “That movie looks retarded”
New and Improved “Prince of Persia!” Now 100% Persian-free.
Clutch a magic dagger? So thats what the kids call a handjob now a days?
After viewing this trailer, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad replied: “You know, I’m kinda glad that none of us are in this.”
So do ya all reckon that Arterton is sporting a full Persian Rug, or is it down to the hardwood?
Anybody else think the slow motion snake mouth looked like a vagina? Anybody else know what a vagina looks like?
For this to be an accurate movie he would have to attempt to jump across a large pit of spikes to a ledge only to mistime it and jump straight up into the air and fall straight down on the spikes.
Maybe it makes more sense if you think of it as an allegory for the tech stock collapse, with Jake Gyllynhaal as Bill Gates.
Big deal, in my kingdom we have a magical stick that fast-forwards through commercial breaks.
You know, when you go from talking guinea pigs to this, it’s kinda like going from fucking Rosanne Barr to fucking Bar Refaeli.
They’re just ad libbing summer blockbuster cliches in the trailer because they know idiots will be distracted by the pretty CGI effects. “You must take the dagger to the secret guardian temple…guarded by Optimus Prime…so Skynet can’t send a Terminator back in time to kill John Connor…”
When does he swing on a vine of a pit full of crocodiles?
I don’t know what the big deal is. Jake looks just like the Prince of Persia…if the Prince of Persia was into reach-arounds.
Hmmm. Over.
I like my women like I like my Jerry Bruckheimer movies: shameless and superficially enhanced
Later, Gyllenhaal, in an obvious piece of Oscar bait, will play himself getting stoned to death in Iran for starting up the country’s first gay night club in ‘Prance of Persia’.
Jake Gyllenhaal won’t shy away from anyone’s snake.
Jake thought the role was supposed to be him leading everyday “middle class” gays through Parisian’s and into the promised J.Crew.
“Who said you were a beauty?”
“There must be a reason why you can’t take your eyes off me.”
“You’re . . . I . . . your brother’s hot.”
Bin Ladin calls this the feel good movie of the year.
Ha ha, good one Jay. And you guys can get more clever japes like that one over at Warming Glow today. *smooth jazz saxaphone outro*
Jake’s excited he gets to dress like a dagger-queen on set everyday.
So, did anyone actually think this would be anything other than a shitty movie of a shitty videogame?
*some guy holds up his hand*
You? Well, could you go stand on that big red “X” that has a piano suspended over it with a flimsy rope?…Yeah, right there…thanks.
Jake says the only thing good about working in the desert is getting the sand out the crack of his ass.
Durst.
Tom Cruise knows where Jake hid the magic dagger, as long as… you know
Doesn’t look like this film will have any Persian carpet munching. Nope, not interested.
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