PIRATES 4: ON GAYER TIDES
11.17.09
(Know why gay pirates never drown? Because they’re flambuoyant! Thanks, you guys have been great, don’t forget to tip your drag queens.)
One thing that always bugged me about Pirates of the Caribbean movies was, aside from all the chattering monkeys and ghosts and dancing skeletons and gay crap, why no dance numbers? Thankfully, that may all change now that Rob Marshall (Chicago, Nine) is directing.
At a DGA screening of Nine, Marshall confirmed that he would be helming the Disney sequel. When asked what he would be doing next, Marshall responded “ya’know, it’s something that I was offered and never in the world thought I would do but then I was like ‘why not?’… I’m doing ‘Pirates of the Caribbean….” Marshall also mentioned that he had met with Johnny Depp, and that they are both excited to work together.
The fourth film will be based on Tim Powers’ pirate novel On Stranger Tides which was optioned by Disney years ago. The plot of the novel: Puppeteer John Chandagnac, bound for Jamaica to recover stolen money from his uncle, becomes Jack Shandy after pirates attack his ship and force him to join their crew. Shandy’s struggle to accept his new life grounds the story for readers, even as Blackbeard and vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits. The chaotic sea battles sing, though at times key events happen so quickly that they get lost in the shuffle as Jack tries to comprehend where he’s going and what’s at stake. [/Film, AICN]
Well that’s great. So many times when I’m watching two ships blast each other with cannon balls while pirates sword fight on the deck, I wonder, “This is great, but what of their existential ennui?”

I don’t get it…does this have Johnny Depp, or what?
vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits. The chaotic sea battles sing
Makes me look forward to tertiary syphilis. I’m a pirate at heart.
That picture brings a whole new meaning to the term, Poop Deck.
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Chandagnac was Channing Tatum’s stage name.
Considering the entire franchise is based on a ride where choreographed animatronics play grab-ass set to music, I’m a bit surprised they haven’t included a dance number too.
Gay pirates are always trying to get into your booty.
Puppeteer John Chandagnac, bound for Jamaica to recover stolen money from his uncle, becomes Jack Shandy after pirates attack his ship and force him to join their crew. Shandy’s struggle to accept his new life grounds the story for readers, even as Blackbeard and vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits. The chaotic sea battles sing, though at times key events happen so quickly that they get lost in the shuffle as Jack tries to comprehend where he’s going and what’s at stake.
So it’s kind of like ‘Candide’ for idiots?
You shut your mouth, Donk. THE ORIGINAL RIDE HAD IMPLIED RAPE, FOR GOD’S SAKE!
Yes, there will be a dance number two.
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More like Jacks Handy. Although that is kind of redundant.
Good night, Wesley. I’ll most likely rape your ass in the morning.
I don’t want to be the first to make a seaman pun, so let’s just see what ‘piratejokes.net’ has to say on the subject:
“Q: What did one gay pirate say to the other gay pirate?
A: ARRRRRRRR ye gay?”
Seriously, they aren’t even trying over there.
Is that Oscar buzz I hear?
Hold on… nope, I think it’s actually coming from the seat of Rob Marshall’s pants.
There was implied rape in the movies too. Remember in the first one where Bloom and Depp crossed swords trying to poke one another for ten minutes? It must have been hard for the director to keep Bloom from kissing Depp in that scene.
“Walking the plank” never sounded sexier.
The sunken treasure in this film actually refers to Jack’s prolapsed anus following an unfortunate fisting incident with Captain Hook.
Jack loves to run Jolly Roger up his pole.
If you want rape in the new one, get Roman Polanski to direct. There’s no way you could give him a pirate movie with a magical fountain that makes people young and not end up with rape.
Implied rape is the only thing I see in the eyes of fat chicks
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Astroglide.
No Oscar buzz but I foresee some humdingers in the movie
Implied rape is fine. It’s inferred rape you wanna watch out for.
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