11.03.09 OBVIOUSLY BERENSTAIN BEARS WILL BE A MOVIE
(Looks like mom’s the only one upset. The moral of the story is that women be naggin’.)
This is a time when the movie industry is literally optioning gum wrappers from the 50s, so it should come as no surprise that there’s going to be a Berenstain Bears movie. If you’ll remember, the Berenstain Bears is a famous children’s book series about a family of bears who mostly did gay crap like teach lessons about non-violence and never ate anyone.
It’s a bear market for one group of moviemakers. [kill yourself. -Ed.] Shawn Levy, director of the Night at the Museum movies, has signed on to produce a feature film based on The Berenstain Bears books, a comedy he says will be a mix of live-action and computer animation. The characters were first published in 1962 in The Big Honey Hunt.
“I’d like the film to be un-ironic about its family connections but have a wry comedic sensibility that isn’t oblivious to the fact that they’re bears,” Levy says. “The comedy comes from this bear family coexisting in a more recognizably real world. I think the movie will be witty but never sarcastic,” he says. [USA Today]
Yes, because as Jesus teaches, sarcasm is a tool of the devil, like avarice or Danny Masterson. Anyway, I’m glad they’re the Berenstain Bears and not the Berenstein Bears. Bears are normally cuddly and benevolent, but Jew bears are liable to eat a Christian baby. Aw, crap, I’m going to letters from Eli Roth now, aren’t I.
Baby Goose says: “Hey, girl, this Shawn Levy seems like a real cool cat. I always say exactly what I mean. Let’s be BFFs forever.”
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There are 29 comments about:
OBVIOUSLY BERENSTAIN BEARS WILL BE A MOVIE
I will watch this if and only if Werner Herzog directs.
The Berenstain Bears eat some fucking lunatic
Jennifer Aniston calls her menstrual blood The Barrenstain.
I’ve got your honey right here
*points to crotch*
Does a Berenstein Bear shit in the woods? Of course. It’s free!
Levey: This script is too original! This script is too provocative! *eyes Berenstain Bears script* Ahhhhh, this script is juuuusssst mediocre.
The Mighty Feklahr digs Junior’s “Hostess Ho-Ho Themed” fleshlight!
A movie about bears? I’ll go as long as there aren’t any gays around.
FUCK YOU, BABY GOOSE!
In the Roman Polanski version, the little girl bear somehow ends up eating quualudes instead of candy!
Tyler Perry suing in 5…4…3…2…
Alternate title: Where the Mild Things Are
Oh man, the few books I can remember reading to my kids are all Goofus & Gallant level moralistic treacle. They barely have enough meat for an SNL sketch, nevermind a full length feature.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: this is gonna suck, and suck hard.
I see wry comedic sensibility has something in common with Grizzly Man.
Peet: Gallant sees this as an opportunity for creative expression and harmless fun; Goofus doesn’t know how to fill two hours with decent jokes and character development, so he reduces everybody to only one dimension and throws in some fart jokes to put in the trailer.
Guess which one runs a studio and which one gets called a fag on Youtube.
I don’t know if I can bear anymore bad movie news.
This is unbearable.
Etc. Etc.
Porn version: Berenstain Bearly Legal
This could be interesting if Momma Bear is manic depressive and begins experimenting sexually with her girlfriends. Because she’d be a bi-polar bear.
*I can see myself to the corner
Patty-Facebook says you have childbearing hips.
Shouldn’t Brother Bear be a Black Bear?
Facebook really wants grandkids. She keeps trying to set me up with that nice blog from down the street.
To avoid going over budget for this movie, the producers agreed to focus on the bear necessities.
why bearenstain is not jewish and bearenstein is?
Wait are you telling me that frankestein was a jewish dr.?
Mel Gibson cannot bear seeing a movie about Jewish Bears.
Frankenstein’s monster was the color of money.
This movie stole my picanic basket!
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