KURT RUSSELL’S STAR WARS AUDITION
11.02.09Well hot damn, someone dug up Kurt Russell’s old audition tape for the role of Han Solo. It’s well known that Harrison Ford beat out some big name actors for the role (Nick Nolte, Christopher Walken), but up until now I thought the audition tapes existed only as Patton Oswalt bits and SNL sketches. Who would’ve thought the Stuntman Mike version of an intergalactic smuggler would be… kind of a wuss? Not that you can blame him. It’s hard to look cool while delivering lines like, “What’s that little droid carrying around that’s so blasted important, anyway?”
He also shows his tender side at the 5:07 mark when the off-camera female flubs a line and he leans over to pat her thigh comfortingly. It was the 70s and you could still do stuff like that. “Aw, you messed up? Don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault you’re just a girl. Here, let me pat you playfully on the butt.” You know he hit that later that day. Look at that hair. No one could resist.
[via Cinematical]


Thank God he didn’t get this role. Then we may have never known Jack Burton, the greatest movie character of any generation.
Off topic: I was just watching a video of a confrontation between a Planned Parenthood in Texas and a pro-life group. In the middle of the video an embedded ad pops up. “One Secret to a Flat Belly!”
Indeed.
SNAKE PLISSKEN SHOT FIRST.
Balloon Boy: “Mr Solo, why are you touching the skin between my beans and my butt?”
Kurt Solo: “You’ve never heard of the Perineum, Falcon?”
When I was little, I wanted to be Princess Leia, just so I could marry Han Solo.
Actually, I still want that.
Han Solo was an inter-galactic smuggler.
Join the queue, Patty.
*adjusts slave bikini, re-tucks junk*
/end nerdgasm
I don’t know, I think he did a nice Han Job.
Han Solo: You know what ol’ Han Solo says at times like this?
Boba Fett: Who?
Han Solo: HAN SOLO. ME!
I was too good for this role, anyway. Harrison Ford? What a bitch.
Fuck this, I wanna see Heath Ledger’s audition for Greeto!
Unfortunately, Russell blew his audition when he kept referring to C-3PO as ‘Goldie Horn’.
You know what ol’ Jack Burton says when the death star is blowing planets up, and the galactic senate has been disolved? When the storm troopers come a knockin’ and Darth Vader is mind choking your friends? I tell ya what Jack Burton says at a time like that, he says have ya paid your dues yet Luke? Have ya paid your dues?
Fuck this, I wanna see Nia Vardalos’ audition for Chewbacca!
Fuck this, I wanna see Paris Hilton’s audition for the Sarlaac!
Han Solo: “I don’t get this at all. I thought Darth Vader-”
Vader: “Shut up, Mr. Solo! You are not brought upon this world to ‘get it’”!
Milton Berle’s penis auditioned for R2-D2.
No horse-shit, Chewy?
WWWRRAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR AAAAAAWWWWWWWRRR RRRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!
Obi-Wan: “You see, you can do it.”
Han: “I call it luck.”
Obi-Wan: “In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck.”
Han: “Look, going good against remotes is one thing. Going good against the living? It’s all in the reflexes.”
:55 second mark.
The bigger revelation is that wop reading for Luke Skywalker. He’s nailing it.
They could have gotten Michael Douglas to play him frozen in carbonite.
Leia?! Don’t hardly know y…
[Greeto pops out of trash can, shoots Crappy in the back of the head]
I’ve been told my dick looks like a Darth Vader helmet.
True story.
That is all.
Off screen, Lucas is chewing on a kitten.
Kurt Russell would have made Greedo’s head into a canoe
This is a lot harder than Taylor Lautner’s Twilight Audition.
Take your shirt off and try to look ethnic and fiery, kinda like when you played Shark Boy
Pauly, His nutsack looks like Vader without a helmet!
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Kurt Russell refused to wash Lucas’ racecar bed; that’s why he didn’t get the part.
Variety headline:
Stars War over Star Wars Star Role!
The Herve Villechaize testing for Yoda was so bad Lucas was quoted as saying, “Fuck this! Get Oz’s hand up a muppet’s ass, stat!”
R2 beats Kurt Russel’s Han Solo at that monster chess game. “Cheating bitch!” Han pours J&B whisky into R2. R2′s CPU fizzes and smokes. R2 keels over and Chewbacca pulls C3P0′s head off. The Empire wins. Hooray.