11.16.09 ITALY SMELLS LIKE CAT FUR & SADNESS NOW TOO
(”Aw, but he does, honey. You just have to hold the turkey baster up to the sunlight.”)
Remember how Forks, Washington became a tourist attraction because Twilight was set there? Well now the same thing is happening to Volterra, Italy, a setting of New Moon. The Volturi scenes in the movie were actually shot in Montepulciano, but these are fans of an abstinent, vegetarian vampire we’re talking here.
On a college break, American teenager Kiersten Kunke and her friend, Canadian Stephanie Regier, plot their version of an Italian Grand Tour. On their must-see list: Florence, Venice, Rome — and Volterra?
This small Tuscan city with an ancient Etruscan history has become a cult destination among traveling teenagers and people in their 20s (not to mention some vampire-loving mothers), thanks to Twilight.
Kunke, 19, found Volterra on a map as soon as she read New Moon. “I was like, I have to go there,” says the native of Portland, Ore. “It was just one of those things I had to do.” [Like the freshman 15. -Ed.]
The only English speakers in a group of Italian Twilight fans, Kunke and Regier giggle and snap photos in Volterra’s narrow alleys, trying to scare each other. “Omigod, is that a bat?” Kunke says.
Riolo leads the tour into a dark building, where they walk down a clammy staircase. Waiting at the bottom: two cloaked men and a small woman, all deathly pale. “The Volturi!” Regier gasps.
The vampires walk silently among the tourists, pulling “victims” up on a stone table. The girls huddle closer together. “This is creepy,” Kunke whispers — before a vampire grabs Regier. As he attempts to bite her, she dissolves into laughter.
After the tableau, the tour-goers relive their New Moon moments over drinks. Turns out that the actors who played the Volturi are members of Compagnia della Fortezza — a theater troupe of convicts named after Volterra’s Medici-era fortress-turned-prison. [USAToday]
Man, how awesome would it be if one of these chicks obsessed with chaste, sparkling white, pussy-whipped vampires ended up getting raped by a real-life Italian convict? Aw crap, did I just wish rape on someone? I promised my shrink I’d try to do that less this week.
[picture source: Buzzfeed]
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/googleneverliescopy-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/newmoon-stewart-lautner-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/keanureeves-150x150.jpg)
There are 34 comments about:
ITALY SMELLS LIKE CAT FUR & SADNESS NOW TOO
The only Twilight fans that need worry about getting raped by the members (he he) of an Italian all convict theater troupe are the ones sporting only a mud hole.
THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND ITALY ON THE FUCKING MAP, BUT THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING AGREE ON WHICH TRUCKSTOP BATHROOM STALL I BUTTFUCKED THEIR GRANDMA IN!!!
These girls think all Italians are vampires because everybody they meet keeps calling them “chow”.
Man, how awesome would it be if one of these chicks obsessed with chaste, sparkling white, pussy-whipped vampires ended up getting raped by a real-life Italian convict? Aw crap, did I just wish rape on someone? I promised my shrink I’d try to do that less this week.
Even worse, you wished sex with a Twilight fan on guys who have already paid their dues to society.
People in Volterra speak Candide-ly.
I can name you two North American tourists who definitely didn’t take any forced perspective shots that made it look like they were fellating the leaning tower of Pisa.
“Omigod, is that a bat?”
“Hey! Why do you hafta make-a the fun-a Luigi?”
“Omigod, is that a penis?”
“Omigod, is that a bat?” Kunke says.
Seconds later, she was smashed in the face by a 34-ounce Louisville Slugger wielded by a Klingon wearing red chucks.
That’s not cat fur you smell, it’s the moustaches of all those Italian women.
HE’LL CAHLTON FISK YA FEKKIN FACE WITH A LOOEYZVILLE FEKKIN SLUGGAH!
Considering the kinds of exotic, pungent cheeses they eat in Europe, The Mighty Feklahr is not surprised that the smell of these girls made the convicts very hungry and want to bite them.
The Volturi scenes in the movie were actually shot in Montepulciano
They don’t care where the movie was filmed. They want to see where it actually happened.
The Italian word for “Twilight” is “twilight-a”, but to pronounce it correctly, you have to arrange your fingers as though you were holding a cylindrical object and move your hand back and forth while rolling your eyes.
Hey, I can sympathize with those girls wanting to reenact scenes from their favorite movie. I love Taxi Driver, that’s why I always take my dates to porno theaters and have them walk out on me
See, Italian American vampires, daygo like dis. Real Italian vampires, daygo like that.
Ironically, when the child’s father has custody, it wears a bib that reads “I wish my mommy showered.”
Italian werewolves don’t transform into wolves, they transform into doges.
Did Paris Hilton get murdered in House of Wax? If so, I’d really like to reenact that scene.
So this is like Roman Holiday, just really fucking sad and pathetic and lame and depressing?
It’s too bad that all the Twilight fans are abstinent. I bet those actors playing the vampires thought they could get The Italian Hand Job out of doing this.
After seeing one of these Volturi acts, one of the LARP guys was quoted as saying, “Wow, that was pretty gay.”
Faggettaboutit.
You’ll need more than a little garlic to ward off an Italian vampire, but tell him his mother can’t cook for shit and he’ll run away crying like-a da little girl.
The girls then looked all over Volterra for an Olive Garden because they wanted some real Italian food. And some breadsticks, oooohhh those breadsticks!!
Comment on this post:
You must be logged in to post a comment. Not yet a member, register for free.