Nine times out of ten when a person is offended by something, it’s because he or she is an idiot. Moral outrage = not enough oxygen in the womb. Sorry, folks, it’s just science. But then this poster for Rob Marshall’s Nine came out, and I thought hey, why should stupid people have all the fun? I want to be the aggrieved party for once. So, as an Italian-American, I’d like to formally express my moral outrage at having Nine use the tagline “Be Italian.” What is that supposed to mean? Is this how you see us? What an unfair stereotype. You think we all just run around singing cheesy-ass songs and shooting movies that make perfume ads look subtle by comparison? Screw you, buddy, you can’t just go around making sweeping generalizations like that, this isn’t Mexico.
I went ahead and made a poster that better reflects the diverse nature of real Italians. I used an ancient symbol of national pride, Italian Anteater.
[via Cinematical, Yahoo]
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I FUCKING LOVE TAGLIATELLE!!!!!
“Be Italian” means “Get a pushcart”
Italians are hairy.
I’m offended by the Mighty Fek’lhr’s Nine. But that’s just because it’s a naked Klingon doing a handstand in my living room.
That anteater needs WAY more hair product.
“Be Italian” means “Don’t be ashamed of your organ and dancing monkey”
From what I’ve gather, being Italian would be pretty sweet. You’re surrounded by beautiful Italian women who can cook their asses off and know that when you raise your eyebrow, it’s time to shut the fuck up. Sounds good to me.
Italians are in the mafia.
Lince, being in Iowa, He know Jack and Shit about Italians. In fact, everything he knows about Italians can be summed up with Chef Boyardee, Guido Beach, and Super Mario Brothers.
“Be Italian” means “Hang out at the Jersey shore”
Italians all drive scooters.
I would not be offended by any guy’s nine. EVER.
“Be Italian” means “Embrace date rape”
This Holiday Season Be Italian.
So this movie wants me throw on an Ed Hardy shirt and date rape my way through Bensonhurst?
And fuck, according to the New Moon director, apparently Italians speak Spanish! WTF?
“Be Italian” means “Wear a wife-beater and a gold chain”
Italians gesticulate wildly during turgid discussions about catagorical imperatives.
That was my dick you just stepped on, Chareth.
“Be Italian” means “Get a blow out and hit the club”
In my experience, “B. Italian” is never the box I’m supposed to check in the race/color section of the SRS forms I just filled out.
“Be Italian” means “Talk with your hands”
J-FYI, old school FD on Gamma Squad (6 million hearing aid).
I do enjoy Italian egg nog, however.*
*Petron with a dash of GHB
“Be Italian” means “Enjoy some
fried chickenpasta”Italians say “OOOOOoooooohhhhh!” a lot.
“Be Italian” means “Add ‘a’ to the end of every word”
Italians all have bunches of garlic cloves hanging in the kitchen.
“Be Italian” means “Wear a moustache (this only applies to women)”
“Whatta you matta, Vinny? Why’ah you’ah sellah outs yo people like-uh thees? Look-uh dat good Klingon boy, he no call his-a momma a smooth-a forehead!”
So can someone Photoshop me a huge turdpile on the floor on that Katie Couric pic, or what?*
*realizes no one has ever offered to make Him one of His photoshops ever }}:>(
Italian Uproxx has a site called Gramma squad because why you no call-a you gramma? She cooka you a nice a plate a pasta and you gonna leave a so soon? Wassa matta for you?
I miss Ricky.
At least this time, an Italian hearing the word “nine” won’t be as a response from a German asking about forgiveness for switching allegiances during WWII.
Italian mothers are nosey and notorious hoverers.
Be Italian means… [www.youtube.com]
B.I. Tallinn is the hottest new cop show in Estonia.
Italians are all about butt secks.
No wait, that’s the Greeks.
Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis in: The Unbearable Lightness of Being In Crap Like This Just to Get Some Fucking Bills Paid.
I’m totally stabbing some English soccer fans in the ass this Christmas.
I might even bring a knife with me
*air lyre*
True Story;
8 1/2 is an overrated turd.
Burnsy, for once I was hoping for Nelson.
Italian Uproxx has a site called Gramma squad because why you no call-a you gramma? She cooka you a nice a plate a pasta and you gonna leave a so soon? Wassa matta for you?
Fuck any of you that don’t agree, but that shit is funny.
Fek, I have a yeast infection, sorry.
Being Italian means putting Parmigiano-Reggiano on your Corn Flakes.
Italians say “youse” a lot.
Italians get all stabby around the Irish.
Italians own titty bars.
Being Italian means sleeping with horse heads.
Bryce’s grandmother has a site called Gramma squat.
Being italian means calling macaroni “mostacholli” for no reason other than that they are full of themselves. Also, it’s no coincidence that ‘Neil Alagelli’ is illegal alien backwards. I made it that way on purpose.
Italians think Sinatra was Jesus reborn.
If Fergie truly wants to be Italian, she’s gonna have to ditch those black guys she’s always with.
I’m just going to stick with being an indian giver this holiday season.
Italians yell obscenities at attractive women.
Being Italian means not being able to enjoy the never ending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden.
Italians like Fiats and guys named Tony.
Italians fetishize the tomato.
Italians love lazy beaver puns.
Italians crucified Jesus and then opened the Vatican.
I’d like to turn Japanese this holiday season, but my wife won’t let me touch her :(
Italians are plumbers with serious turtle hate issues.
Italians hate people who say “red sauce.”
I’m offended by getting dick-stepped all over the last thread and never even being offered a reach around.
Italians are bad at football.
Italians hate people who say white sauce because the technical term is “jizz”. Also alfredo tastes like white gravy with no salt and pepper.
Italians think Fibonacci is a national treasure.
Italians know that you have no idea what a real pizza is.
Erswi, I stood up for you in a completely pussy, passive-aggressive kinda way.
*I’m not Italian*
It wasn’t me erswi, i don’t think at least. I’m the one who tracked dog shit in all over the house, not dick.
Vinny, why you make-a your muttuh cry? Ask-a de nice klingon, maybe he get you good-a job in trucking? You make-a de family ashamed with all de online stuff. Itsa not honest! De good klingon boy, he goes-a to work every day! Look-a your muttuh, she-a crying!
Italians only get the Parm Oregano bread at Subway.
Am I also the only one who seems to have F’d up the threads beyond all recognition today? I got “New Up” comments appearing in the fucking post they reference, I got first page jokes showing up on second pages (making me look like I’m dickstepping).
Does my finally getting some fucking sleep screw my bloggery up this badly?
Italians think Sinatra was Jesus reborn.
And Madonna was his mother.
Freaky shit.
Earlier, When i’d click to go to page 2, my browser just kept downloading an html file titled “2″ from uproxx. Well, it named it 2 the first time, then started calling them “2(1)”, “2(2)” and so on. So yes, you are the only one.
<iItalians are plumbers with serious turtle hate issues.
You’d hate them too, if they raped your shoe.
Day-Lewis: English.
Cotillard: French.
Cruz: Spanish.
Dench: English.
Fergie: Fuck knows.
Hudson: Fuck cares.
Kidman: Australian.
Loren: Hey! It’s-a boutta fucking time!
This just Wop’s you upside the head with its Dago-ness
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON BE ANYWHERE ELSE
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
From Rob Marshall director of Two Gay Musicals, Memoirs Of a Geisha and an Annie TV Movie.
Seriously. Why Would You Watch This?
Italian helicopters go **wop wop wop wop wop wop wop**
Italian highway workers wear dago orange safety vests.
Italian retards garlick windows.
Italian cops are guinea pigs.
*hates self a little*
Italian gamblers just want a pizza de action.
Italian vagrants are always Roman.
The dominant Italian male is known as the Alfa Romeo.
The Dutchess of York is in this?
Hey guys! What’s happening?
Oh. Nothing. I see.