11.25.09 EVERYONE HATES OLD DOGS. ALMOST.
I’d love to review Old Dogs just to tell you how bad it is, but there’s a limit to how much I’m willing to suffer for you guys, and I already have to read entertainment columns. Luckily there are plenty of other creepy shut-ins who’ll say mean things about it for me, and I can use their delicious hate to keep my skin moist and clammy. In general, I’d say the most common dog pun was about how Old Dogs deserved to be “put down.”
If Old Dogs were a person, I would stab it in the face. -Hitfix
Old Dogs does to the screen what old dogs do to the carpet. It’s unfortunate that only the latter can be taken out and shot. -NY Post
As if to compensate, “Old Dogs” continually cuts away from Williams’ antics to “cute” reaction shots from an actual old dog. -Florida Times-Union
Kids who suffer from progeria may be able to relate to Old Dogs, but it’s hard to imagine anyone else fully appreciating it. -St. Paul Pioneer
“Old Dogs” seems to have lingered in post-production while editors struggled desperately to inject laugh cues. It obviously knows no one will find it funny without being ordered to. How else to explain reaction shots of a dog responding to laugh lines? -Roger Ebert
Let’s see… murder, stabbings, poop, progeria, gunshot wounds — I think that about covers it. Of course, I did find one guy who liked it. Guess who it is. C’mon, just guess.
Shocking, right? Let’s see how many times this asswipe practically begs to get quoted:
“an often riotously funny slapstick farce that ought to appeal to moviegoers of all ages.”
“This Thanksgiving holiday entry should have plenty to be thankful for indeed, once box office returns are in.”
“Pure slapstick presented at a breezy pace and offering Williams and Travolta a chance to let their comic chops run wild.”
“effortlessly mixes over-the-top comedy with heartwarming moments that Williams in particular seems to have trademarked.”
“Robin’s in great form and has terrific chemistry with Travolta as they manage to recall a modern-day Abbott And Costello.”
“Stealing every scene he’s in, though, is Green who could probably turn mugging into a national pastime. His exaggerated reactions during a disastrous golf game and especially in his romantic entanglement with the aforementioned gorilla are guaranteed laugh-getters.” [BoxOffice.com]
Just so we’re clear, Pete Hammond thought this was a guaranteed laugh getter:
If mugging becomes the national pastime, I hope someone steals this fat retard’s wallet.
(By the way, how would one person turn something into a “national pastime?” Wouldn’t a national pastime need to be participated in by a large number of people? And what does that even mean, a national pastime? Can’t there only be one of them? Isn’t that the whole point of it being the national pastime, to have a title that only one thing can have, like “Super Bowl MVP” or “the official beer of Major League Baseball” or whatever? Oh forget it.)
*gets hit in the nuts*
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There are 40 comments about:
EVERYONE HATES OLD DOGS. ALMOST.
“Pete Hammond’s positive movie critiques are surpassed only by his agreeance with Hitler’s vision.” – Burnsy, Fuck That Guy Gazette
Damn, Pete hammond. I guessed Monk De Wally De Honk.
If Old Dogs was an actual dog, I’d give it a parvo suppository then throw it into the well.
Sorry son, before you can have a puppy, you have to first prove to me that you are mature enough to sit through Old Dogs.
I want to rub Pete Hammond’s nose in his review.
I would go see Old Dogs, provided that when it isn’t looking I can steal it’s ketamine.
So Pete Hammond comments here as Film Nazi?
So… Pete Hammond is Film Nazi?
In fact, John Clayton fucking hated Old Dogs, thank you very much.
I murdered this piece of shit and didn’t shed a tear. -Travis Coates
Pete Hammond’s review really tugged at my heartworms.
[divorces Donk, marries Jack!]
Sorry keyHo, but them’s the rules.
Pete Hammond’s grandfather was actually a young radio journalist in the late 1930’s. I have a transcript of his coverage of some huge event, not sure what. It reads:
“Wow! What a spectacular sight! The entire night sky has erupted in a fire ball of excitement! This – this is humanity!”
This film puts me in the “murder/suicide in the theater” type of mood.
Nice dickstomp, Crapba / Jack. Luckily I only give a shit about what half of you say.
Old Dogs destroyed my brain like Polanski destroys pre pubescent anus.
Dr. Doolittle tells me that the dog in the reaction shots is asking him to kill it.
Stealing every scene he’s in, though, is Green who could probably turn mugging into a national pastime
No way, I already have mugging as a national pastime tradmarked. You could say I’m robsessed. Now give me the money in your sock. I know it’s in there. I cut you.
So was Pete Hammond referring to Seth Green “mugging” for the camera to garner laughs or that mugging Seth Green (as in the fake Butterfinger mugging video) will become the national pastime?
I’d like to make slamming the trunk on Rita Wilson’s fingers into the national pasttime.
This is why I like Vince, he gives us scumfucking shitard douchebags to hate on. Maybe he’s got a little of that Italian Klingon in him after all!
If somebody took me to this movie, I’d make it the national last time.
Why didn’t Pete Hammond just say “THIS TOTALLY LICKED THE JIF OFF MY TAINT!”?
Pete Hammond looks just like that guy I see that is always sitting in his car in the Perkin’s parking lot…
If you bring this movie into your life it will pee on your carpet and will weird you out when you masturbate.
This Old Dog licks its asinine.
Pete Hammond look like he’s not someones real dad.
Pete Hammond never gives bad reviews to movies out of fear that Ewe Boll might want to fight him.
I dub thee, Offal Dogs.
Robin, please, get rid of the RV, Liscence to Wed, Old Dogs agent and rehire the, One Hour Photo, Insomnia, Death to Smoochy agent.
Dor sho gha, Fek! I know that guy!
Aw, I give people things to hate. *sniff* My parents would be so proud…
If acting like a simpering fuckwad is comedy, call me Andy Kaufman.
So Ebert was really jawboning about how much he disliked this movie, eh?
Pete Hammond thinks dudes getting sodomized by gorillas is funny? Me too! When it’s Seth Green.
The line, “Hey baby, wanna see MY old dog?” has gotten me kicked in the nuts so many times I’ve made being kicked in the nuts a national pastime for my nuts.
Aw come on guys, once you give Old Dogs a chance it will mount you like your auntie’s grate dane.
- The Hamm’
Hey Film Nazi, pick a position on this film and stick by it.
HAHA Vince got hit in the nuts. Nothing brings the funny quite like a good nut shot.
I saw Ninja Assassin last night. At first i was all like “oooo i’m going to be all smart and critical” and then the first kill came which was fucking COOL which led me to remember how much i love gory kung-fu movies. “Yeah! POW, BIFF, SLAM, SUCKER PUNCH! FLEX!” IT WAS A FUN MOVIE, THE END.
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