(“I know what you’re thinking, ladies, and the answer is yes.”)
Director Danny Boyle is reuniting with Slumdog Millionaire writer (say it looked pretty if you want, but that movie was horribly written) Simon Beaufoy and producer Christian Colson for 127 Hours, a movie about mountain climber Aron Ralston.
Ralston’s right forearm got pinned for nearly five days under a boulder during a climb in Utah in May 2003. He used a dull knife to amputate the limb, then scaled a 65-foot sheer wall and hiked out before running into a family that gave him water and food. He was finally rescued by helicopter. [Variety]
That reminds me of the time I had a big pimple on my back that I was scared to pop, so I made my girlfriend do it and then cried until she made me a martini with a vicodin crushed into it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that unless this guy turns blue and fights the helicopter with a pterodactyl, who really cares.
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He waited five days because the rock really did have a nice personality; he didn’t want to hurt any feelings.
He must have tried all sorts of things over those five days before finally admitting he was stumped.
Pictured, the last guy to try fisting with Chyna.
Danny Boyle figures this guy can build his own fucking house.
Dr. Richard Kimball can’t quite put his finger on it, but he just doesn’t trust Aron Ralston.
Aron Ralston has never been the same rock-paper-scissors player as he was before the accident.
Anybody else here? Show of hands?
C’mon, Aron. I can see you, get that sucker up in the air ya jerk.
Yeah, ha ha. Very funny Aron. Listen, you were a shop teacher last year for Halloween, why don’t you try being something else instead? I don’t know, Vietnam vet, shark attack survivor, thalidomide baby, anything but a fucking shop teacher.
He never would have survived if he didn’t have that Hemingway paperback to keep him occupied.
Aron Ralston loved Slumdog Millionaire THIS MUCH!
He asked for food AND water from that family? Pussy.
Aron Ralston is who Roger Ebert calls on when he feels “meh” about a movie.
Now he’ll finally have the money to have that prosthetic fleshlight made.
Aron Ralston gets one dollar foot-longs from Subway.
*volunteers to be Aron’s puppet in tonight’s show*
Aron Ralston likes to swallow quarters and laxatives then show people his slot-machine impression.
Danny just knows a bargain when he’s sees it. Just like the Indian kids, he doesn’t have to pay this guy an arm and a…
this corner smells like curry
It’s a great story but six Saw movies later, they might as well let Pixar develop it.
So Aron full name is Alex Ronriguez, right?
I’d cut my hand off, too, if I was pinned like that. Now, if I was pinned by my hair? Forget it!
Aron likes to volunteer by reading to deaf kids. They only get about half of what he tells them.
For his weiner’s sake, I sure hope Aron is a lefty.
Aron does the best tree stump shadow puppet you’ll ever see.
Now Aron will have enough money to get that circular pool installed.
If the movie does really well, maybe he’ll get honored by a spot in front of Grauman’s Theater.
Of course, his prints would look like a first-grader’s drawing of a turkey playing basketball, but it would still be quite an honor.
Aron has to go back to kindergarten as he can only count to five :(
Something about that stump grinds on me.
If Aron asks you to give him a hand, fucking RUN!
Ralson hasn’t had this much exposure since he nearly died of…
heads back to corner
serious
I saw Tom Brokaw take this dude back to where it happened and listening to him describe what happened was so fucking metal my face melted.
“I could see my hand on the pinned arm and when I touched my thumb and it burst open I knew I had lost the arm.”
“Cutting really didn’t hurt that bad until I hand to cut through this big white nerve…”
“I just had to lurch and the bone snapped pretty easy.”
There is no way they will do that story justice.
/serious
Shia Lebouf is unimpressed. I mean, he almost lost a finger AND he had a hangover!
This really hamstringed his passion for mime.
I wonder who is Aron’s favorite character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High…
Now he can finally get that chain-saw hand he’s always wanted.
Here’s the church and here’s the steeple, Aron’s congregation consists of five people.
He’ll get you next time, Gadget… NEXT TIIIIIME!”
Not to mention his WoW character. He has a PTSD attack everytime someone mentions WASD.
OMG! Half price manicures!!
INVISIBLE HAND!
He can use Michael Jackson’s other glove.
Aron finishes every dance with JAZZ HAND!
He claps by slapping himself in the face.
Most people would just give Danny Boyle the finger.
The introduction of Aron to Rick Allen was really awkward.
If he was deaf, he have a severe speach impediment.
Aron still insists on shaking on every deal. Michael J. Fox style.
I thought 127 Hours was about emergency room wait times under ObamaCare.
Say it looks pretty if you want, but his stump is also a horrible writer.
Aron fucking hates the Hokey Pokey.
Boyle didn’t want to play it safe after winning the Oscar, so he picked a story that would really let him go out on a limb.
Truth be told, I’m more impressed with his removal of the other ‘a’ in Aron.
INVISIBLE HIGH-5!
Man that’s a lot of puns, maybe we should all take five.
Somewhere a three legged wolf is nodding knowingly.
Aron gave up mountain climbing for golf, he has a wicked hook.
Only being able to jerk off one dude at a time wsa a real downer for Aron.
Aron can totally kick your ass with one hand tied behind his back. Literally.
For Aron, jump rope has become wildy swinging rope.
GAH!!!!!! I missed the Rick Allen joke cut off by *THIS MUCH*…
He can only offer you a knuckle hors d’oeuvre.
Aron is now only half as effective at hitch hiking.
Why doesn’t he roll up his other sleeve? Don’t be so lazy Aron
Aron’s emails make absolutely no sense.
I’d almost rather see a story about a rock that develops a taste for human flesh after devouring a hiker’s arm. Not a lot goes on, but there’s a SHITLOAD of suspense.
TWO ARMS! TWO ARMS! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!
…Well, not you Aron… but to every body else, TWO ARMS!!
DANNY BOYLE TRADES THREE INDIAN KIDS FOR A ONE-ARMED WHITE GUY
So can I give you two indian kids and get a woman’s bottom half? Just wondering…. actually, it’s for a friend. Yeah, a friend was wondering.
“Don’t shoot! I’m one-armed!”
The worst part about being stuck under that rock for five days in Utah is you can’t escape the damned Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Good thing he’s not Italian or he wouldn’t be able to communicate anymore.
The saddest part of this is that this accident prevented Aron from following in the footsteps of his father and his father before that. Yep, they had to close the family lion taming business down.
His new nickname: Lefty
He had to quit his job as a crime scene investigator. It’s not that he couldn’t do it one-handed, it’s just that condoms cost a shitload more than rubber gloves.
When Aron goes to rap concerts, he puts his hand in the air and waves it like he just don’t care.
Aron Ralston and Rick Allen went as each other this halloween.
Banner pic: A split second later Dirty McBum’s teeth were completely shattered by a phantom backfist.
Getting out of that predicament with two hands would have been an amazing feat of prestidigitation.
*has achieved Nerd Level 5 for not needing to Dictionary.com the word prestidigitation*
The left tit on Aron’s girlfriend is gonna get jealous.
also, unfortunately;
New up
So Danny’s semi-officially ditching Alex Garland…? Maybe we should be thankful: if Alex were writing this one, the boulder would be pinning the guy’s head, not his arm. “And then, without my eyes or ears, I had a hell of a time reaching the highway. I couldn’t eat or drink. Waitaminnit: I’m dead. Fuuuuck.”
After that Phish was never the same…