11.09.09 COMMENTS OF THE WEEK: BLACK DYNAMITE
Morning, y’all. The good news is, I’ve got a couple copies of the Black Dynamite soundtrack to give away to today’s comments of the week winners (other good news: Jesus is risen). It’s a pretty cool soundtrack, and the movie is still in theaters (a handy list of which you’ll find here). So go see it, otherwise you’ll make me look bad, and I totally don’t need that right now.
And now, the winners. Choosing this was brutal because you guys were on fire like my genital sores this week. But here are the top three, the prize winners:
(from Avatar crew congratulates themselves) Chareth Cutestory says: “Good news, we can fly you to an alien planet and graft your DNA with that of an alien, follow that up with a mind-meld thingy, thereby allowing you to infiltrate their species and take them out.”
“And what about my paralysis? How’s that coming?”
“We’re not miracle workers, dude.”
(from the Retarded Church Orphan MMA Fighter movie) Vodka says: Alternate title: Takedown Syndrome
Burnsy says: No Holds Tard.
Well done, guys, email me your addresses. As for honorable mentions, there are many. Especially the rest of that retarded MMA thread:
Chareth Cutestory says: Alternate title: Affliction.
Donkey Hodey says: They should have made him a foreigner instead and called if ‘Perfect Stranglers’.
Buzzardsaw says: Alternate Title: Never Back Downs.
Stinkey Peet says: Alternate title: Fragile xXx [Ed. Note: Mr. Science sez "Yep, that's a Down Syndrome reference.]
* sees karma frowning in the distance *
* remembers he’s done having kids *
* drops pants, helicopters d-ck *Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: It just goes to show you that retarded strength will take you a long way, but a retarded heart will take you even further.
And the crowd goes wild.
(From Joss Whedon offers to buy rights to Terminator) Donkey Hodey says: Joss Whedon looks like He’s been stealing from Ken Griffey Jr’s stash of nerve tonic.
I hope to God Joss Whedon never reads this page, but if he does… I’m very, very sorry.
(from Diora Baird’s deleted Star Trek scene) Burnsy says:
Diora reminds me of a poem I wrote in elementary school…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bitch get in the van
If you know what’s good for you.
From DirecTV Hires More Dead Celebrities:
Stinky Peet says: David Carradine wants you to know that all DirecTV subscribers get Oxygen.
From Mohammed biopic announced:
Donkey Hodey says: For this one, Mohammad will always be off-screen and his talking will come out sounding like a muffled trumpet.
Mohammad: Wah wah waah wahh, wah wahh wah wah waaah wah
Charlie Brown: Thy will be done.Pauly Dangerously says: They should get a sacred cow to play the role and call him “Moohammed.”
From the Russian poster for Avatar, in which the title looks like “Abatap.”:
Michelle07 says: Is it narrated by Mush Mouth from Fat Albert? “Heyba youba, youba my Abatap, my butba holeby hurt”*
*I like to assume
From Prince of Persia and his magic dagger that controls time:
African Prince says: Big deal, in my kingdom we have a magical stick that fast-forwards through commercial breaks.
From the Nut Shot scene in Old Dogs:
Immortal 9 says: Looks like it’s time for the old dog (*RECORD SCRATCH*) to learn new tricks.
*gets hit in the nuts*
From 1,001 Nights aka Arabian Nights:
Burnsy says: On roughly 99 of those nights, her story ended with, “Look a-hole, I just don’t feel like telling you the rest of it tonight. Jesus, you’re such a f-cking d-ck sometimes. I’m going to sleep at my parents’ house tonight. Where’s my f-cking chocolate bars, you sh-thead?”
Charlie Br0nze says: Yeah, nice story Scheherazade, how about a f-cking sandwich?
From Danny Boyle directing movie about one-armed climber Aron Ralston:
Donkey Hodey says: He can only offer you a knuckle hors d’oeuvre.
Stinky Peet says: Aron Ralston loved Slumdog Millionaire THIS MUCH!
Chino Moreno says: Here’s the church and here’s the steeple, Aron’s congregation consists of five people.
Pauly Dangerously says: INVISIBLE HAND!
Phew, did that take as long to read as it did to write? I hope not. Anyway, well done, guys, you’re really at your best when you’re ridiculing someone for their disability.
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There are 41 comments about:
COMMENTS OF THE WEEK: BLACK DYNAMITE
This all just begs the question, if bangkok invaded djibooti, would greece help?
Grats nerds.
I won! I finally won! I wo-
*trips over shoelaces*
*slaps Vodka and Chareth on their asses*
See you fuckers in the shower.
Thanks, guys!
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/box-office-wipeup-movies-i-dont-care-about#comments
ATidyLittleSum says:
Banner Pic:
The safe word is “Hum Bug”.
As long as I didn’t make the list, I hope that everybody knows that Vince stole the “Tracy Morgan hosting the Oscars” idea from me.
*puts Perineum Falcon joke back in storage*
The world just isn’t ready for you yet, my friend.
ATidyLittleSum has been busy:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/aw-hell-nah-will-smith-to-go-full-retard&cp=1#comment-228764
Banner Pic:
The Fresh Prince of Bells Palsy?
-AND-
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/sex-and-the-city-and-vampires
Sarah Jessica Parker would love being a vampire. She’d give anything not to see her own reflection.
Second ATidyLittleSum’s vampire SJP comment. Nice.
I’d have also accepted “It’s the only conceivable way she’d get wood driven into her.”
I am such a nom whore for Chino. It’s true. Go back and look at the last few months worth of COTWs.
In Awww Haillll Tard! Chino gets fresh with the funny.
I whistled for a short bus and when it came near, I licked all the windows and even the mirror.
Going back through yesterday’s posts:
ATidyLittleSum on http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/actual-news-dmx-replaced-by-coolio-in-mma-fight
“Thats the first time DMX has ever pulled out of anything”, said 9 of DMX’s Baby’s Mommas.
,b>Chino, http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/sex-and-the-city-and-vampires
The good news is that even the uptight one swallows.
goats documentary.
Patty Boots says:
Killing goats is kind of a useless super power. He’s like the Aquaman of farms.
A Tidy Little Sum in Go Ask Alice.
Rumor has it that the White Queen likes people to play with her Brown Duke.
Second Chino’s short bus.
Glen Beck has officially arrived:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/the-ap-cant-tell-twilight-douches-apart-either#comments
GlennBeckHasAIDS says:
If I was Robert Pattinson I’d say totally inappropriate shit just to see if the Twilight fans would keep screaming for me anyway. “THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT YA CUNTS!!!! I’D LOVE TO RAPE ALL OF YOU IN THE MOUTH!!!”
Something about the matter of factness and the detail in this just slays me:
GlennBeckHasAIDS
And if I was Cam Gigandet I’d take a loaded revolver and blow my brains out in front of everyone
I’m nomming Vince for this one because not only did it make me snort Diet Coke up my nose, but because I pasted it into an IRC channel and got two of my friends to snort Diet Coke up their noses.
I never liked Sarah Michelle Gellar. Bitch got no chin. Probably takes her hours to put on pillow cases.
Full disclosure: I stole the pillow case part of that from a comedian whose name I can’t remember. But, like, it was way funnier the way I said it.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/hindus-hate-avatar?cp=2#comments
Who else but Donk?
Zed’s comments are taken a bit out of context. He was surprised by a reporter from Madrid asking him a lot of questions all at once. He certainly did not expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Fek.
http://twitter.com/PattisonRobert
*whistles innocently*
Donk in THIS IS STUPID!
“Kra Ken?”
- yeah, his middle name is “Kalak”
*air guitar*
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/6-new-clips-of-ninjas-assassining&cp=1
Site Support:
test comment
AHAHAHAHA. I love the wacky alters you guys come up with.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/extraordinary-measures-trailer#comments
Stone Soup gets it:
Harrison Ford is a scientist working on a hail mary experimental miracle cure
I will pay double to see the movie if the scene literally depicts Harrison lobbing a syringe across a football field and injecting the girl half a second before she dies.
Literally.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/date-night-trailer?cp=2#comments
Jacktion!
The sequel to this movie will have a twist ending.
Date Night Shyamalan.
second Jack
Third.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/ultimate-star-wars-rape-van&cp=1
B.K.:
I would definitely take that to Toshi station to pick up some power converters. …and five year olds.
Same post, Burnsy:
SPOILER ALERT: No seriously, that’s a spoiler alert.
He hates Chino for coming up with a better line than His little princess line that no one gave any love to!
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/ultimate-star-wars-rape-van?cp=3#comments
ChinoMoreno says:
The Ford Escape is not his plan.
This entire post needs to get nominated but kudos to Lester for using my favorite Solo line.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/ultimate-star-wars-rape-van?cp=3#comments
Lester Hayes Mayes says:
And I thought they smelled bad … on the … outside!
Second (mo)Lester in the Star Wars Rape Van thread.
For joke that will send me to hell for laughing, despite my family being the victims of it:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/megan-foxs-rejected-hitler-joke
ATidyLittleSum says:
Lorne Michaels: Sorry, but we’ve got to cut your bit from the monologue.
Hitler: Awww Shwitz!
star rape thread
GlennBeckHasAIDS says:
“No, I AM YOUR FATHER!!! Now, come into the van…”
See, it´s all in the family.
Well. Played. Sir.
ATidyLittleSum on http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/tim-burtons-alice-in-wonderland-poster-2
The old people roses perk up whenever the Mad Hatter says the phrase “See Alice”.
Donkey Hodey in the Quentin Tarantino Japadvertisement:
“The nuclear family is especially normal in Nagasaki.”
Pure poetry.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/leap-year-trailer
The sad part is how pissed I am because I didn’t think of this:
Burnsy
More like SLEEP YEAR!
*fart noise, bowtie spins, Cutler throws another pick*
In Why Does God Hate Us? Burnsy beats a dead fatass -
Chris Farley is wobbling like a turtle in his grave.
on the same thread I liked better
ATidyLittleSum says:
Kevin James: Rope on a tree baby! The class is in session.
Spade(Turns to camera): Great, I’m here with Spanglish, CB4, Blart, and Bigalow, when I could be a douche at home with my DirecTV … But no, I’m stuck making a marginally funny movie with(points at Kevin James falling down a cliff).
Spade: Man, don’t you wish I was the one that died?
Second wobbly Farley Turtle
You forshak lapping yIntaghs are not nearly grateful enough that He is here to carry out justice in comment nomming.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/wknd-preview-california-will-go-down-on-you-in-a-theater
ChinoMoreno says:
I keep trying to rape this nun, but her dress is making it very difficult. It’s a hard habit to break.
(Let Him know if you need an explanation, retard)
No…he…didn’t just say that. I think I just pissed myself laughing.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/11/now-that-is-an-aggressive-headline#comments
spazmodic says:
Admiral Allahu Ackbar: “IT’S A TRAP!”
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