11.04.09 ACTUAL PREMISE: RETARDED CHURCH ORPHAN MMA FIGHTER
I’ve posted trailers for 12 Rounds and The Tooth Fairy, and just when I thought WWE’s movie projects couldn’t get any worse… THEY TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES!
[In "Knucklehead"], WWE Superstar, Paul “Big Show” Wight plays Walter Krunk, a 7-foot-tall, 440-pound naïve giant who was raised in the St. Thomas Orphanage and never left – until he takes to the road with Eddie and Mary.
Shortly after Eddie loses his new fighter and finds himself $50,000 in debt to longtime nemesis and bookie Memphis Earl (DENNIS FARINA), he discovers Walter, a bumbling life-long resident of the orphanage-turned-handyman with his own debt problems: The kitchen fire Walter caused will close down the church’s orphanage in a week unless he comes up with $50,000. Upon overhearing Walter’s predicament, Eddie convinces the no-nonsense head nun, Sister Francesca (WENDY MALICK) that Walter can win the $100,000 grand prize at the tournament to pay off the church’s debts. But in order to do so, he will need to take Walter on the road, enter amateur fights along the way, and teach him how to become a real fighter. [via WWE Corporate via MMAMania]
That’s right, a retarded giant fights MMA in order save the church orphanage - PLUS - no Cam Gigandet. It might be the world’s most perfect premise. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that the exact phrase “retard MMA” has appeared in the FilmDrunk comments section no less than 34 times, the first going back to December 2007. See also: my January 2008 headline “WILL MMA SAVE THE REC CENTER?“ Where’s our money, Vince McMahon?
Tagline: MMA: So easy a retarded church orphan could do it.
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/never_back_down_cam_gigande-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/alabama-pride-x-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/avatar-poulanderson-150x150.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/09/vests-zacefron-150x150.jpg)
There are 33 comments about:
ACTUAL PREMISE: RETARDED CHURCH ORPHAN MMA FIGHTER
If there is a single kangaroo in this film, WWE can expect to hear from our lawyers.
The Mighty Feklahr cannot, in good conscience, sue this movie after seeing the banner pic.
Instead He will let His Ferengi lawyers do it.
It’s Kingpin but with the knob slid from amish to retard.
Coincidentally, retarded MMA fighters mostly just say “Mma.”
Knucklehead? More like The Hunchback of Notre Lame, am I right?
* holds out fist for bump *
* left hanging *
* raises fist over head, walks to corner *
Man, if Dennis Farina’s character is essentially a reprise of his Ray ‘Bones’ Barboni from Get Shorty then i’m in. “The fuckin’ airport.”
It just goes to show you that retarded strength will take you a long way, but a retarded heart will take you even further.
Lince, can we get the glow in the dark version of this banner pic???
Alternate title: Takedown Syndrome
@Fek: Let’s take a picture to remember the day we spilled the fluorescent paint…
I bet the big bald motherfucker wasn’t left unsupervised during trips to the petting zoo.
@Vodka: I’ll give you the assist for this one:
Alternate title: xXy
Alternate title: Fragile xXx
* sees karma frowning in the distance *
* remembers he’s done having kids *
* drops pants, helicopters dick *
Alternate title: No Holds Tard.
Peet-The Mighty Feklahr is sure that gigantic bumbling retard has spilled plenty of paint at that orphanage! (Has the cigar burns to prove it, too!…HEY, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET AT THE BENDER HOUSE FOR SPILLING PAINT IN THE GARAGE!)
Automatic Oscar nod if there is a fight scene with Chris Burke.
They should have made him a foreigner instead and called if ‘Perfect Stranglers’.
Alternate title: Affliction
At this rate, Hollywood is gonna’ run out of rec centers, churches, etc., to save.
Breakneck 2: Electroconvulsive therapy,er,aloo
Apparently, there are only two types of nuns in Hollywood: the sweet kind who will teach you to sing and make clothes out of the curtains, and the bitchy kind who will hit you with a ruler.
attBoo, you forgot about the naughty ones.
Wait, does the valley count as part of Hollywood?
Secret Giant Gigolo!
So this is kind of like if the Hunchback of Notre Dame licked windows?
Alternate Title: Never Back Downs.
Too simple?
Comment on this post:
You must be logged in to post a comment. Not yet a member, register for free.