11.25.09 A MUCH BETTER NINJA ASSASSIN TRAILER

I hate it when Cantaloupes are all like, “Why don’t you ever pay attention to my needs?” and the Honeydews just act like have better things to do.

Fuckin’ Melondrama is the worst.

Mortal Kombat + The Matrix + Hollywood Stereotypes = Ninja Assassin

In other words, pass.

But I can’t wait for the sequel, Samurai Swordsman.

Those melons need to spend some quality time together so they can work through their diffferences and come together as a team. The place to do that? John Cougar Melon Camp.

He should be wearing a protective leather vest if he’s going to be in a factory that makes sparks (it just makes sparks).

/Patton Oswalt

So this is where Miller cans that horrible caffeinated alcohol drink?

So why in the fuck am I going to watch this when I have “Commando” on DVD?

OK, for real, I can go to the movies and pay 8 bucks to watch a slant fly through the air for 2 hours like it means something, or I can watch a REAL revenge movie with Arnie and a bodycount that can only be quantified by mathematical projection.

Seriously, if Kim Wonton Gook there gets shot, he will probably either die or cry about it. Fucking Arnold takes frag from a grenade, rubs some dirt on it, and fucking kills some guys with saw blades and hatchets.

Get bent, Hollywood.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe… ass ass.

Hey Burnsy. . . In.

The only thing wrong about this particular shirtless asian in a sparks factory is that he’s over 13.

I would have figured that the male version of Twilight would be The Lost Boys.

This would make an awesome commercial for natural male enhancement.

I can accept all the ninja-ing and assassinating in this trailer, but am I the only one who rolled their eyes at the scene with TWO Asians at a coin-op laundry. I mean, really, two Asians meet, ostensibly by chance, and the setting is a coin-op laundromat? Asians. Laundry. I find it completely unbelievable that two Asians, so obviously entrenched in the ways of the Ancient Oriental Art of Ninja Assassination, both have to pay to wash their jammies. Where’s Uncle Liu’s Steemy Kleen? It would be like seeing a movie with Nazis that are blond with blue eyes, but celebrating Passover.

My apologies, I meant to type “Steemy Kreen.” Good day.

A cougar melon stamp is your mom’s tattooed tit. The good one.

I admit, you had me at “shirtless Asian guy.”

But, once the video asked me to enter my age, and I double-checked I wasn’t at a Japanese TwiHard site, I realized I was at FilmDrunk.

All was well

Just saw this in the theater. I can pretty much sum this up by quoting a friend who leaned over half-way through the movie and said “There’s still time to sneak into Twilight.”

I would say this is the worst movie I’ve seen in theaters but I saw Paul Blart Mall Cop (not proud).