11.25.09 A CAUTIONARY TALE ABOUT GOING BAREBACK

This movie is so loud that I just want to shake it until it shuts up.

I’m more interested in seeing the documentaries of how these little shit factories were conceived.

*hits up redtube, types in amateur*

Sex leads to nothing but episodes of Dora The Explorer and child support.

This is why I only do anal.

Vince, did you start making up words in the middle of that quote just to fuck with us?

Babies get too much praise for shit. Oh, fucking wow, you barfed out a sound that almost sounds like a word! Big deal, I can pronounce prestidigitation and onomatopoeia, asshole. Wow, baby took her first step. So what, I’ve been conquering stairs for more than two decades. My kids will get no love until they can beat me at arm wrestling.

Of course I did. No one in real life is named Bear Gargle. Yet.

Jeez Donk, you sound like my old man…

*Still commands no respect despite holding multiple degrees*

Bayarjargal, who resides with his family in Mongolia, near Bayanchandmani

Near Bayanchandmani? Oh, that Bayarjargal.

There is one thing about babies that I can be thankful for. Without baby oil I’d have nothing to do when I’m bored.

Of course I did. No one in real life is named Bear Gargle. Yet.

And seriously… what the fuck is a “San Francisco”?

My kids will get no love until they can beat me at arm wrestling.

Geez, Donk, that seems a bit *sunglasses* Over the Top. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I contend that out of those four names, Hattie is the dumbest.

It’s just too bad there aren’t enough available babies to make it out of.

No one in real life is named Bear Gargle. Yet.

* pours out his 40oz for Timothy Treadwell *

Considering that Bob Clark is dead, I feel that movies about babies don’t have a lot of promise anymore.

Rock, have you tried arm wrestling him?

boPa, let’s find a state that allows it and get married.

My kids will get no love until they can beat me at arm wrestling.

Donk, if you start giving thalidomide to your wife today, you’ll never have to love those fuckers.

The lesson hear is that if you want to stop being hassled about following other people’s babies around with a video camers, you should just call yourself a documentarian*.

*keeping your dick in your pants is also probably important. What do I look like, your lawyer?

I know what you’re all thinking and yes, yes I am driving to Clearwater on Friday to take a picture with that dog.

Quick note. The editors decided to cut all the scenes involving Zhang Qui Dong and her Chinese family. Turns out the 15 seconds filmed from the time she was born to when the Doctor jammed the cyanide syringe in her soft spot didn’t really add to the film.

Hear? Here.

Also, we still haven’t picked out a name for the kid. I’ll run Bear Gargle by the wife, but I don’t expect it to go over too well. She didn’t appreciate it when I started listing off Chinese girls names and reminding her that we don’t live too far from a river…

And God willing I’m going to put sunglasses on that little bastard.

Yep Donk, I did… the old fucker’s heart pills are like a superhero origin story though.

Goddamnit, J.

I had sex with a Mongolian and all I got was this goddamned baby.

I think “THE BABIES WERE COMING” is more accurate.

I had sex with a Mongolian and all I got was this goddamned baby SARS.

FIXED!

I’m just wondering which baby will learn her native tongue’s words for “fried chicken” first. I mean, I understand the Colonel is huge in Japan, but I gotta think the American girl has the advantage there.

ha, you thought I was going to make a joke about the African baby didn’t you, racist? Well you were wrong. Now if I had said “flies” instead of “fried chick….

*gets dragged off stage and beaten*

I had sex with a Mongoloid and all I got was this baby with webbed fingers.

This film is like Twilight for women too old for Twilight… Then factor in the Bratz movie[s], and it’s clearly all part of the industry’s master plan to prevent women from having intelligent thoughts until is far too late.

Finally, I was starting to worry they’d NEVER release the Baby Geniuses 3 trailer.