10.26.09 VAMPIRE ABSTINENCE JUST GOT SEXIER
It’s not something I like to brag about, but at a previous job I was once asked to do a review of the Fleshlight. Though most of you are probably already familiar with it, the Fleshlight is a Maglight-sized tube filled with fake rubber vagina (or butt, or mouth) that sort of looks like a flashlight, hence the name. The short version of the review is that it’s like trying to jerk off with a three-pound dumbbell in your hand. Kind of a hassle, unless you make a hole in a bed or a sex doll for it, and if you’re going to that much trouble to jerk off… well, let’s not even go there. Not to mention, your own hand is already a pretty efficient fake vagina. Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth and you can even control their kegel muscles. My, this has been cathartic, hasn’t it.
Long story short, this is the vampire-themed Fleshlight called the Succu Dry. It’s perfect for the thousand-year-old sparkling vampire who can’t bone his girlfriend and has to spend all day listening to her melodramatic 16-year-old bullsh-t. I mean talk about sparkling blue balls. It only costs $5 more than the regular Fleshlight, but if you’ve got eternal youth and this is how you plan on spending your alone time, you might as well save up for a wooden stake to drive through your own heart.
[via Jizzmodo Gizmodo]
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/newmoon-blindside-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/googleneverliescopy-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/newmoon-stewart-lautner-150x150.jpg)
There are 63 comments about:
VAMPIRE ABSTINENCE JUST GOT SEXIER
Polio.
Looks like Hot Topic is gonna’ have a new top seller.
Hakuna Mutata.
They totally stole that from my mold of the dog mouth themed fleshlight.
What? Furries will buy anything.
I dunno aboot you guys, but I can’t imagine who would want to put their dick in something with pointy teeth.
Slappy Halloween!
When does the New Moon werewolf red rocket come out for us ladies?
The hardest part for the middle age women is figuring out how to mount the fleshlight on their edward shower curtain. That and how to clean cat hair out of it.
Why would middle-aged women want to mount it, Jirish?
for full effect, the fanged fifi requires peanut butter
I would go see a Twilight movie if Bella walked in on what’s his face banging one of these, and demands an explanation:
“I vant you…to suck…my DEEK!”
No thanks, I’ll stick to my fifi filled with broken glass and rusty nails.
Every fuck is an adventure!
For the Pre-Op trannies, they have one like this that’s modeled off of Eddie Murphy from ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’
Cause banging a shower curtain with a teenage boys face on it gets old after a while? I don’t know, I’m no expert.
What, no link to the fleshlight review, Lince?
“I had a real difficult time finding one snug enough for the average-sized gentleman like myself, compounding the problems was the shortage of moustached fleshlights…”
Also available: werewolf chia-pussy. Watch it grow hair, then fuck it!
We fucking serve it cold in space, nancy boy.
How did such a fearsome warrior race end up with such a pansy name, Fek?
I don’t need this. The girls that suck me off are always gleaming when I finish up on their face.
What’s with all the lame questions, spaz?
This shit will really drain the main vein.
You know, with some elmers glue and some glitter you could make this thing true to life.
I like my Fleshlight with stuble around it for authenticity.
When you’re a kid, “snowball maker in a can” has a totally different meaning.
I miss my innocence sometimes.
Comment on this post:
You must be logged in to post a comment. Not yet a member, register for free.