10.26.09 VAMPIRE ABSTINENCE JUST GOT SEXIER

Polio.

Looks like Hot Topic is gonna’ have a new top seller.

Hakuna Mutata.

They totally stole that from my mold of the dog mouth themed fleshlight.

What? Furries will buy anything.

I dunno aboot you guys, but I can’t imagine who would want to put their dick in something with pointy teeth.

Slappy Halloween!

When does the New Moon werewolf red rocket come out for us ladies?

The hardest part for the middle age women is figuring out how to mount the fleshlight on their edward shower curtain. That and how to clean cat hair out of it.

Why would middle-aged women want to mount it, Jirish?

for full effect, the fanged fifi requires peanut butter

I would go see a Twilight movie if Bella walked in on what’s his face banging one of these, and demands an explanation:

“I vant you…to suck…my DEEK!”

No thanks, I’ll stick to my fifi filled with broken glass and rusty nails.

Every fuck is an adventure!

For the Pre-Op trannies, they have one like this that’s modeled off of Eddie Murphy from ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’

Cause banging a shower curtain with a teenage boys face on it gets old after a while? I don’t know, I’m no expert.

What, no link to the fleshlight review, Lince?

“I had a real difficult time finding one snug enough for the average-sized gentleman like myself, compounding the problems was the shortage of moustached fleshlights…”

Also available: werewolf chia-pussy. Watch it grow hair, then fuck it!

We fucking serve it cold in space, nancy boy.

How did such a fearsome warrior race end up with such a pansy name, Fek?

I don’t need this. The girls that suck me off are always gleaming when I finish up on their face.

What’s with all the lame questions, spaz?

This shit will really drain the main vein.

You know, with some elmers glue and some glitter you could make this thing true to life.

I like my Fleshlight with stuble around it for authenticity.

When you’re a kid, “snowball maker in a can” has a totally different meaning.

I miss my innocence sometimes.

Fek

I never actually finished the review because I used it for like 5 minutes and thought, “this shit’s weird, I want to jack off the way god intended now.” And I thought that wasn’t enough basis for a review.

The only thing this “light” helps you see is your own loneliness.

Who lent you the “review copy”, Vince?

And did they take it back?

I’ll wait until Hammacher Schlemmer outfits one with a bluetooth compatible multihandset telephone. If I ever should choose to simulate chokefucking I’ll want everyone to know.

Fleshlights would be more popular in the south if they made them more realistic. What’s with the full set of teeth?

There must be some mistake here. My Edward Cullen replica cock just arrived in the mail but it appears to be inverted :(

sex is like jerking off with a 50kg dumbfuck on your hands.

My Edward Cullen replica cock just came in the male.

hehe

Mr. Ed >>>> Edward Cullen.

Yeah, it always seemed to Him that the more “realistic” and “advanced” they try to make the fifi, the less effective they tend to be. 9/10 times they make them WAAAAAAAAAAAY too tight. Listen, The Mighty Feklahr likes a nice grabby pussy as much as the next guy, but if He is just going to jerk it, He doesn’t need to be raping a Pomeranian sphincter.

…

OR DOES HE???

Oh, you did not just make fun of the south.

*gets shotgun*

Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the anthropological answer to why an open-handed slap is the most insulting thing one man can do to another.

Ugh, I’m ashamed to say I know a guy who bought a fleshlight and probably wore it smooth.

Slow your roll and get your daddy-brother off the phone, Patty. I was born in Georgia.

Ugh, I’m ashamed to say I know a guy who bought a fleshlight and probably wore it smooth.

I’m ashamed to say I know you too, Jirish.

@donk, not if you´re into fisting.

Haha you redneck. *runs away to obscure his IP*

Fek, if your fifi is too tight, here’s what you do. Get it pregnant, wait about 9 months and try it again.

The Mighty Feklahr can never convince Himself to spend the extra $20 on a fifi with a hymen. Now, if they hooked up audio of a girl crying in pain…

Hey hey hey, easy DH. I said “I know a guy” which obviously can’t be me. Pfft.

Man this argument would be a lot more convincing if I wasn’t single.

Chino-He has been trying to get His fifi pregnant for almost a year, but it turns out she has ovarian cysts. :(

@donk, not if you´re into fisting.

I wish I had a nickel for everytime somebody’s said that to me.

Hey, if I really got mad every time somebody made fun of the south, I’d be in a rage-induced coma by now.

Hmm…if my wife ever worked up the nerve to read this site, I would probably either get killed in my sleep or divorced.

“Why, no, honey, I didn’t just compare you to a sex toy and reveal your delicate medical condition to all of my online friends!”

I was supposed to write a review for this but I made the mistake using it outside in the daytime. Still trying to get the ash off my balls.