Check out Hot Topic’s brand new Twilight: New Moon collection. Back when I used to hang out at the mall, Hot Topic was the store for goth kids, which is why it seems weird that they’d be selling Twilight clothes now, because from what I remember, goths weren’t into abstinence. In practice, certainly, but as a theoretical concept, no. I also find it strange that abstinence vampires and ethnic temptation wolves get the same t-shirt treatment as fake wrestling guys. GRRR, MEANINGFUL GLANCE FROM THE TOP ROPE!*
They also have chunky charm bracelets, perfect for the fat-wristed. Er, husky-limbed. Anyway, toss one in the rascal on the way down to the food court there, lardy. Meanwhile, this fetching Edward Cullen hoody comes in dazzling, Salt Lake City Caucasian, and goes perfectly with this necklace you can put your coke in. And finally, don’t forget your “authentic prop replica jewelry” which contains no gold, but is truly the gold standard in oxymoronicness.
*Here are some other abstinence parable-related wrestling moves, courtesy of the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber:
- The Sleeper (cuddling, no intercourse)
- Atomic Spooning
- Figure Four Finger Lock
- DD (DDT without the gratuitous T)
- The People’s Quivering Lip
- MY GOD! MY GOD! THAT’S PAULA COLE’S MUSIC!
- The Stone Cold Shower
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/uproxx-video-whats-your-twilight-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/classic-video-kirk-cameron-stars-in-sex-lies-the-truth-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/Moonwalking--150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/great_gatsby_ver7_xlg2-150x150.jpg)
“And finally, don’t forget your “authentic prop replica jewelry” which contains no gold, but is truly the gold standard in oxymoronicness.”
Moody Gold?
Fuck. I thought this was another COtW post for a second.
Emo elephant chopped off his own tusks.
“What Would I Do Without You?”
Answer: Same thing you would do with that person, masturbate.
If you’ve seen the South Park episode, I dare anyone to try to get the “I’m gonna burn burn burn Hot Topic” song out of their heads.
The only ring these vamps are interested in is each other’s O Rings.
“I’ll Never Go Away”
…unless a group of mounted cavalry force him to give up his land and move to Oklahoma.
Hot Topic kids buy chastity ringtones for their phones.
“I’ll always be there for you…I’ll never go away”
Its like that guy’s queerness is talking to him.
Another abstinence parable-related wrestling move: Rear Appropriately Attired Choke
Caramel Clutch
My favorite abstinence-related wrestling move is the half-Nelson
The Designated Piledriver.
The Tender Whisper. It’s a variation on the full-Nelson, where you tell your opponent “Pssst…..I’l never go away.”
That burning you feel isn’t lust for post-marital sex, it’s just cheap metal reacting with your skin.
The Edward hoody isn’t fully functional. The hood is tied down to keep boys from playing with it.
Where’s the studded chastity belt?
Emo Elephant can’t squeeze his fat ass into his skinny jeans :(
There are no studs in Twilight. Silly Chino.
I think I’m going to buy that shirt on the left in the banner pic and just go as Herpes for Halloween.
I’ll always be there for you. I’ll never go away.
Offer that Injun a blanket and he’ll run away so fast that the only thing you’ll see is a cloud of dust.
That doesn’t stop half the girls I see walking around campus Chino.
Also, apparently muffin top doesn’t mean what I had hoped :(.
I prefer the LOLCat western, “Mew Noon”.
Emo Elephant has a great memory. He remembers every sad thing that’s ever happened to him.
Muffin top: out
Whale tail: in
Ha! Finger jewelry ask “What would I do without you?”
Answer: Probably give up abstinence.
The hoody confuses me. Edward doesn’t look vietnamese…
Only the power of the Hot Topic Authentic Wearable Prop Replica “Passion of the Christ” Jesus spike pendant can protect you. From turning emosissygay.
[www.sharethepassionofthechrist.com]
That’s the closest Edward’s ever been to touching boobs.
Emo Elephant wishes his friends would stop trumpeting. He’s trying to listen to My Chemical Romance. GOD!
The hoodies won’t keep you very warm as the zippers won’t go all the way.
Of course it’s not lost on me that putting your hand in the hoody’s pocket makes it look like you put your hand in Edward’s pants.
The emo children of the president of Spain, mostly complain about the king’s reign and are the bane of the same.
If you wear that hoody in the sun, it gets sparkly.
The shirt on the left is how you wear wolf.
If they make a snuggie version of that hoodie, it had better be extra absorbent.
Shutter up!
“What would i do with out you, you ask?”
Not look gay wearing this shit.
Why is the wolf-boy’s stomach covered in black paint?
Is that an abstain?