10.29.09 THE CHINESE STATES OF AMERICA

Amelica… FUCK YEAH!

No lie, I saw a kid’s toy of this little talking girl that teaches children Chinese phrases.

I don’t know what her actual name was, I just called her Dola Da Exprolah.

The Chinese invasion came to an abrupt halt when they realized that not only could none of them drive worth a shit, but the rednecks in Iowa disrupted their cell phone (with digital cameras, of course) signals with ROCK AND ROLL!!! (and empty beer cans launched into the atmosphere with those t-shirt guns cheerleaders use)

WORVELINES!

I remember a time when i was looking forward to Chinese democracy…

The invasion isn’t set to happen for another 30 years. They have to give all our children time to get lead poisoning first.

Take solace in the fact that Ord Grory will be well laundered.

Seriously, though, the thought of the USA being invaded is the biggest joke in the fucking galaxy. We are so twisted and violent, it wouldn’t last ten fucking seconds. Hell, there wasn’t a slant on this continent that wasn’t in chains before the last bomb in Pearl Harbor hit, and fuck, I would kill my own fucking sister-in-law (Chinese) just to be fucking sure.

Fuck you, rest of the world! We’re fucking Americans and we can arm the general populace with a snap of a fucking finger. We have guns and know how to use them, and we like killing foreigners. We’ll start nailing (err…thumbtacking) dead Chinese dicks to the walls of rice factories just for fucking fun! Hell, we’ll fuckin’ kill ya just to keep you from eating our fucking dog.

The ghosts of Mao and Swayze live on!

Whew, sorry, blacked out there for a sec…what did He miss?

This is exactly the flag that Chinese Betsy Ross would have designed had she not accidentally drowned immediately after birth.

Give the Communists currently in charge of the Federal government a couple more years and the Chinese won’t have to invade. They’ll be welcomed as liberators.

Chinese general say, “All your base are belong to us!”

At least we’ll finally be able to take care of those overcrowded animal shelters.

This is horseshit. The Chinese completely lack a sufficient blue water navy with the capability of mounting a trans oceanic land invasion with force numbers adequate to capture and hold any significant amount of territory and erect defenses capable of staving off the epic awesomeness of the USAF and uber-tech brute fuck offness of the US Army.

Lame.

If China really wanted to destroy the US they would just stop loaning us money and cash out all those bonds and T-bills.

They would never be so bold. Everybody knows General Chang’s chicken.

Yeah, but for every animal shelter that closes down, an orphanage will open up.

Soldiers of fortune cookies?

If this is going down they need to stop selling us tainted dog food. Makes no sense to poison your food supply before invading.

hehe
…tainted…
heeee

Crap-if you had went with “General Tsao’s chicken”, it might have been epic.

IT’S BURRITO TIME HOMIES!!!

That wouldn’t have worked as General Tsao IS bold. 5 stars.

In Chinese-Run America, Amendment #26 is beef with cashews and two egg rolls.

The Chinese completely lack a sufficient blue water navy with the capability of mounting a trans oceanic land invasion

You can buy sea-size batteries at the corner store.

The Chinese Army is fed brown rice only: they’re Low GI Joes.

Spaz-woooooooooow…I bet Panda is one of the few others that won’t have to Google that.

Dietary jokes are always risky…

But that’s how I roll.

In the Chinese States of America the joke goes “How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky, is it Beijing or Peking? Neither, you idiot; there’s no such thing as Kentucky!”

Nobody puts baby in a corner. Unless they’re paying him below minimum wage.

After years of simmering tensions China invaded Mongolia, once and for all ending their Mongolian Beef.

In China, dog food does not mean what you think it means.

The Chinese Army is quick to retreat. They’re yellow, you see.

It’s not that the Chinese hate the muppets, it’s just that they don’t get why Fozzy Bear talks about pans after every joke.

The Chinese army uses cover well when in combat, they often peek n duck.

A Chinese soldier will shoot* first, ask questions later.

*photos

In Chinese-run America, New York’s nickname changes from “The City that Never Sleeps” to “The City of All Night Wong”.

Crap, they don’t need a Blue water Navy. They’ve already got a solid foothold in Hongcouver. Fuckin West Coast Canada.

YOU HEAR THAT AL??!!!

Yeah, where the hell is Al and all her zipper head hate?

Chinese military juries are never hung.

The Chinese Army is harmless. Too many Chinks in their armor you see….

I’m outta food puns…

What’s the most common dog’s name in China? We’regonnaeatyourass.

The invasion stalled when half of the army deserted after the Santa Fe railroad offered $5 a day for jobs building a new railroad.

Mike Modono is Chinese?

FUUUUUCK MIIKE!!!!

The upside to this remake? People outside of Westerns might start saying ‘Chinaman’ again.

Captain Jack, “I didn’t say it was chilly today, I said it’s nippy outside!”

Half an hour after enlisting in the Chinese Army, you want to enlist again.

True story: I was just driving behind a car with a sticker that said “Beware! I Drive Like A Cullen”.

Untrue story: I pulled alongside it and yelled “Beware! I’ll Drive A Stake Through Your Fucking Chest!”.

Don’t you hate it when you think off good things to say waaaay too late?

I think that driving like a Cullen means you are always trying to get rear ended.