10.12.09 ROLAND EMMERICH DOES SHAKESPEARE
Surprisingly, this headline does not refer to a clever mashup video. Instead, Roland Emmerich, the director behind 2012, Independence Day, 10,000 BC, and The Day After Tomorrow, actually says he’s going to make a film about Shakespeare. I expect shaking, and spears.
EMMERICH: [Called "Anonymous"] It’s about how it came to be that William Shakespeare was not the author of his plays. It’s not [Christopher] Marlowe, it’s [Edward] de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford. It’s kind of like a political thriller. It’s about who will succeed Elizabeth and the cause of that thriller, the Essex Rebellion, we take on, and we learn how the plays were written by somebody else. [Collider]
So basically, it’s only about Shakespeare insomuch as National Treasure was about Abraham Lincoln. Which is good. First, because people only care about Shakespeare when they’re trying to sound smart, and second because I’m not sure I could live in a world where Roland Emmerich directed human dramas. In fact, while I was writing this post, I accidentally typed “Sharkespeare”. That sounds way more like a Roland Emmerich movie. OH MY GOD IT ATE THE GRAND CANYON!
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There are 24 comments about:
ROLAND EMMERICH DOES SHAKESPEARE
people only care about Shakespeare when they’re trying to sound smart
The blogger doth protest to much, methinks.
people only care about Shakespeare when they’re trying to sound smart
Is this a bottle of hand lotion before me, the pump toward my hand?
Alternately, people only care about Sharkspeare when they are trying to light fart.
When I try to sound smart I talk about robot fucking and Mythbusters.
I don’t give a Puck.
Nevertheless, when I try to sound smart I start all my sentences with nevertheless and end them with fuck. Fuck.
Seriously, if this was any more boring or pretentious, it would be network television.
Don’t worry, their next film will be about the Black Plague. Expect scenes of the protagonist running away from the plague and jumping into a river as the plague passes overhead.
Stupidity, thy name is Roland.
Hath not a Jew unlimited financing for terrible movie ideas?
When i want to sound smart i just shut the fuck up. Or throw in a little Latin. Ne plus ultra motherfuckers.
Friends, Rolands, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come not to praise this abominable pile of shit, but to bury it. The evil movies do lives on in their Tomatometers, the good is oft interred with their box office receipts.
I’d rather sound fart.
The closest I get to Shakespeare is making girls drink poison.
I don’t speak in old english. I just chug it.
The closest I get to Shakespeare is when I ask my roommate about his deodorant…
“Is it Brut?”
Cognitive dissonance thy name is Roland Emmerich.
My favorite Sharkspeare play is The Tasting of the Shrew.
When asked about doing Shakespeare, Emmerich responded “I fuck lots of dead guys, you’re going to have to be more specific.”
Hey, did you guys hear that Dan Rosen, Brian Crantzen, Johnny Guild and David Stern died in a car wreck?
Jack!-you have every right to pat yourself on the back for that one, He won’t even deny it.
A million directors sniffing a million farts will eventually recreate the works of Shakespeare?
Fek, I wasn’t patting myself on the back. It was the only remotely Shakespearian-themed thing I could contribute.
Finally, a market for the Action Oxford! Now in both action figure, Dildo, and…
and…
uh…
A BIGGER DILDO!
Now if we could only get a market for that Catherine the Great talking sex doll.
(google it. she boned horses.)
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