(“Yarrr, whar be the buffet?”)

Disney is going full-speed ahead with Pirates of the Caribbean 4, now matter how much everyone agrees that the last one will be nearly impossible to outsuck.  But not to fear, they have a plot in mind that should maintain their spotless reputation for sucking.

When D23 and Johnny Depp announced that the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment would follow up its colon with On Stranger Tides, it didn’t take the Internet long to point out that there was already a pirate story carrying that title. It seemed an unlikely coincidence since Tim Powers’ book also starred a pirate named Jack, and centered on a quest for the Fountain of Youth. Powers confirmed to Hero Complex that Disney did indeed option his 1987 novel three years ago, and that he’s been eagerly sitting on the news for all that time. As the author is quick to point out, his Jack “Shandy” Chandagnac and Jack Sparrow have little in common, and he’s unsure as to how Disney will adapt his book to the Pirates of the Caribbean mold. “I’ve watched all the movies several times, of course, and I think the clear thing they would use is the trip to the Fountain of Youth.” [Cinematical]

Think back to the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland: it had a bunch of big, hairy drunk dudes chasing whores and torturing a guy in a cage.  It was kind of scary and awesome.  But now modern Disney can finally complete their de-coolification of the pirate phenomenon by having the big hairy drunks drink from a fountain that turns them into Zac Efron.  By the time I take my kids to Disneyland, the theme of the rides will just be two ponies spooning.