10.06.09 ‘KARATE DOG’ EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT
Today’s forgotten classic is 2004’s Karate Dog, and it may be the best thing I’ve ever posted. It’s a REAL FILM. Called KARATE DOG. And don’t worry about it departing too much from the Karate Kid mythology, because it also has Pat Morita, there to lend it credibility. Pat Morita, Chevy Chase as the dog, and literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a movie:
- Dog in a fake mustache and glasses
- Dog driving a red convertible
- Dog listening to rock n’ roll in red convertible
- Dog feeding Simon Rex lines during his date with Jaime Pressly via radio (because the dog is cool, and knows all about what chicks like to hear, you see)
- REER!
- Doggy lounge band
- Doggy conga line
- Dogs playing poker
- Black dog scamming on some white bitches in a hot tub
- Dog scratching his OWN RECORDS
With all this and more packed into just two minutes of trailer, you might realistically wonder whether they ever actually show a dog doing karate. DO THEY EVER. And might I add, JON VOIGHT. This movie makes my leg involuntarily kick the ground in pleasure. The tragedy here is that this is probably the first and last time I’ll ever need a “Simon Rex” tag.
[Thanks to Patrick for the tip]
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‘KARATE DOG’ EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT
They play this movie at intermission time in Chinese theaters with the song “Ret’s all go to da robby”.
Show me, Sit!
Show me, Stay!
Show me, Roll Over!
Show me, Scoot Butt Across Carpet!
Karate here!
*points to dog’s head*
Karate here!
*points to dog’s heart*
Karate never here!
*rubs dog’s nose in poop on carpet*
Sweep the hind leg!
Karate Dog gets in trouble for chewing up Elisabeth Shue.
What the…?
[Freebases hand sanitizer]
Oh, I get it! HAHAHAA!!
Dog feeding Simon Rex lines during his date with Jaime Pressly via radio (because the dog is cool, and knows all about what chicks like to hear, you see)
Cyrano de Bergerac did have quite the nose…
When Karate Dog gets on the scene, the villans all flea.
In the sequel he’ll be an MMA fighter and master of Brazilian ju shih tzu.
Karate Dog is unstopable when he unleashes his furry.
I thought you said the Hong Kong Phooey film was still in development?
Nothing enrages Karate Dog more than getting kicked in the nueticals.
Karate Dog spends his days kicking ass and his nights chasing tail.
Karate Dog hates when people trash talk him. He really needs to watch his diss-temper.
Karate Dog’s hero was Bruce Flea.
Why do I feel like Karate Dog loves Huey Lewis and the News?
There is no REER! in this dojo!
San Francisco’s
China Towntransgendered call girls hold a HAIRY secretYeah. A delicious, buttery secret.
Karate Dog was the Four Fingered Exploding Hartz Red Rocket by master Shar Pei.
Uproxx(xxxx!!!) ate my ‘taught’!
‘Karate Dog’ Has everything I could want, Eh? spreads Creamy Jif on genitals We’ll see. Weeeee’ll see.
What’s wrong with these people? They had me sown up and then they throw in that fake-ass wire fu crap and make it completely unbelievable.
The Donkey Hodey Short, Short Version of Karate Dog.
Karate Dog: I’m gonna pound you until you roll over and beg for mercy.
Donk: Here, want a Hershey’s bar?
Fin
See it’s funny because he throws everything at him, even the kitchen sink.
Let’s play a game. Everyone go to imdb.com and see if this is in fact the low point of Jon Voight’s career.
Alternate title- From the same idiots who brought you Meet the Spartans: “Dog Movie”
Spoiler: Karate Dog dies when Mr. Miyagi leaves him in the car on a hot day :(
Oh man it even has a highlander ending.
karate dog 2: the legend of tai chi huahua
Karate Dog is more than proficient in the exquisite art of Doggy Style.
Karate Dog is angry because his girlfriend died of bulimia after only two days.
Binge, purge, binge on purge, repeat.
This is why Angelina Jolie never speaks to Jon Voight.
That was WAY longer than 2:23. Had to be. And I only got halfway through.
Jon Voight was also in Anaconda or some other such bullshit not-normally-terrifying-but-for-the-sake-of-this-movie-freakishly-large-and-presumably-evil-beast flick(I distictly remember him being swallowed and subsequently puked up whole – and winking – by something slithery) so it’s not like he has a career left or anything.
Karate Dog Competition match opening rules:
Bow to the referee
Bow to your opponent
Bow wow.
Simon Rex was better off doing gay porn.
Karate Dog – Lickin’ Balls and Kickin’ Butts.
Simon Rex will forever be overshadowed by his older brother Tyrannosaurus.
Sadly production of Karate Dog II came to an abrupt end due to the death of it’s star by a deadly combination of heartworm and parvo.
Coincidentally, “Super Lick” is also my secret weapon.
I can’t wait until the intimate sex scene with the dog and a little girl’s stuffed teddy bear
What I find most disturbing is that the director of this movie is BOB CLARK, director of PORKY’S and A CHRISTMAS STORY. Unfortunately, there will be no sequel (Karate Dog 2: Sayonara, Bitches!). BOB CLARK died over two years ago in a car wreck; I assume he was hit by a milk truck.
The bottom right picture goes to show rottwielers get all the tail.
The bottom right picture goes to show rottwielers get all the tail.
Ironic, no?
Simon Rex was better off doing gay porn.
Or even better – cross-dressing gay porn.
Under the name Tranny Sore-Ass Rex.
[Thanks to Patrick for the tip]
Was it red?
May I point out that at the 1:48 mark Karate Dog hangs himself.
Simon Rex was better off doing gay porn
Karate Dog was better off doing gay porn.
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