(“Commandment 1: There is one true energy drink, and it’s name is ‘Xyience.’  Commandment 2: No fat chicks.  Commandment 3…”_)

My favorite studio 20th Century Fox has announced plans to do a film about the life of Moses, in the style of 300.  Because, as it says in Leviticus 2012, “Man shalt not lie with another man; it is abomination.  Man shalt swordfight in underwear with other sweaty, shirtless man; lo, for it is awesome.  Spake the lord: OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!”

20th Century Fox has made a preemptive acquisition of a pitch to tell the story of Moses in “300″ style. The tale will start with his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharoah and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement. The Moses story will be told using the same green screen strategy as “300,” so it will feel more like that pic or “Braveheart” than “The Ten Commandments,” the 1956 Cecil B. DeMille film.

The script will be written by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, who make this their followup to a high-level deal they made to reinvent Herman Melville”s “Moby Dick,” with a graphic novel feel, for Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov.  [Variety]

Now, if you had any doubt about Hollywood’s descent into unintentional self-parody, keep in mind that when I first reported their graphic-novelized version of Moby Dick back in September 2008, I wrote:

I can’t wait to see their update of the bible, Jesus: F-ck Yeah.  It’s not your grandpa’s bible, faggot.

You see, because Fox is like the retarded brother in Adaption.

“Whoa, that’s pretty good, can I use that?”
“See, Donald, I was kidding.”
“Oh okay, sorry.  You got me!  Hehe.  …You mind if I use it though?”

Anyway, get Christina Hendricks to play the Burning Bush and I’m there.