FALCON NEVER FLEW, WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA
10.15.09
(I would say it’s weird that the kid even turned out to be Asian, but since he never actually flew I guess the comparison’s invalid.)
I was worried I’d look like an a-hole for saying the whole balloon boy story was starting to look like a publicity stunt earlier today if it turned out he’d fallen to his bloody death. Luckily, he was found alive and this whole story was kind of a waste of time.
The 6-year-old Colorado boy who is believed to have set adrift a helium balloon Thursday, prompting ground and air searches, has been found alive, authorities said. The balloon landed south of Prospect Springs, Colorado, on Thursday afternoon. He was found in a box in the attic at his family’s Fort Collins home, according to authorities. [CNN]
That’s funny, a box in the attic is where I keep my six-year-olds. Anyway, it only took about an hour for the world to realize this family are weird attention whores, so while this is all the news we’ve got for now, breathe easy in the knowledge that a child is safe, and in another three or four hours, the world will have another Jon and Kate. Falcon goes to rehab by 16, bet on it.

I just hope he develops a mean right cross by the time he’s sixteen. I’m really looking forward to that Falcon Punch.
Whackety schmackety doo!
I’m sure you don’t mind millions of your tax dollars being spent on a massive search because of this stellar example of good parenting and child prodigy.
Or he at least sneaks vodka into school dances.
I guess Michael Jackson Jesus didn’t need a 6 yr old boy today after all.
When reached for comment, Bubble Boy said “Poser.”
Baby Jessica is not impressed.
Luckily, we can still call him Balloon Boy because his uncle puts it in his balloon knot.
I seen his Mom in a show called Wife Cum Swap.
Hiding in a box in the attic = lame
Hiding in a box that’s floating through the sky = awesome
If I was his father, I’d punish him by making him listen to Nickelback for a month.
Doesn’t this little peckerwood realize that America won’t be satisfied until we have been paid in blood?
Donk, I’m already at all the school dances.
I bet his daddy wishes he gave mommy one of these about 6 1/2 years ago.
sry for the dickstep donk. :(
He puts the con in falcon.
If Falcon really wanted to impress me, he would have done this 9 years ago* and yelled, “Punch it, Chewie!” as the balloon took off.
(*yes, I know. Shut up.)
This reminds me of James Cole from 12 monkeys.
During a subsequent CNN interview with the family, Falcon was asked by his father Richard why he did not come out of the attic despite his parents repeatedly calling his name.
Falcon appears to answer: “You guys said that … we did this for the show”.
This kid Falcon rocks!
EDIT: This kid Falcon RAWKS!
F THAT KID, I HOPE HE DIES. I HOPE HE DIES AND GOES TO HELL.
That video had like nothing to do with anything.
If Falcon really wanted to impress me, he would have done this 9 years ago and yelled, “Punch it, Chewie!” as the balloon took off.
See, because, 9 years ago would make it the year 2000, which was also referred to as the turn of the MILENN(* thermal detonator explosion*)
Pfft. My dad is a bear tamer and he works with the circus. You know what I do to gain attention? Steal the bear’s motorcycle while hiding in a box. Fuck you, Falcon.
Timmy O´tool thinks he´s a copycat.