EEN SOVIET RUSSIA, CAR PORNS YOU
10.19.09This is the first full-length trailer for Black Lightning, which has way less black people in it than Black Dynamite. Produced by Wanted‘s Timur Blackmambatov and directed by Alexandr Voitinsky and Dmitriy Kiselev, it looks pretty good for a reported $8 million budget. The trailer is in Russian without subtitles, but from the looks of it, the plot’s pretty close to Transformers. The main guy, we’ll call him Shia LaBovnik, sees a hot girl. Naturally, he wants to impress her by having an awesome car, but his dad buys him old sh-tbox instead, probably because he’s poor. Luckily, the sh-tbox turns out to be magic, and when the fight between good and evil comes to Earth, the hottie will be glad she chose the doofus with the magic sh-tbox and not the first greasy stud to roll down her block in an IROC like my mom did. Then there’s a lot of flying and magic and yelling and explosions. And as the trailer ended, Michael Bay stood up to give an impassioned speech about how if he can change, and you can change, we all can change, and then he pulled up Megan Fox’s skirt to flash everybody and everyone cheered.
[via /Film, LatinoReview]
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Black Lightning never strikes the same liquor store twice.
Black Lightning: Yo, where all the white nimbus at?
The hottie could relate to him as she had a shitbox as well.
(she wipes back to front)
I thought Black Lightning was a well-meaning but misguided attempt at Justice League diversity.
It’s a myth that Black Lightning rods are bigger.
Patty, do you get His Tom De Falco jokes when He makes them?
Did they really steal this premise from Harry Potter?
Black Lightning strikes from the ground up because it doesn’t like to go down.
Black Lightning is the only thing that can generate the Jigga-Watts that Doc Brown was talking about in ‘Back to The Future’.
Black lightning is what happens the morning after I drink malt liquor.
Storm chasers always go after black lightning first, even if regular lightning is acting more dangerous.
Fek, I just had to Google that name. In other words, no.
Black Lighten-ing is what happened to Michael Jackson
All black lightning bolts look the same.
*Sits down in corner*
Black lightning is a nod and wink to that burning corpse that shows up every other weekend. Much less lucrative than Jewish lightning.
I was cruising down the street when some crips started talking some shit, so I got up out my car and we settle it like men, with 20-sided dice:
BLACK LIGHTNING BOLT! BLACK LIGHTNING BOLT! BLACK LIGHTNING BOLT!
Greased lightning is just black lightning with a Jheri curl.
I always thought that black lightning was the stuff that went cloud-to-cloud.
Sheet.
Never stand under a tree during a black lightning storm: black lightning can climb trees like a motherfucker.
There’s a rare type of black lightning that appears as a sphere of energy that can travel in random and unpredictable ways.
It’s called Afro Lightning.
Swimming in the ocean during a black lightning storm, on the other hand, is perfectly safe.
Black lightening is required when I dance nude in front of my velvet Elvis portraits.
The magic aspect of Harry Potter, the superhero origins of Spider-man, the CGI of Transformers. I haven’t seen this many bad films mashed up since Epic Movie.
You see, black lightning dances like this…
*performs hegh’bat*
*Tom De Falco wipes blood on sleeve*
I don’t know what “ning” is, but I don’t think it’ll look as cool as my Zepplin posters.
The hegh’bat is the Klingon ritual suicide. Tradition dictates that a close friend, or eldest son must assist. That person’s role is to hand the dying Klingon a knife so that he can plunge it into his heart. The helper then removes it and then wipes the blood off on their sleeve.
Is that a euphemism for having sex with a first-timer?
*Kanye grabs Klingon’s knife*
I’m gonna let you finish but didn’t you see me do this better in the last thread?
*gives knife back, shuffles off*
This movie wanted to be called Supervolt. Black Lightning was Aquaman’s idea.
The swimming pool is the safest place to be when black lightning strikes.
Fuck, sorry Spaz.
Lightning is damaging to all electronics, but black lightning is especially good at disabling car alarms and security cameras.
Black lightning strikes the Moneytree every Thursday when it gets it’s check.
Colleges have taken to photoshopping black lightning into their meteorology program brochures to showcase their diversity.
Black Lightning was to blame for the Watts fires.
Black lightning, if harnessed, is a tremendous source of black power.
Black lightning stole Ben Franklin’s kite.
‘sokay, Burnsy.
Black lightning has a massive charge build-up and is praying for release.
Unlike black lightning, I gotta go to work now.
The safest place to be during a black lightning storm is at your local child support services office.
New Up!
You guys are incorrigible. Are Burt Reynolds’ 70′s sideburns gonna be in this?
What’s the difference between DC superheroes Batman and Black Lightning?
Batman can go out at night without Robbin.
I’m going to submit a revision, just for the hell of it (and still fuck it up):
Black lightning occurs when a positive charge has no chance of release.