10.19.09 COMMENTS OF THE WEEK

(An artist’s conception of internet comments sections, via marriedtothesea)

Hello and welcome to another installment of Stuff I Thought Was Funny Last Week.  Each week I tell myself I’m going to edit this post down to only the funniest few comments to make it concise and newbie-friendly, but it never gets very short.  What can I say, y’alls is funny.  Anyway, let’s start with an auto-erotic asphyxiation joke, because that seems fitting.

(from Bret Easton Ellis and Gus Van Sant’s suicide movie) ChinoMoreno says: I once tried to commit suicide by hanging myself. It didn’t work. I didn’t die, I just came really hard.

Moving on…

(from Jon Favreau not directing The Avengers and a Ted Nugent reference) Chareth Cutestory says:
By day, Ted Nugent’s just an everyday crossbow enthusiast prone to eating dear hearts. By night? A drunk version of what I just wrote.

Then there was a nice riff on what a fight between Wes Anderson and his Director of Photographer would be like:

(from The World’s Fanciest Feud)
Jirish says: They saw each other at the premier and had an interpretive dance battle.  “You’ve just been served, by a below average butler” *raises pinky*

RoboPanda says: Wes Anderson’s youtube name is ~TweeWes Sweater Vests 4eva RIP Elliott Smith~.

Chareth Cutestory says: 
Their slap fights are in slow motion and set to the latest from the Fleet Foxes.

Donkey Hodey says: They then had a “yo momma’s so corpulent” battle.
  Wes won it with “Yo momma’s so corpulent, her blood type is raspberry au jus.”

Chareth Cutestory
 says: There’s only one way to settle this. Dirigible race.

Later, the Sense and Sensibility and Mexicans post spawned a Spanish movie pun battle.  That was fun.

ATidyLittleSum says: John Cusack plays an Aryan Hitman going back to his high school reunion. Grosse Pointe Blanco

Jacktion! says: A goat-eating monster gets locked in a Taco bell overnight. Chalupacabra

DeFrank says: The Constant Gardener

ATidyLittleSum says:  A film about how good it is to be John Malkovich.  Bien John Malkovich

ATidyLittleSum says: Sly Stallone and Kurt Russell play two cops on two different sides of the tracks.  Tengo and Cash

ATidyLittleSum says: A Spike Lee Joint about a black woman obsessed with cats.  She’s Gato Have It.

Donkey Hodey says: Hey, it’s better than my story about a guy who has to steal a ton of donkeys in one night in order to save his little brother from a ruthless crime lord. Gonzalez in Sixty Seconds, Rated arrriba!

Donkey Hodey says: A Mexican teenager professes his love for a girl with the help of a boombox playing Menudo. Ese Anything, in theaters April 2011.

Donkey Hodey says: A Mexican is accused of raping a white woman. A young and well-respected lawyer agrees to defend him, despite the fact that the whole town has already rendered their verdict.  Tequila Mockingbird

Then the “Bromantic Comedy” spawned a bro-related mini meme.

(from Bromance is like, a thing now)
DeFrank says:
So now I’m rollin’ down Brodeo with a shotgun,
these people ain’t seen a,
long sleeve shirt
since their grandparents bought ‘em one.

(from Kid Re-enacting Up in a Helium Ship)
Donkey Hodey says:
 Bro the humanity!

Some day, you’ll all remember where you were when Burnsy invented fictional Channing Tatum:

(from Channing Tatum is the wiggeriest surfer)
Burnsy says: “Hey girl, you like, wanna f-ck?”

Burnsy says: “Hey girl, um, I want to grab your titties or something.”

Burnsy says: “Hey girl, like, I’ll get the car door for you, because you’ve got my jizz all over your hand.”

Burnsy says: “Hey girl, if your brother’s going to keep, like, asking me to play his Wii, I’m gonna knock him the f-ck out.”

Awesome.  Fictional Channing Tatum is like the dumb townie version of fictional Ryan Gosling. And finally, for the winner, I went with a comment that may not have been the funniest, but was probably the most accurate.

(from A Man in the Depths of an Ether Binge)
ATidyLittleSum says: This is like a redneck version of a Jamiroquai video.

Here’s the Jamiroquai video.  See?  Accurate.