Roland Emmerich’s epic disaster porn comedy 2012 has a new trailer, and GRR, CALIFORNIA’S STILL GOING DOWN! And so is the Jesus statue in Brazil, and the Himalayas, and Mecca, and anything else I can remember from geography! Save us, John Cusack, by bellowing like a constipated moose! Anyway, it’s basically the same footage we saw in the five minute clip they released the other day, so I’m not really sure what the point of this was. Then again, I’m not really sure how a plane can take off only to fly underneath a subway car either. Planes usually go up, don’t they? Chaos reigns! Down is the new up! The Mayans decreed it!
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Which disaster movie had the best rough sex with our planet?
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If down is the new up, then I’m pretty sure John Cusack has severely fucked down his career.
When reached for comment, an ancient Mayan said, “Is this guy fucking serious?”
Cusack- “Do I look scared?”
Cusack’s kid- “No, but by the way your asshole is eating that seat cusion, I’d say it is fucking terrified.”
So what if the Mayans say 2012 is the apocalypse? The Chinese Calendar says 2012 is the year of the Dragon. Does that mean R&B singer Cisco is gonna mount a comeback while there is some giant D&D riot at a screening of a Bruce Lee marathon?
Roland Emmerich’s bomb shelter was built out of plutonium warheads.
Upon further review, I suppose I should have watched that clip to see if the quote I was referencing was even in the motherfucker. Meh.
The last time John Cusack made that face, producers told him he’d have to kiss Mini Driver.
Coincidentally, late night in West Hollywood it’ll cost you $20.12 for a “Cusack Limo Ride” which also happens to involve a constipated moose and disaster.
Sadly, Argentina will go down on you ess hey and pay $10.000.000.
Right now, I’d go down on just about anyone for a McGriddle.
What would you do for a Big Breakfast?
The best part about disaster movies is that every single character (other than the leads) will do the most retarded things imaginable, things that Autistic kids won’t even do.