Alternate headline: FURTHER PROOF LIFE NOT FAIR
Lost in the retarded publicity stunt that was putting Marge Simpson on the cover of this month’s Playboy (honestly, to anyone who buys Playboy for the promise of seeing a naked Marge Simpson… let’s never hang out) was the alternate cover featuring Victoria’s Secret model Alina Puscau. Who’s Alina Puscau, you ask? Why, she’s Brett Ratner’s girlfriend, and he shot the cover and her pictorial. That’s right, when he’s not breathlessly tweeting from a Jonas Bros concert, butchering the English language, or directing terrible movies, Brett Ratner sleeps with a Victoria’s Secret model. Allegedly. Normally I’m highly in favor of looking at pictures of naked women, but imagining this girl’s body with the Rat Man’s nacho cheese-stained paws all over it is a total boner killer. I wonder if they paint each other’s nails and talk about Miley records. (I guaran-goddamn-tee you Brett Ratner refers to all celebrities by first name only, just dying for someone to ask who he means.)
Reached for comment, Brett Ratner just sent me this:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/Ricky-Martin-Glaad-awards-Ratner-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Oscars-Snow-White-1989-rob-lowe-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/renny_harlin_Ratner-Crotchfondlebomb-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/11/Ratner-Crotchfondle-GIJOe-150x150.jpg)
that dog is missing its party hat
This can’t be true. I don’t see a plate of nachos with a hole burrowed into it anywhere in that banner pic.
HE LOVES FUCKING NACHOS!
I was expecting a picture of a hand. Or a fleshlight.
Eh, it’s fine, she’s got the clap anyways.
Alina: This is nacho pussy. *points to crotch*
Patty-He was expecting a picture of a Roman Polanski Livedoll.
On a serious note, if you guys ever want to see some messed up stuff, check out Simpsons porn online some time. Invariably Homer gets drunk and wanders in to little Lisa’s room, Marge gives Bart his rite of passage, and OJ stabs Nicole to death with his dick.
Alina said life´s not fair, I could be fucking Uwe Boll.
I fucked Brett Ratner and all I got was this nacho stained shirt.
Take that shirt genius!
I bet she’s a terrible conversationalist.
This is like Bill Paxton ending up with Kelly Lebrock at the end of Weird Science.
I just love the way he yells “POW!” at his Corn Nuts before he eats them.
Ratner’s gone from low-hanging fruit to sour grapes.
I wonder if he’s ever made her wash his Camaro.
Victoria’s Secret?
It has a dick.
These two might have one brain between them, depending on where the dog is sleeping that night.
So Playboy does shoots of Trannies now? How progressive of them….
*vomits, cancels subscription*
One day Brett will finally realize that girls can’t tuck it forward.
Turns out she’s a 72 year old male french prostitute.
This is really a step up from the ZooBooks chicks he was dating.
“Mom? I’d like you to meet Alina Puscau. She’s my girlfriend.”
Did she bring nachos with her?
“Well, no mom. But she is a Victoria’s Secret model.”
A bag of corn chips maybe?
“Mom, you’re not listening. I brought my hot model girlfriend over to meet you. Things might get serious between us.”
The dust from the bottom of a Cheetohs bag?
“Mom!”
I have no son!
Alina: “Brett, I want to make love until the sun comes up.”
Brett: “OK honey, go wait in the racecar while I finish Call of Duty.”
Women are strange. Sometimes not in a good way.
Roman Polanski’s girlfriend is going to be featured in this month’s Highlights.
Possible explaination on why Alina is with Ratner: beer-goggle contact lenses.
When asked what her favorite food was Alina simply replied, “chubb steak covered in cheese.”
Lady boy. That is all.