09.29.09 WOODY ALLEN SIGNS FREE POLANSKI PETITION

I notice that Dakota Fanning, Miley Cyrus, and Emma Watson’s signatures aren’t on that petition…

I gotta’ start making films.

Roman Polanski is a French citizen, a renown and international artist…

Hitler was an artist too.

Now that Franco-American has signed the petition, the world waits with bated breath wondering what Mr. Boyardee will do.

If only in the name of this friendship between our two countries, we demand the immediate release of Roman Polanski.

We the International Film Alliance also demand that IHOP cease and desist the use of the the descriptor ‘International’ in their title.

I signed something that said “Free Polanski”, but that’s just because I thought I was getting an action figure with hands molded to fit around a child’s wrists* and realistic rapey-action.

*drugged up 13-year old action figure not included

Stoney, IHOP has crepes and shit, they get to keep International.

Mmmmm bacon….

To honor Polanski’s legendary artistry, the group has announced that the next three film festivals will feature bottomless popcorn boxes.

Tilda Swinton’s support would mean the world to me.

The arrest of Roman Polanski in a neutral country, where he assumed he could travel without hindrance, undermines this tradition: it opens the way for actions of which no-one can know the effects.

Roland Emmerich is already working on a script. Working title: Twenty/Twelve: The End of The World

The French have hired Acorn to help with the petition. Jonathan Brandis, Patrick Swayze, John Wayne, and River Phoenix have already added their signatures.

John Phillips was going to sign the petition but changed his mind when he learned that Polanski wasn’t even related to the girl. That is just wrong!!

Tomorrow’s headline: “Uwe Boll goes rape crazy at daycare.”

Michael Jackson would not have signed this petition. He thinks Roman Polanski is a disgusting and despicable human being. I mean, raping girls?

In all seriousness, the most bothersome part of this whole petition is that now I can’t go see ‘The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus’ because Terry Gilliam signed this thing.

Tilda Swinton has to drug 13 year old girls to get some action, too. Man, that dude is ugly.

Phil Spector was going to sign it until he found out he raped her with his penis.

I’m not boycotting. Not with Scorsese, Darren Aronofsky, Terry Gilliam, and Michael Mann all on there.

He could have spent the last 33 years making films that magically cure cancer and AIDS and cause spontaneous orgasms, it would not change the fact that he drugged and stuck his dick in a child. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Victor Salva couldn’t find his pen.

Filmmakers in France, in Europe, in the United States and around the world are dismayed by this decision. It seems inadmissible to them that an international cultural event, paying homage to one of the greatest contemporary filmmakers, is used by the police to apprehend him.

But it’s okay, even hilarious, to tell a poor person that they won 800-years worth of their salary in a lottery to get them to a bust for unpaid parking tickets.

But if they’re a rich filmmaker? Oh the travesty.

Sorry, no. It’s hilarious and awesome either way.

Are they going to prosecute him in Los Angeles, because if so he should hop the next flight and get it over with. A lot has changed since 1978, nowadays he could get three 13yr olds, drug, rape, and murder them, then fashion a jaunty beret out of their vaginas and wear it to court, and the most they’d do is sentence him to “community service” signing autographs outside the courthouse.

I think I’m going to build a fence around my house and paint “film festival” on it. That way, me and my harem of drugged up jailbait can hold monkey knife fights in peace.

Best. Idea. Ever.

…upon arrival in Zurich (Switzerland)…

Thank god they clarified that Zurich is, in fact, in Switzerland. I was confused given all that talk about the Swiss police and all.

ARE PEOPLE FUCKING STUPID?

Holy shit, it’s obviously going to be one of “those” days.

Gawdammit, do the victor salva filmdrunk google searches all have to lead to me ? I have enough trouble.

It’s sad that this is even a debate with Hollywood mudflaps. I wonder what every celeb with a stalker would do if said stalkers fled the country only to show up in France for the Cannes festival?

“I will touch your vagina because your measly US laws do not affect me here.”

Holy shit, Polanski was on Laugh In. Sock it to puss-ee?

I demand we set Charles Manson free! He puts on the best puppet shows!

Wong Kar Waï signed this? If rape is wrong, Wong doesn’t want to be right.

Eh, 30,000 people signed a “Keep Paris Hilton Out of Jail” petition. There are plenty of idiots in the world.

In unrelated news, Rob Lowe and R. Kelly both stopped by junior highs, bought a camera at Best Buy and check into a hotel. 1 horu later they were seen getting on a flight for France.

Roman: Woody, you can be my wingman anytime.

Woody and Co. were inspired by Hat McCullough to make this petition.

The thing most offensive about this petition is the tone. It’s as if a director’s attending a festival is sacred and should result in diplomatic immunity. That’s like a surfer objecting to a speeding ticket because he was on his way to the beach.