09.18.09 WKND PREVIEW: MMMMAAAATTT DAAAAAMON

A fat guy named Willie Waffle gave that quote? There’s a guy who cries himself to sleep if I’ve ever seen one.

Trust me, we can smell our own.

I knew we were brethren, Jiri.

The last time it was cloudy with a chance of meatballs, it was the early 80’s and Paul Reubens was jacking off on a bus on the way to an audition.

I think I’ll skip watching The Informant and just lay a-licky-boom-boom down this weekend.

Whoever wrote the script for Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs must have wiped his ass with everything but the dustjacket, because from what I’ve seen the film shares nothing in common with the book save the title.

On a related subject, Al Roker is pretty pissed too, and scrambling for a new title for his autobiography.

Looks like I picked the wrong weekend to stop pretending to be a dead girl’s boyfriend from another college who hasn’t heard the tragic news yet in order to get laid while my friends get kicked out of a black club.

Snow is pissed! Because you no say daddy me snow me Ill go blame!

And why, you ask, did it take so long for me to step on Płÿåü’s dick. Well, because I had to do a google search to get those gibberish lyics, instead of going for the boom boom line. See how trying too hard can jack you up kiddies?

I’m all about jacking up the kiddies.

*gets into van with Edward Scissorhands motif painted on the sides and drives off*

Really? I thought it was “show me some snow cones, somethingsomethingsomethingsomethinglater, I think we boom boom nowwwww”

The Informant! looks corny.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs is being extremely drunk at a catholic wake just as the beer goggles start to slim the Jabba’s down.

Why the fuck isn’t PETA protesting ‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ like it’s some sort of terrible horror-apocalypse film in which it rains the sweet, succulent flesh of the planet’s only innocent inhabitants?

I’m not saying I want them to or anything, but if I were some sort of bleeding-heart puss-cracker butthorn, you’d better believe that between taking money out of my trust account to overspend for my American Apparel t-shirts and insultingly apologizing to homeless black people about the racism in America that put him on the street, I’d be in front of that theater spouting off my stupid opinions to people who just want to stab me in the head through my wool-knit cap with the handle of my own protest sign.

Clowny With a Chance of Me Balls.

Think that with Lucky the Leprechaun’s voice.

Things we’re fine until it rained Lamb Curry and the whole town stunk like a Punjab cabby’s asscrack.

Donk, they’re too busy taking their gf’s to see Love Happens while wearing matching scarves to protest.

YES I REALIZE THAT I DON’T HAVE A GF TO TAKE TO THAT MOVIE.

My wife saw a preview for ‘Love Happens’ and she started doing a dismissive wanking motion. It really sucked because she had been giving a pretty fine hand job up until that point. Damn you, Jennifer Aniston.

Clowny, Clown, Clown.

Jirish, I want you to go up to a woman in a bar this weekend and ask if she wants to go see ‘Love Happens’ with you. If she says yes, I want you to kick her in the crotch as hard as you can and yell THAT WAS FOR THE HUMAN RACE!

Oh, I also don’t want you mentioning me in the police report.

Despite that hj foul, your wife sounds awesome DH.

Peet-not going to nominate that Al Roker, but He liked it.

hahahahahah. Wayyyyyy ahead of you donk!

I can’t stop watching that terrible “rap” video. It’s just so….I don’t know. It’s taken me hostage.

I’m surprised Willy Waffles is such a respected critic. I mean, a film critic that can’t make up his mind sounds pretty useless to me.