WKND PREVIEW: MMMMAAAATTT DAAAAAMON
09.18.09
(Ask Matt to do his hilarious Jackie Chan impression. On second thought, don’t.)
Opening this weekend:
The Informant!
I like Matt Damon and Steven Soderbergh and this looks pretty good, but I refuse to see it until they stop shouting the title at me. I’m not deaf, butthole.
Jennifer’s Body
Is this the one with Megan Fox in it? I hadn’t heard. …MEGAN FOX TOPLESS BUTTSEX GOOGLE UPSKIRT PICS!!
Love Happens
Love happens, sh’t happens, Jennifer Aniston happens, paint dries, death, taxes, women be shoppin’. What were we talking about again?
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Nothing against kid movies — hell, sometimes they’re good. But this one seems… uninspired. But the critics seem to like it. My favorite was this guy, who writes, “Meatballs, steaks, spaghetti, ice cream and candy are falling from the sky. You just described my version of heaven!” Ahh, fat people. Don’t ever stop being the butt of jokes.
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A fat guy named Willie Waffle gave that quote? There’s a guy who cries himself to sleep if I’ve ever seen one.
Trust me, we can smell our own.
I knew we were brethren, Jiri.
The last time it was cloudy with a chance of meatballs, it was the early 80′s and Paul Reubens was jacking off on a bus on the way to an audition.
I think I’ll skip watching The Informant and just lay a-licky-boom-boom down this weekend.
Looks like I picked the wrong weekend to stop pretending to be a dead girl’s boyfriend from another college who hasn’t heard the tragic news yet in order to get laid while my friends get kicked out of a black club.
Whoever wrote the script for Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs must have wiped his ass with everything but the dustjacket, because from what I’ve seen the film shares nothing in common with the book save the title.
On a related subject, Al Roker is pretty pissed too, and scrambling for a new title for his autobiography.
Snow is pissed! Because you no say daddy me snow me Ill go blame!
And why, you ask, did it take so long for me to step on Płÿåü’s dick. Well, because I had to do a google search to get those gibberish lyics, instead of going for the boom boom line. See how trying too hard can jack you up kiddies?
I’m all about jacking up the kiddies.
*gets into van with Edward Scissorhands motif painted on the sides and drives off*
Really? I thought it was “show me some snow cones, somethingsomethingsomethingsomethinglater, I think we boom boom nowwwww”
The Informant! looks corny.
Cloudy with a chance of meatballs is being extremely drunk at a catholic wake just as the beer goggles start to slim the Jabba’s down.
Why the fuck isn’t PETA protesting ‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ like it’s some sort of terrible horror-apocalypse film in which it rains the sweet, succulent flesh of the planet’s only innocent inhabitants?
I’m not saying I want them to or anything, but if I were some sort of bleeding-heart puss-cracker butthorn, you’d better believe that between taking money out of my trust account to overspend for my American Apparel t-shirts and insultingly apologizing to homeless black people about the racism in America that put him on the street, I’d be in front of that theater spouting off my stupid opinions to people who just want to stab me in the head through my wool-knit cap with the handle of my own protest sign.
Clowny With a Chance of Me Balls.
Think that with Lucky the Leprechaun’s voice.
Things we’re fine until it rained Lamb Curry and the whole town stunk like a Punjab cabby’s asscrack.
Donk, they’re too busy taking their gf’s to see Love Happens while wearing matching scarves to protest.
YES I REALIZE THAT I DON’T HAVE A GF TO TAKE TO THAT MOVIE.
My wife saw a preview for ‘Love Happens’ and she started doing a dismissive wanking motion. It really sucked because she had been giving a pretty fine hand job up until that point. Damn you, Jennifer Aniston.
Clowny, Clown, Clown.
Jirish, I want you to go up to a woman in a bar this weekend and ask if she wants to go see ‘Love Happens’ with you. If she says yes, I want you to kick her in the crotch as hard as you can and yell THAT WAS FOR THE HUMAN RACE!
Oh, I also don’t want you mentioning me in the police report.
Despite that hj foul, your wife sounds awesome DH.
Peet-not going to nominate that Al Roker, but He liked it.
hahahahahah. Wayyyyyy ahead of you donk!
I can’t stop watching that terrible “rap” video. It’s just so….I don’t know. It’s taken me hostage.
I’m surprised Willy Waffles is such a respected critic. I mean, a film critic that can’t make up his mind sounds pretty useless to me.
I’ll defer until the porn knock off version Pink Glove Happens staring Jennifur Anuston arrives.
The Informant! stole my exclamation point. :(
Willie Waffle has also said that the song “It’s Raining Men!” describes his version of heaven.
Willie Waffle is the pet name I gave to my last girlfriend shortly before she broke up with me.
Deep down inside, Elmer Fudd thinks it’s Willy Waffle to shoot Wabbits.
Blonde, cute, and slightly overweight?
Wally Wiffle is the name I gave my hollow plastic ball when I was stranded on a desert island.
The Willie Waffle is less painful to make if you just slam the iron shut and get it over with.
Willie Waffle and Jenifer Aniston should get together. They could sit around watching the Lifetime channel while eating cheesecake and talking about how they can’t keep a man in their lives. Misery loves company.
Willie Waffle is something you ask yourself in the bus station washroom waiting for your bi-curious brother in law.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot – Matt Damon is a F.A.G.
You only say that because his dick is in your rectum, Moose. Be fair.
What?!? I would never call someone gay for buggering another dude. Bein’ on top ain’t gay!
Maaaaan, now I got the meatball munchies…
*packs another Willy Waffle cone*
Remember it’s also not gay if you kill the tranny afterwards.
Much love Rader Nation.
Yeah, or before. The important thing is discretely dispose of the corpse when you’re finished.
I used to be a critic in the DC area and Waffle was always sitting in the same seat(s) every screening…guy always has a popcorn bucket and Good-n-Plenty in hand. Always wondered whether that was his real name, but never bothered asking. Truth be told, he’s in the next generation of Pete Hammonds and Jeff Lyons.