New out this weekend:

Whiteout
Didn’t hear anything about this one?  Yeah, that tends to happen when everyone involved wishes it could slip by unnoticed like my dad’s sperm.  Currently tracking 3% on RottenTomatoes, and one of the two positive reviews calls it “a perfectly passable thriller.”  Aw, that’s too bad.  Don’t worry, I’ll comfort you, Kate Beckinsale.  What do you mean why is my hand down your pants?  What kind of stupid question is that?

9
Not to be confused with Nine, District 9, or $9.99, this one’s the animated Shane Acker flick about post-apocalytic, uh… things, trying to save the world from, uh… another… apocalypse?  Anyway, looks cool.

Sorority Row
How about Sorority NO.  AHAHAHAHA, good one, Jay.   Anyway, it’s fortified with plenty of former reality stars and children of celebrities, if you’re into that sort of thing.  Oh, Audrina Patridge.  I’d bang the lazy out of her eyes.

I Can Do Bad All by Myself
I’ll tell you what you can do by yourself: see this movie!  Hey, and what’s the deal with women always asking if they look fat?  Thanks, folks, I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip the strippers.  Anyway, I’ll probably skip this like I have every other Tyler Perry movie.  It just feels like they’re trying to trick me into hearing a sermon or feeding the homeless.  I’ll feed the homeless, how about a knuckle sandwich?  Pow, right in the kisser.