WEEKEND PREVIEW: FATAL EXTRACTION
09.04.09
Opening this week:
Extract
Comes from Mike Judge, who says he wrote it on spec right after he finished Office Space. was supposed to catch a screening on Tuesday but then I screwed up and missed it. It’s a good thing I’m not a cancer doctor.
All About Steve
I’m sure this will be good because it was tracking 0.0% on rottentomatoes up until a few hours ago (now it’s at 5%). You can also tell it’s going to be good because it comes from Fox and THE TITLE IS ‘ALL ABOUT STEVE.’ I think they should’ve just gone with the original title, Monkey Smearing Sh’t on Its Face.
Gamer
From Crank 2 directors Neveldine and Taylor, comes a film that’s pretty much like Running Man, except the inmates are characters in a video game. This is the male equivalent of a rom-com script. Additional trivia: Milo Ventimiglia plays “Rick Rape.”
The Carriers
Chris Pine and Piper Perabo run from a virus. I don’t care enough about this movie to form more words about it.
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Rick Rape was my nickname in high school.
The joke was on them though. My name isn’t even Richard.
Rickraped is what happened if you are Rickrolled by vanners.
Shouldn’t Piper Peecaboo be skiing from a virus?
Whoa, that wasn’t even close to being right. Fuckin’ Bateman giving me the evil eye…
Rickraped is what happens when you click on a link to an exculsive trailer, which will lead to being sodomized by Rick Astley.
Piper?! Don’t hardley know h…
[a van with scenes from Birth of a Nation painted on it pulls up. Side door slides quickly open and a silverback gorilla wearing Keds and wielding a hatched runs over the Crappy and chops him to mush]
“Never gonna’ give you up” isn’t an unlikely thing to hear from a vanner.
DOR SHO GAH!!!
Some fucktard just got on the facility PA system, asked for a dude to call him, then called someone a fucking asshole before hanging up!
HARDY HAR!
Fuck, after doing that gag about 30 times now you’d think I would spell hardly correctly.
Brick rape is when you fuck a non consenting turd.
Trick rape is when a hooker turns the tables on her john.
Prick rape is when someone non-consensually penetrates your urethra.
I put the sensual in non-consensual.
Yorick rape is non-consensual skull fucking.
Crick rape is when you hurt your back in the act.
You should probably kill the bitch for that.
Mick rape is otherwise known as an Irish honeymoon.
Fuck! Don’t sneak up on me like that, Shop.
Hick rape is when you force fuck your sister. And then marry her.
McRape is why you should always have children’s birthday parties at home.
Tick rape is a good way to get a sexually transmitted lyme disease.
Clique rape is when you fuck the entire cheerleading squad.
But they were asking for it. I mean, look at how short those skirts are!
Pick rape is what I do whenever I play the game “Rape or Raped?”
Quick rape spoils the fun for both parties. (frowny tear emoticon)
Nick rape is when you forcibly remove one of the Jonas’ brother’s purity ring and make him hold hands.
Flick rape is usually perpetrated by talking ants from Pixar movies.
Vick rape is what I hope happened to Michael in prison.
+1 for a Jonas Brothers rape joke.
Great, now I’m all horny.
Oreck rape is when you stick your dick in the vacuum cleaner.
Me too. Lick rape is my fave.
Slick rape is uncomfortable for an oil covered seal.
Chick rape is why I’m not allowed near the incubator anymore.
Bic rape is so hot right now.
Spic rape is when I take advantage of Pauly.
“Ick, rape!” is what the all the popular girls in high school yelled when I asked them out.
…last week.
Hans Blix rape is conditional on him being allowed to inspect your weapon.
Wik rape is a crime committed by Wikipedophiles.
Kick rape is what I’d like to do to Paris Hilton.
Kick Rape would also be an awesome band name.
You’d get herpes on your shoes.
What’s brown, sticky, and hurts?
Stick rape.
Pyrrhic rape has no winner.
I post picture of my forced sexual encounters on flickrape.
Glick rape is why Martin Short’s career is in the shithole.
Rabbinic rape is fun for both her and jew.
Frick rape is what I dream of doing to Sarah Chalke’s character on Scrubs.
Sick rape is an oxy moron.
Spic and span rape is when Pauly cleans up afterwards.
Italic rape puts the emphasis on whatever the fuck you want.
Spazmodic rape had been successfully repressed for over twenty years … until now.
*sad tromboner*
Gnostic rape can be our little secret.
I love rape ! Woo hoo, long weekend !
Couric rape can send political careers straight into the shitter.
Dick rape is when your private investigator blackmails you after you get him to take pictures of Dakota Fanning changing clothes.
Maverick rape is how Sarah Palin wound up with a retarded baby.
Septic rape is gross.
Sceptic rape is bullshit.
Zwick rape is how Tom Cruise got to be ‘The Last Samurai’.
Maverick rape is probably what led to Iceman’s weight gain. Self esteem issues…
Wick rape is when I stick a length of string up my dickhole and light it.
Whoa, Shop, we nearly stepped on Cruise’s dick. Ick!
Dianetic rape is… hey, what the fuck ?
I’m sorry, I was wrong earlier.
Having Sarah Palin as a mother is how Sarah Palin’s baby wound up being retarded.
So it’s shitty romantic comedy, shitty action movie, shitty horror movie.. or Mike Judge and Michael Bluth? I’ll go with the latter.
FamilyPatty love Michael.Especially after she was Couric raped, right Jack!?
Right?
My Mike Judgement: just not as funny as he ought to be.
Diabetic rape is FUCKING SWEET!!
Im allergic to anaphylactic rape.
Anorexic rape is something something. . . Bitches be skinny.
Comic rape has a two drink minimum.
Stoic rape doesn’t interest me at all.
Sissy Spacek rape can be bloody. Bring extra shop towels.
Tantric rape relieves blue balls.
Beegle Beagle got grape raped.
Slick Rick Rape is your standard rape, but you’re forced to wear a eyepatch.
Schtick rape is what happens when I mention Star Trek
Triaminic rape is when the kid remembers the love.
St. Nick rape is why we bricked up the chimney. See me when I’m sleeping now, you fat bastard!
“It’s a good thing I’m not a cancer doctor.”
That’s interesting Dr. Mancini. Why then was it so imperative that you palpate my testicles?
Gwyneth Paltrow rape will give your penis a severe case of frostbite.
just like Pine & Piper
led rats through the streets
we dance like marionettes,
swaying to the symphony…
of destruction
Isn’t that the Pied Piper, Argentino? It’s Labor day in the US of A so i guess everybody’s at the beach avoiding great white sharks.
*raises right buttcheek and let’s rip.
Good ass.
Who says it’s a holiday? I’m fuckin’ werkin’, aren’t I?
Charlie, it is, but this goes to show that my previous attempts at filmdrunken humour formed a bad image for myself so now no one expects me to do a joke with something from the post.
Happy holidays!
As long as there are people here, and no CotW thread, you might as well go back over the last couple of posts and nominate all the funny things I said.
Jack I tried to do what you told me but in the last couple of posts you just said “stick to the stath impressions” which is not that funny, but I did nom you for your coke joke, so keep your fingers crossed.
argentino: if you visit the COTW thread, you might find a nice surprise!
(hint: if it looks like a paper bag on fire, you’d better stomp it out quick!!!)
please let it be a puppy in the paper bag! please santa.