09.08.09 ‘TWILIGHT FANS CAN GET HAPPILY LOST IN CORN’
Yes, that’s the actual headline of an article in the Deseret News. An article about, you guessed it, corn mazes. Utah’s second favorite pastime after butter sculpting.
The theme of Utah’s largest corn maze this year is “New Moon,” the sequel in the popular Twilight saga. Although the movie doesn’t arrive in theaters until Nov. 20, this 24-acre corn maze opens Sept. 24 and continues through Oct. 31.
Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]
The idea of a corn maze is to enter and then eventually conquer the labyrinths by finding the lone exit. Getting “lost” is part of the fun.
I’m glad they explained that, because I was wondering what the fun part of wandering around a f’cking cornfield all day was. (Usually it’s the rape, but that wasn’t mentioned). I always worry that I could be doing so much more with my life if only I didn’t spend so much of it drinking. But then I read stories about Utah and see that nope, I’d apparently be doing stupid sh’t like this. Decisions validated. I also read that in Utah, there’s no crime or pollution or hobos, and people are polite and happy, but everyone has buttons for eyes like in Coraline’s basement.
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/01/Superpoop-Twilight-Inglouri-150x150.jpg)
There are 23 comments about:
‘TWILIGHT FANS CAN GET HAPPILY LOST IN CORN’
I hate this planet.
A maize labyrinth? How corny.
The Mighty Feklahr has a similar setup out in River Junction, but the lone exit leads to a Klingon driving His Krazy Kombine.
Oh, hi dub! Still jerkin’ it to fatty porn?
In Utah, we can only slowly pull on the ears. No hardcore shucking.
Robert Pattison had to leave the maize after several yokels tried to detassel his hairstyle.
Stephanie Meyer had to leave the maize after a morbidly obese man wearing a Punisher t-shirt, jeans, and red chucks tried to detassel her bush. With a chainsaw.
I heard they have long haired shirtless ethics throughout to temp you to take the wrong path.
tempt*
I don’t even want to be picked last.
The amount of fertilizer that’s needed to keep growing corn on the same fields year after year is roughly equal to blah blah blah Twilight fans are idiots.
The crop that’s ruining our ecology is perfectly matched with the books/movies that are ruining our women.
FILMDRUNK FANS HOPELESSLY ADDICTED TO PORN
He who walks behind the rows carries a chloroform rag.
The male Twilight fans that go into this maze, no matter how good their sense of direction or how committed they are to finding a way out of the maze, always somehow end up in Edward’s mouth.
So what’s in the center of the ma(i)ze? A Virgin-otaur?
This is the closest any of those Twilight she-men have been to any type of bush.
Echoing Voice: If you build it….then you’re gay.
HGH Up Faggots!
A Twilight corn maze sounds like the perfect place to stalk young chicks.
I don’t even know how many entendres this is.
My headline: Twilight Fans Can Go Fuck Themselves.
This maze will be the future location for Vanner-Con.
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