THE HITLER OF SCREENWRITERS
09.22.09
(Sorry, I didn’t have a picture of the actual screenwriter, and I just thought… oh nevermind.)
Folks, even with all the retarded crap I have to write about every day, it’s not often that I legitimately smack myself in the face whilst researching a story. This was one of those stories. It started with the news that Walden Media is producing Gene, a script from Randi Mayem Singer about… you guessed it, a male genie. They call it “a modern take on the classic genie story.” And in this context, I guess “modern” means that this time the genie’s not Shaq. Now, if the name Randi Mayem Singer sounds familiar, it’s because she’s also responsible for:
- The Tooth Fairy, starring The Rock
- Big Momma’s House 3
But wait, it gets better! Today I learned that she’s also working on — and gird your loins, because this may be one of the dumbest f’cking things I’ve ever had to type — a sitcom for The CW with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith called… M.I.L.F. and Cookies. That’s right, “Mom I’d Like to F’ck and Cookies.” If that doesn’t say family-friendly sitcom, I don’t know what does. Description:
Pickup — “M.I.L.F. and Cookies” (working title), a single-camera half-hour about young, single moms who realize they need each other in order to raise their kids and have a social life. Randi Mayem Singer wrote the pilot and will exec produce. [Variety]
*breathing into a paper bag* Okay, okay, I promise I can make it through this post. She has just one more project I need to tell you about. It’s called (*mops brow*) Topper, and she’s writing it for (*dry heave*) Adam Shankman, director of Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier, and Bringing Down the House (*prolapse*). Here’s the description from IMDB (where it’s listed as ‘in production’):
Steve Martin attached to play Cosmo Topper, an up-tight estate liquidator who’s hired to sell off the estate of George and Mimi Kirby, a recently-deceased wealthy young socialite couple who have no intention of letting their ghostly forms stop them from partying… or from trying to show Topper what life’s all about.
Whoa, I blacked out for a second there. What happened? When I woke up I had my own poop smeared all over my face. Thank God it was my poop. Other peoples’ poop smells really bad.
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Gene wants you to rub more than his lamp…
about young, single moms who realize they need each other in order to raise their kids and have a social life
CW picked this up instead of my script about how young, single women need to take their birth control and stop rutting like alley cats if having a social life is so god damn important. My show was called, Close Your Legs You Fucking Whore.
I want to take the male genie story and make it into a sitcom. I’ll call it ‘According to Jinn’ and it will be just as awful as the title suggests.
So this movie ‘Topper’, it’s Beetlejuice with Spencer & Heidi?
I’d say kill me now, but if the afterlife is like that, there really is no good option…
Cosmo Topper is the worst stripper name I’ve ever heard.
A MALE genie? Whoever heard of such a thing?
(Except for people who have seen Aladdin, or the cartoon with Bugs and Daffy, or anything else that ever had a genie in it it except for I dream of Jeannie)
Got M.I.L.F? She’ll be spread all over your upper lip.
Pickup — “M.I.L.F. and Cookies” (working title), a single-camera half-hour about young, single moms who realize they need each other in order to raise their kids and have a social life.
It takes a village full of idiots to raise a village idiot?
Why buy the cow when you can get the M.I.L.F. for free?
She’s spreading these brilliant ideas too thin. Cosmo Topper should be liquidating those CW no-money-down estates, lively with black folks. They could really show Ol’ Cosmo what life’s all about.
I could swear I already saw Topper but it was from the 50s.
No I did not see it when it first came out.
I hear that B.E.T. is making a spin-off called Chocolate M.I.L.F.
It was 1937, Al.
YES! Another Steve Martin remake. Does that motherfucker owe the mob money?
I’d like to join in The Randi bashing but i have begrudging respect for people who get shit done. Even if said shit is, well, shit.
Are you calling her the Hitler of screenwriters because she kills good ideas or because you’ve read ‘Mein Kampf’ and remember what horrible middle-schoolish drivel is in there you wonder how that tard ever god an entire country to follow him?
*raises pinky in the air, continues flipping through history book about French & Indian War*
More like “Mein Kampy” if you ask me.
A movie about a genie? Well, my first wish is for a thousand more wishes. My second wish is to gouge out my eyes a thousand times.
“It was 1937, Al.”
I believe Al is referring tio the 1950′s TV series starring Leo G. Carrol. What, am I the only “old” person here?
Old people like to spell “to” with an “i”.
When did M.I.L.F become mulattos I can learn from ? Did I miss a memo ? Just retire the acronym already.
Sorry, goDoo, but when I see the words “F Troop” I think of Tailhook.
Is a “Cosmo Topper” a gay who is out of this world?
A Cosmo Topper is that stupid lemon-rind twirl they put on your girlfriend’s glass to make her leg loosener look prettier.
The cookies are Oreos.
I was referring to the movie – black & white just means 50s to me.
I cannot stress enough I WAS NOT WATCHING TV SHOWS IN THE 50s
To summarize: yes Tengo, you are the only old person here.
Motherfucker,
I
Love
Funyuns
This would be awesome if she added 7 a’s to the middle of her name and it was a parody of her real life.
Yeay, my movie finally got greenlit.
At this point in his career. If you mail Steve Martin something with words on it and a check for over $50, he’s on board.
Unfortunately this means he is under the impression that he will be filming a movie called “State Tax Returns” alongside his co-star “California”
I just stumbled upon your little blog, and I thought… hmmm, who would I rather be, the Hitler of screenwriters, who wrote Mrs. Doubtfire, is getting paid gobs of cash to write Big Momma’s House 3, just sold a genie pitch and has tons of other stuff she’s happily doing, or a puny bitter wannabe jealously blogging from his basement to three people on the internet. Let’s see…
Not too busy to Google yourself, though, eh, big shot? Look, it’s your job to write scripts like The Tooth Fairy and Big Momma’s House, and it’s my job to make fun of you for it. I’m okay with that. Are you?
Does she have clean feet ? Does she have a van ? Ask her in.
Holy shit, the person who wrote the line “it was a run-by fruiting”? ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. I. Have. Wanted. To. Meet. You. For. So. Long.
Wait, three people read this blog? Who are the other two?
Somebody tell this Hitler broad to get a fuckin avatar or we CANNOT FUCKING HEAR HER IN MY HEAD . . . amateurs.
In addition to writing this blog, I found this clip of a dog doing the Riverdance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYBpnoffIkY&feature=player_embedded
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!!!!
This chick’s brain is like Sarah Palin’s vagina. There’s a pretty good chance that what comes out is going to be retarded.
Randi, are you familiar with Dan Rosen’s sister?
Wanna be?
THAT. FUCKING. DOG. ROCKS!
Wow, all that my dog ever did was write Big Momma’s House 2.
Give that dog a fucking cupcake!
has tons of other stuff she’s happily doing
It’s called “blow” and don’t rub it in.
I could put mercury in the fucking water supply, and I don’t think it would destroy the collective intelligence of the country as much as this shit.
I bet she dots her “i” with a little heart.
Could I be the Eli Roth of this Hitler?
Or do we have to nuremberg her?
I’m getting a van and airbrushing a Topper mural on the side of it. I’m tellin’ ya’ . . . it’s gonna be the next big thing.
Donk, I’ve been rubbing my blow in.
How am I supposed to do it?
Vince, you told me you blog from your grandma’s basement.
I am not cool with you having your own place, young man.
This is why people with basic internet literacy all get treated like social retards in film and television.
I’m getting a fat black woman, and airbrushing a mural of The Tooth Fairy on her back.
WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU LIED TO US ABOUT?!
So, mrs doubtfire AND big mamma.
Vince give her your michel gondry crossdresser drawing so she can have the elusive trannyfecta.
Talking about writing multiple comedies in which a man dresses up like a fat woman doesn’t sound like so much a boast as it does a cry for help.
Stay strong, Randi. We are just jealous. We only get to write about ruining the careers of famous actors.
*See what I just did, Randi? I used HTML in a blog post. Can you do that, you cunt?*
Whenever things in my life get out of control, I always turn to cross-dressing for the answer.
is getting paid gobs of cash to write Big Momma’s House 3, just sold a genie pitch and has tons of other stuff she’s happily doing, or a puny bitter wannabe jealously blogging from his basement to three people on the internet. Let’s see…
You new to the internet? That BS “I rock you suck bit” is about as origional as your scripts.
Randi Mayem Singer < Mayim Bialik
Yes, because screenwriters usually are retards in real life.
If you really are Randi Mayem Singer, do me a favor.
For the love of God, start putting some tits in your fucking movies!
Too bad you turn around and spend that gobs of cash on gobs of Tollhouse.
Help me make sure I understand the internet insult guide for where in the house various forms of writing take place:
Children’s poetry: The Attic
Letters to the editor: The kitchen
Advice Columns: The bedroom
Serious work: The study/home office
Internet humor: The basement
Martin Lawrence movies: The shitter.
I have an idea for you, Randi. It’s a buddy cop comedy starring Chris Klein and Chris Tucker. A toothbrush that’s really a magic wand swaps their minds and it’s called Chris Crossed. Go make that shit, you despicable oaf.
Did I miss anything?
I had to go to the bathroom and take a big stinking Tooth Fairy.
And Randi, I’ll have you know that we jealously blog and create fake Twitter accounts for celebrities. Bitch.
Wow, we’re so lucky, you normally don’t get professional comedy screenwriters to pull out the “you blog from your mothers basement” saw for free.
Also, I always thought writing scripts for Robin Williams was like being his depillatory – you’re welcome to give it your all but eventually the man is going to take over and overwhelm you.
Anybody who can keep Martin Lawrence employed (and off my front lawn) is fine with me. Write on, sister.
Any brave souls out there willing to watch everything this writer creates to make sure she doesn’t steal any of our jokes? I also want to make sure she doesn’t deprecate our charlie horses.
Randi drives a van with a mural of a Hollywood graveyard on the side.
HAHA! Randi dropped her dignity in the can while it was flushing.
I can see why she wrote these. She misunderstood when a studio head told her that sucking is the only way to get ahead in Hollywood.
Randi, You’ve written movies starred by Martin Lawrence and Robin Williams? I’m impressed. Uwe Boll and Selzer/Freebird must be knocking on your door constantly.
Randi, do you have a Twitter account? Because if not, you’re about to.
Randi, have you ever been published in Highlights Magazine?
Didn’t think so, bitch.
*snaps three times in a circle*
You should probably try to come up with a better screen name, like “Not Randi”
Randi’s next film is going to be called Big Momma’s Basement. Harry Knowles already loves it.
If I’d known that I could make gobs of money by wiping my ass with 100 different pieces of paper and then calling it a script, Randi Mayem Singer would be out of a job by now.
Spielberg puts a movie in a garbage bag, and DreamWorks gives it a green light. Fox must have the same procedure when they receive a Randi Mayem Singer script.
Vince, if this was a plan so that you wouldn’t have to put any more posts up today… well done.
erswi, you wanted her avatar, so here it is.
http://img178.imageshack.us/i/randisinger.jpg/
Hey Vinnie, it looks like Steven Spielberg showed up in the neck fat thread to challenge you to pistols at dawn.
* nah, he didn’t really
** it was actually something about Piss Stalls. There may or may not be a glory hole involved.
Thanks to that special someone I stole this from. He knows who he is.
I don’t know if google image Canada is different from the US, but the only pictures that came up were that of a large black transexual. Curious.
I think calling her the Hitler of screenwriters was wrong.
Organizing your own political party shows some intelligence.
Randi gets her ideas by giving ice cream to retarded kids and piecing their mumbles and moans into words.
If this script’s a rockin’, don’t bother knockin’
Won’t anyone think of the children ?
Nice work Tino. I like what you did with the face but next we need to find one where we can shop a Sig Heil saluting arm onto her.
Or I’ll just bring the BTK van around and we can do it wiffout even needing photochop.
Randi’s just getting revenge on people who picked on her in film school.
Randi writes scripts by tossing old issue of Life into a woodchipper and then putting the words back together
*flips to random page of ‘Making Fun of People on The Internet For Dummies*
Your dozens of cats secretly hate you.
Wow, you show up on a list of famous Alpha Phis right below a manicurist.
That publicist you hired is really paying off!
This Winter… Randi Mayem Singer presents… Nick Cannon, Michael Rappaport, and Reginald Vel Johnson in… The White Guy Is The Blackest.
The Hitler comparison was a little harsh. Randi’s actually more reminiscent of Rudolph Hess: helps start WW2, then flies to Scotland to negotiate peace, slightly misjudges public opinion and, much to his surprise, gets locked up for the rest of his life.
I see Randi is down 30% popularity on imdb this week. If only i was on imdbpro, then i could learn why.
Charlie, if you’re on a computer in your mom’s basement, you can sign up for imdbpro for free!
She’s not so much the Hitler of screenwriters as she’s the Pol Pot. Hitler may not have trusted intellectuals, but he rarely went so far as to focus on attacking only them.
Dan Rosen is the Generalissimo Francisco Franco of screenwriters, everyone is wondering if he’s still dead.
I don’t deserve to be on imdbpro. *resumes flagellating self*
This wasn’t just an excuse to slack off after all.
New up.
If Randi is the Hitler of screenwriters, then I hope Eli Roth shoots her 60 times in the face.
Cosmo Topper sounds like a sex position created by Buzz Lightyear.
This Fall, Randi Mayem Singer brings you Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb.
Yea Jacktion, I was pretty sure that me and 8 or so of my personalities made up for a good percentage of the posts on this site. That or you can all read my thoughts… AIEEEEEE.
Also I’d like to say thanks to the screenwriter for killing my funny Steve Martin comments *cough*cunt*cough*.
Damn my job and all the lives I saved today* for making me miss out on insulting this middle of the road writer and her awful fucking scripts.
P.S. Screenwriters don’t get paid that much for the hours involved and they get no fucking respect in the business. Don’t act all high and mighty about it. Vince probably makes as much per hour in his underwear watching dog riverdancing videos. Why he always has to strip down to his skivvies to watch dog videos, don’t ask me.
*okay, not really. No doctors accidentally tried to poison anyone today.
I realized on the way home there’s at least one way Randi Mayem Singer is like Hitler: when she turned in her last script, she made a bunch of Jews headed for the shower.
God I’m so proud of that joke, it’s a fucking shame no one will ever read it.
I read it, Peet.
I don’t get it, but I read it.
BTK, did you see The Soup stole your “Al Roker biography” joke?