In Damage, Stone Cold Steve Austin plays John Brickner, an ex-con who “beats other men into submission for money” and has “size-13 fists.” Did I miss something? Do gloves have numbered sizes now? Did the writers just think a random number they pulled out of their ass sounded tougher than “extra large”? And if so, why not size-96 fists, or size-bajillion fists? ‘Size bajillion’ would’ve way better. You just know people would hear that and think, “Did he say ‘size bajillion??’ I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty darn big!”
Anyway, I’m getting pretty bored with these underground mma fight club movies. But you wanna know what’s never boring? A bear playing the trumpet. See what I mean below.
I GAWT A BEEG FAWKEN BONER RIGHT NOW, MANG. If only he could play a sad trombone, these videos would complement each other perfectly.
[Damage trailer via Fightlinker, Trumpet Bear via Deadspin]
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My fists only go up to 11, but I’ve got good ground game. I can make almost anybody Spinal Tap out.
I beat another man into submission once.
Yep, I was way ahead of him in crying for mercy.
That bear might be able to play a trumpet, but can he play a bitch like Soul Bear does?
In Damage, Stone Cold Steve Austin plays John Brickn..
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS!
It’s the size 15 anal fistula that impresses me.
Steve Boston thinks that dude is a queeah.
I’m here to make some funny comments and drinks some beer, and I’m all out of funny comments.
Can Steve Austin prevail and win back his wife/the love of his daughter/enough money to support his family?
Does a bear play the trumpet in the woods?
Steve Austin’s performance in this movie has been described as the best performance by a professional wrestler in a motion picture since Hulk Hogan’s Mr. Nanny.
My third leg wears a magnum-sized glove.
I thought only porn stars worried about fist sizes?
Man with large fists have small self-image when masturbating.
I’m looking forward to Steve Austin’s next movie. He plays William Shakespeare, fighting to get his first play published.
In Summer 2011, Steve Austin is the NO HOLDS BARD!
I can’t tell which one is a better fit for the Country Bear Jamboree. Trumpet Bear is musical but Austin has the wooden moves down pat.
Coincidentally, 13 is the stage of liver psoriasis Austin has as well!
Cirrhosis maybe Fek? How many have you had?
Ask Him how many He HASN’T had, it’s easier to remember.
Sadly,
breast and ovarian cancer are the easiest ways into an underground MAMA club.
No one ever fights at an MDMA fight club, all they do is dance and fuck.
In my underground MMAy! club, we all dress like Fonzie and eat candy covered chocolates.
Drugs, not plane crashes, will get you into the underground DJ AM club.
So I just got around to reading the new site description at the top of the page and ummmm . . . thanks Vinnie. We heart you too.
Also, I was once kicked out of an MADD club for being drunk.
True story.
Erswi, Sandy Vagina at Pajiba.com called out Film Drunk and the Film Drunkards for racist comments made about Tyler Perry yesterday (which was removed, but you can read the comment section to get the gist). Read that and you’ll see why Vince made the new description.
[www.pajiba.com]
DJ AM underground club has recently signed a new cooler.
Moose, you’ve got to be more specific. Trying to read through those comments is going to give me a brain aneurysm.
Look for the ones made by Film Drunk, I think they’re near the bottom.
And the ones made by Dustin Rowles.
Too late. I started from the top. I got to halfway before hey did that bear sneak in an “up yours” gesture?
That wasn’t why I made the new description, it was more just a general reaction to reading comments on other site over the past few years.
Vanners, negros, Gerald Posner readers, that fine specimen Gary Busey… who’s next on your dago-centric social manipulation hate crime spewing fatwah of a film site? Eh DNA?! EH?! WHO’S NEXT FUCKER?!
And really, how can a rational person get pissy about people making snarky comments based on racial stereotypes concerning a guy who makes a shit pile of money making shitty movies that are based on racial stereotypes?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go dance badly, use proper grammar, leer at minorities, and have boring little dicked sex with my wife Buffy after a spirited round of tennis.
Chuh chuh!
Crapbasket, that first comment gets you a nomination for Comment of the Week.
Mormons. Have you read The Mormon Times recently? They’re going to hell in a handcart. Well, Wisconsin. [www.mormontimes.com]
They put “brick” in his last name ’cause that’s what he makes other people shit.
I usually beat other men off into submission for money.
Everyone know Harriet Tubman started the first underground fight club.
They fought for the right for black people to make asses of themsleves at the VMAs/Source Awards.
ROTFJO!! The John is normally where I brick too! LOLZ!!
Brikner?! Don’t hardley know h…
[five black panters bust through the door and windows of Crappy's office. "This here's for T-Perry ya cracker motherfucker!!" they exclaim. Then proceed to beat him into a flesh pretzel with rolled up Jet and Ebony magazines]
That’s twice I tossed that superfluous e into hardl(e)y. Fuck it, I’ll just make up spelling as I go along. Like the Canadians.