09.15.09 PATRICK SWAYZE TO BECOME HEAVEN’S ‘COOLER’
Two obit posts in a row??!? Welcome to 2009, the year Death acted like a total butthole. Anyway, it appears earlier reports that Patrick Swayze might be recovering thanks to an experimental procedure (after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer in January ‘08) were just false hope. Swayze died yesterday in LA at the age of 57, which is pretty much the lamest thing ever. Gawdammit, the only time you’re allowed to declare Patrick Swayze a dead man is after he tells you there’s always barber college.
He was Dalton, he was Bodhi, he saved Baby from the corner, where she surely would’ve been aborted by parents who didn’t understand the dance. Has anyone else ever been in so many bad movies that everyone loves? Not to mention, he was the best part of Donnie Darko and co-starred in arguably the most memorable SNL sketch of the 90s. I don’t normally like to gush about dead people, because when an a-hole dies he doesn’t magically become not an a-hole, no matter what anyone says about him. You have to honor an a-hole’s memory by remembering him for the a-hole that he was (see: Hunter S. Thompson on the passing of Richard Nixon). But in all honesty, anyone who doesn’t have at least two or three glowy, pop-culture nostalgia memories involving Patrick Swayze is a two-bit liar and a charlatan, and I wouldn’t sit next to him if it was the last seat on an escape pod. Maybe if you doctors spent half the time you spend giving people who shouldn’t be boning anyway boners you’d have this cancer crap licked by now. So stop playing grabass back there in the lab and get going on some serious research, the kind that involves stethoscopes and bunsen burners and all that sh’t. You already lost us Dalton, but I’ve got some important contributions to humanity that I’m maybe probably going to start working on tomorrow after I cook some food and put on my pants and maybe watch a little TV. And you wouldn’t want to miss out on it over a retarded thing like cancer.
“There’s always Barber College.”
“Pain don’t hurt.”
“Yer too stupid to have a good time!”
Point Break Skydive
Don’ nobody poot bay bee een da foqueen corner, ése.
The Chippendales Sketch
Jim Cunningham comes to Darko high school, gives speech. No one doubts his commitment to Sparkle Motion.
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There are 38 comments about:
PATRICK SWAYZE TO BECOME HEAVEN’S ‘COOLER’
*pours beer our for Swazye, is violent removed from bar for doing so*
My advice to Mrs. Swayze would be to buy a pottery wheel and remain optimistic.
Crooked Sheriff: Hey, Dalton! You’re one dead son of a bitch!!
Dalton: Opinions vary.
Well now who the fuck am I going to get Kurt Russell confused with?
Why do we assume the ghosts of our relatives are hovering over everything we do, watching us live our mundane lives? Me, I’m flying straight towards Marisa Miller’s pussy. Kind of a dead sexual scientist. Yeast infection? That’s ectoplasm.
Dalton: Death don’t hurt.
Serious/
Man, is roadhouse the best worst movie ever?
@Donk – Kurt Russell’s still alive?
Go with God, Patrick. Thanks to you and Demi, I got my first hand job in a theater. I don’t know who the fuck that dude was, but his hands were magical.
Oh! Say hello to Jeff Healey for me, would ya? That blind bastard’s music spoke to my soul.
I heard about this last night. So sad. As a tribute, I cut a hole in my Russian neighbor’s fence, sneaked through under the cover of darkness, and shot him with his own AK.
I’m told Snoop dogg is known to “get a lil’ swayze” when he’s drunk.
Remember when he nailed that chick up against the wall?
That was awesome.
DeFrank, good point. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mean,just the other day I got Alex Winter’s career confused with Bill Paxton’s career and those have both been dead for some time now.
I heard that Rooster and Trish were going to dig up his body shortly after burial and stuff it full of ice and bomb pops for the kids. That’s right, he’ll be Heavan’s Cooler.
I was riding my mustang Blaze through the meadows one foggy morning and as I rode, Blaze was startled by something in the mist. He bucked me off of him and I hit the ground. As Blaze bucked and whinnied in fear as stranger came out of the mist, his hair wild and untamed like the mane of a lion. He soothed Blaze and stroked his neck until Blaze became calm once more. The stranger helped me up and I opened my mouth to thank him but he shushed me, brushing his finger lightly against my lips. We rode Blaze together for hours, and when I asked his name he simply replied, “Swayze me crazy.”
R.I.P. Patrick Swayze, aka Johnny Castle, aka James Dalton, aka Sam Wheat, aka Truman Gates, aka Jed the Wolverine, aka Bodhi aka…. my friend.
Huh?
I’m just going to steal this because Crapbasket isn’t going to be here until this afternoon…
NOBODY PUTS SWAYZE IN THE CORONER!
*clap* . . . *clap* . . . *clap*
Good Christ, Donk. That was beautiful.
Would it be OK with you if we wrote a reminder of things we forget to do today, otherwise.. using a green magic marker if it’s alright on the back of your head?
Kanye: Yo Patrick Swayze, I know you just died, and I’m going to let you finish, but Michael Jackson’s death was the best celebrity death of all time! All time !
Donk, I cold stole that shit from you for my FB status. Respect.
Seriously people, no one remembers North and South? EPICNESS. The thing was like a major event in the 80’s.
And look at this smooth mother working his magic!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_0s5vz5TIs
“I used to fuck guys like you in the morgue!”
I stole that “coroner” line on one of my wife’s friend’s FaceBooks last night and got dropped as a friend. So yeah, it’s fucking beautiful alright.
Swayze is already tired of Ronald Reagan asking him to do that impression of the ex-president he always loved so much.
I watched Red Dawn again last week and William Smith was the best thing in it. Sad to see Lord Patrick of Swayze go, though.
dont worry about his death, whoopy´s here!
@ Jessica D. Was North and South the one with the bizarre serial killer subplot? Or was that The Blue and the Gray?
“It’s my way or the highway…” RIP Dalton… you taught me to ‘just be nice” thanks bro…
Here lies Patrick Wayne Swayze
Loving Husband
Devoted Father
Outsider
Wolverine
Dirty Dancer
Slave Aficionado
Philosophical Cooler
Presidential Bank Robber
Drag Queen
Anti-Christ
Nah 9, it’s more like –
Here Lies Patrick Swayze
Owner of the Baddest Fucking Mullet in History!
Damn, I was hoping he’d live long enough to play solid snake.
When I heard Swayze died, I dropped a Double Deuce.
this might be a bit too Aussie for you yanks but its still relevant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkM9cDiWJ6o
He was a great actor and will be missed.
I think this tribute will be a welcome addition to this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1_JG44Nbso
Yeah, Beardy McBitchTits is really gonna die in his prime…
:rolleyes-wankmotion-gagreflex-mom:
@thoseguys … that was YOU?
You actually think that’s funny? You fat fucken idiot. Or skinny lameass idiot. You’re both fucked.
The whole point of making fun of dead celebrities is TO BE FUNNY, motherfuckers!
My fucking fuck in sweet fuck-fuck … you guys are seriously shit.
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