(I swear to God I happened upon this picture completely by accident)
Unbeknownst to most of us, Stephenie Meyer’s first novel for adults, The Host, was released last year. Now some producers have bought the movie rights. Oh don’t worry, it sounds awesome.
Meyer’s novel is a love story set in the near future on Earth, which has been assimilated by an alien species that call themselves “Souls.” They are benevolent parasites that subsume the conscious [the conscience? the consciousness? don't look at me, I don't speak retard.] of humans and take possession of their bodies. One such soul, The Wanderer (so named because she has wandered among so many different worlds) is fused with a dying human named Melanie Stryder [Melanie Stryder? Is that like Mephenie Steyer?], in an attempt to locate the last pocket of surviving humans on Earth. The Wanderer cannot subsume the forceful Melanie, and they battle for the girl’s memories and her spirit. [Variety]
Here’s an even better synopsis from Publisher’s Weekly:
Planet-hopping parasites are inserting their silvery centipede selves into human brains, curing cancer, eliminating war and turning Earth into paradise. But some people want Earth back, warts and all, especially Melanie Stryder, who refuses to surrender ["I refuse to be inserted!" she shouts* -Ed.], even after being captured in Chicago and becoming a host for a Soul called Wanderer. Melanie uses her surviving brain cells to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert. When the pair find Melanie’s brother and her boyfriend in a hidden rebel cell led by her uncle, Wanderer is at first hated. Once the rebels accept Wanderer, whom they dub Wanda, Wanda’s whole perspective on humanity changes. [via Wikipedia: "She is later nicknamed 'Wanda' by Mel's eccentric Uncle Jeb.] While the straightforward narrative is short on detail about the invasion and its stunning aftermath, it shines [one might even say it SPARKLES] with romantic intrigue, especially when a love triangle (or quadrangle?!) develops for Wanda/Melanie. [via /Film]
Hmm, I think using your surviving brain cells to refuse assimilation into an invading horde of boring parasites might be a metaphor for growing up Mormon. (Aw, just bustin’ yer balls, momos. Love the blonde women).
*not really.
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“I refuse to be inserted!” she shouts
Dor.
Sho.
Gha.
Tom Cruise was born to play Wanda.
I got Stephanie Meyer a present…
*reaches into last pocket of surviving humans, pulls out middle finger*
So it’s about a young girl with a repressed memory, as an alien and her uncle fight over her body, all while she’s screaming “I will not be inserted!”
I thought Stephenie Meyer only wrote fiction?
Melanie Stryder? Are they getting Viggo Mortensen for the role?
Meyer’s novel is a love story set in the near future on Earth, which has been assimilated by an alien species that call themselves “Souls.” They are benevolent parasites that subsume the conscious…
Wtf. Isn’t that the basis for Scientology?
Meyer: (noun) A difficulty or embarrassment that is hard to extricate yourself from; “Society is still trying to climb out of the Meyer that is Twilight.”
*reads post*
Di…did I just huff aircraft glue?
They battle for her memories until they discover that she’s been fucking her dad for the past 10 years.
Her nickname is Wanda? That makes me think of Toby Huss’ (Thank you IMDB) character from Down Periscope who is named Nitro and wants to have his nickname be “Mike”.
Just a love letter to the tapeworm that keeps her an arm’s length from two hundred pounds. Mormons can breathe easy.
For the sake of my sanity if this is the last post of the day can you please replace it at the top of the page with Megan Fox’s Vagina?
KTHXBAI.
< < < < < can’t WAIT to read this!!!:!!#:@-13 943qwt954vqg2 hklesrkb t
Wanda is later shortened to WMD by Melanie’s retarded cousin George.
Weapons of Menstrual Destruction?
Fitting that there would be an ad for a Book of Mormon staring at me next to this post.
Not even if it were the only way to keep me alive would I read one more sentence written by that broad.
That ^^ didn’t sound so much like Yoda in my head.
Love triangle? How obtuse!
*takes out gun, loads it with first post, shoots self in foot, cries, masturbates
So, remind me again, is Stephanie Meyer a Mormon or a Scientologist? Cause this possessed by an alien soul business sounds an awful lot like Dianetics
Shit. sorry Jirish. Hope the boot print comes out of you dick
Mormontologist?
Scien-latterists?
Fucktard. That’s the one.-
Come to think about it though, , it seems to me that L. Ron Hubbard and Stephanie Meyer are the same person….. both are followed mindlessly by pathetic losers who don’t actually know what bullshit they’ve been reading is supposed to mean.
I think the summary at Eibmoz sums it up:
Teh Ghey, for crazy cat women
Here’s an even better synopsis:
This book smells like anal leakage.
Randi Hitler thinks Meyer can’t write for shit.
It’s okay Rock, I was as amazed as you were.
either way Jiri, I should, you know, actually read the comments before diving in like that
Hate all you want, I’m going to corner the concessions on “Insert the Silvery Centipede” T-shirts.
I was close to saying I’ll wear one, but then I stopped to consider the logistics of that…
In olden Londontown, negro barbers where reknowed for their scrote shaving skills. The secret lay in how they “lather dey taints.”
*puts e-meter back under desk*
Tom Cruise’s thetans bad, Stephanie Meyers parasites possibly good, Jett Travolta’s parasites doing nature’s work.
Hope that helps.
Nope, couldn’t find a decent joke to shoe horn lather dey taints into. So’s I said to myself, “Self, fuck it.”
And putting a k in renowned was fucking brilliant.
Is the Twilight book cover from the Mormon Tabernapple Choir?
Shop, is an e-meter what you measure your e-peen with?
Spork, Arizona, is already preparing for the tourist influx.
Like most mormons, Meyer wears magic underwear*
*Potential powers include talking to your cats, cravings for Ben and Jerry’s, and dieing alone
“The Silvery Centipede” has won me several breakdancing competitions.
I wear magic underwear also. What’s inside them makes panties drop.
* hint, it’s a rape stick
My e-meter is candy for runaways.
I have all those powers and I don’t wear magic underwear. Or normal underwear for that matter.
Banner Pic: Read Stephanie Meyer and not even your cats will look at you.
Meyer’s next book should be about a lonely, unattractive Mormon woman who writes books of low quality and hilariously lusts after closeted homosexuals.
I’ve got my fingers crossed that the “Uncle Jeb” tag gets used often.
I keep a Magic Johnson in my magic underwear.
So I guess that’s a NO to my Megan Fox Vagina request?
Try
Celebrexyelling, swi.This post is comment death. Somebody start a Busey riff, or a pun war.
Hey, Swi, were you lying about the magic underwear? So, that wasnt a Harry Potter wand in them? And, I didnt break it when it went all limp and wet?
Liar
So they are intergalactic bugs that control your thoughts?
KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
No, I wasn’t lying.
A Harry Potter wand is a rape stick.
Yes you did break it. . . it got better.
* this comment is funnier if you read the last bit as Eric Idle.
Fun fact you should know:
Turd splashes cause AIDS.
(This message brought to you by The Holy See)
Wait, are we now going to have a whole Host of new tards to laugh at?
Hostards?
Underwear schmunderwear. Magic only happens when you wear them outside of your garter.
*winks at Crap*
Ooooh is it all the ladies and Crappy this afternoon?
[tabs to Expedia, buys ticket to SeaTac]
Ummm, no. I am still here. Let this PFC meeting come to order.
Mormons:
Accepting Jesus into their hearts: Since the beginning
Accepting silvery centipedes into their brains: Since 2009
Accepting gays into their houses: Not gonna happen.
Fuckin hell Donk. The Drunkettes were just about to strip and start pillow fighting.
Dick.
Three of us, three of you. Someone’s gone get pregnant!
*downs piss boot, slams it on bar, staggers off stool and up to Erswi*
Lemme tell you a little ’bout pillow fightin’. You never wanna get the pillow yer fightin’ confused with the pillow yer fuckin’; that’s how a man gets sticky knuckles and bruised [hic] testicles.
From Chapter 4 – “Dreamed”:
Milk, cheese slices, leftovers in a plastic bowl. I hope it’s the chicken-and-rice thing I watched him cooking for dinner. We’ll eat this tonight.
Juice, a bag of apples. Baby carrots. These wills tay good till {sic}morning.
I hurry to the pantry. I need things that will keep longer.
I can see better as I gather as much as I can carry. Mmm, chocolate chip cookies.
I think it’s quite remarkable I got as far through Twilight as I did.
Alternatively, you can go here http://bing.search.sympatico.ca/?q=%22stephenie%20meyer%22%20and%20host&mkt=en-ca&setLang=en-CA if you want to torture yourself (or yourself and your coworkers if you want to read it out loud).
Thanks, Al. My magic undies are dry again.
Remember people, this bitch has more money than God now. For that ^
I suppose I could have read it all in search of something sexier than her shopping list, Chino, but my eyes started to bleed.
Al, I’ve never seen anybody successfully use a sentence about leftovers as fighting words, but if you ever post that shit in here again, I’m gonna wire the ignition on your favorite gas-powered member of your armada so it explodes before you do.
Haven’t they already made this movie?
Sounds an awful lot like A Felch Called Wanda.
serious
Her books read like an 8-year old’s diary, or an uneducated, undersexed adult Mormon housewife’s shopping list, yet people all over the world are going insane. What the hell am I missing? I read very diverse stuff, and a lot of it. But I really really don’t get it.
/serious
WTF?! We were talking about garters (boing) a second ago, I deflect my boss for a few ticks and now we’re quoting from some vapid gash’s book?!
Gadammit Al, you’re kicked off the veranda!
Though, chocolate chip cookies do sound rather “Mmm” right now.
I’d rather read Stephenie’s brother, Oscar’s book. It’s sure to have weiners in it.
Crappy – two boys, a girl, and a few bottles of Yellow Tail in a hotel room.
Better?
I’m crashing your hotel wine party.
[sighs] Much better thanks.
Doot Doot! Don’t forget da Doot Doot!
Wine? -check
Pillow? -check
Garter? -check
*kicks in hotel door*
Fuck. Forgot Uno.
*goes back home*
Woot! DJ noMo, jump into this bitch! Just be prepared to
entertainabuse the help![Sniffs random piss boot]
Who the fuck ate asparagus?!
*sniffs random mooncup*
Is this a Bloody Mary?
(sorry, that was gross. Even for us)
/not sorry at all
Mary? No real names!
[leans in]
So which one’s named Mary?
This book has a trailer:
http://www.hachettebookgroup.com/features/thehost
It doesn’t contain a kick to the nuts–it IS a kick to the nuts.
PS Dan Brown is worse.
DOR SHO GAH!!!
Gay rape vanner mobile!!
http://thatwillbuffout.com/
What? You found Stephenie Meyer books under my mattress? I swear, I only get them for the pictures. Really.
Wow. Look at all those tailpipes. The possibilities are endless.
Holy flaming hell, Crap!
Rape vans are very horny.
White rape vans are very honky.
If a zipper head doesn’t drive that van I’ll eat my own foot.
There is no way in hell I’m doing any more work for the next half hour.
Who’s up for ping pong?
Thanks Crap, my carbon fiber bumper canard vagina joke finally makes sense.
That van would beat Rooster’s van in a compition, but the down side is that probably fishtails all the time.
Ping Pong, oral favo(u)rs for the winner?
OK, I gotta go get some more info on that van. BRB ROTFJO!!
I’ll play ping pong with you. I’ve got this really cool trick that I can do. I’ll show you.
Info fail.
Empty Jenkem balloon :(
I already know that trick, but Crappy might like to see it.
I can juggle two billiard balls and a severed head…
…with my anus!
[grabs safety googles, wet wipes]
Ready!
You gotta give me some more time, Crap … you think I have billiard balls with me everywhere I go?
Cheezus…
Oh I was prepping for noMo’s show, azmo. But I think she’s gone so, you’ll do I spose.
I had to go get my bowling ball. Now THAT’s a trick!!
Dad?
No dear, that’s HOLYFUCKINGCHRISTAREYOUKIDDINGME[vomit, skeet, pass out]
In other words, Tijuana.
What? I was just gonna show you how good I bowl but it went in the gutter.
Hey, you said skeet! YOU’RE SICK!!!
Skeet?
I’ll retch!
Yeah, I got more important things to do, too.
*continues trying to play ‘Master Of Puppets’ on Kazoo Hero*
I Wanda how much this movie is going to suck.
Hopefully, they’ll market it with the full title:
The Host: Not The Kick-Ass Korean Monster Movie Of The Same Name – This Is Genuine US-of-A-Grade Horseshit
“Melanie uses her surviving brain cells to persuade Wanderer to help search for her loved ones in the Arizona desert.”
That’s not fair. Melanie doesn’t go ‘Full Retard’, but the audience will be forced to.
Yep, I’ll be here all night. Watching you sleep.
- Uncle Jeb.
I’m gonna’ go out on a limb here and guess that everything else in the novel takes a backseat to the romantic crap. I mean, who cares about aliens when there’s a love triangle?!
… God, I hate Stephanie Meyer.
The fact that she spells her name Stephenie does all legitimate Stephanie’s everywhere a disservice.
But I’m not bitter..,
The fact that she spells her name Stephenie makes her not half the woman you are.
It also makes her retarded.
they made this movie already and it’s called “invasion” with Nicole Kidman, way to go with the originality, lady