DON’T YOU EYEBALL F ME, VAMPIRE
09.30.09
Twilight Saga: New Moon just released three new posters, and the clear winner is awkward eye contact. The posters feature the Cullens, Dakota Fanning’s Volturi (GRR, VAMPIRE POLICE!), and those greasy ethnic werewolves who specialize in shapeshifting and tempting white women, respectively. But in each case, their direct gaze seems to say, “I desperately want to eyeball f’ck you, but you’ll have to settle for eye-blowjobs until we’re married. It’s much sexier this way, no?”
Meanwhile, the creeper award goes to the guy in the top right corner of the Cullen poster. Jesus he’s scary. It looks like he’s been taking acting lessons from the Fame kid. Make love to the camera! Yes! Yes! Now, put your jazz hands down its pants!
[via Yahoo]
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Edward will brown eye fuck you so you may remain pure.
Brock Lesnar would “ground and pound” the ghey outta Cullen there!
…
GRRR…REAR-NAKED SLASH FANFIC!!!
NOT PICTURED: the mirror and the boombox playing “Goodbye Horses”
That’s his ‘come hither’ look. If you do come hither, you’ll see his ‘holy shit, now what do I do’ look.
He calls that look Boo Steel.
BANNER PIC
A poster for the new Twilight movie OR a screen shot from the queerest orgy ever filmed.
That guy looks like Andy Dick after you tell him there’s no more cocaine in the whole world.
That Edward dude’s head gets more misshapen every time I see it. It looks like it’s just gonna explode one of these days. OH OH OH, metaphor!
Bedwomb eyes.
(Prominent vampire’s react to Twilight promotion)
Dracula: Guys…I mean…what the fuck?
Blade: Yeah. I gotta agree with Vlad there. I would stab you with my sword but you’d probably want me to stick in your ass.
Lestat: Dude. You guys make me look like Harrison fucking Ford for Christ sake.
Sesame Street Count: 1…2…3…4…twinks! Hahaha!!
Oh baby, don’t blink, don’t you dare blink, I’m almost there
Go on, try to keep me from lunch at the bath house now.
Sure, we all enjoy poking fun, but let me read from the Book of Rice: “Let he who is without pigment cast the first clove…”
We can rest easy folks. The only things these vampires bite are pillows.
Menudo looks great.
Unlike his fangs, Edward’s eyes are very piercing.
Yeah, weird eyes over there, but what about racing stripe highlight guy in the very back? I’m guessing he was late to the shoot due to lame.
Dakota’s career has already gone South.
When did the concept of a vampire government come about? Was it Rice that started that shit?
30 Days of Night is the kind of vamps I want. Evil and bloodthirsty with no pity or remorse. Not this Harlequin Romance crap, and not even the Highlander-esque versions in True Blood. (although I reserve the right to continue enjoying the copious amounts of nudity in TB)
*Throws on Oakley CondomFrames*
Well, that look is very… polarizing.
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!
I haven’t been looked at like this since I was stripped searched in jail.
Dakota Fanning has eyeliner! Evil! and Judicious!
Angelo Mendoza should take some PCP and have at this poster.
The only thing comparable to the amount of white and suck in this picture is Whiteout.
And your Mom, Miz.
I cant help it, I have yourmomitis.
I’m just glad that bleached assholes aren’t just for the porn industry anymore.
…
Well played, Eib. Mosseltoff.
Posters like these make me thankful for the Karma Police. I don’t know when, or how exactly, but everyone of these fuckers will die of Olive Garden accident-related injuries.
That poster is what you get when Hot Topic hires the people who do American Apparel ads.
That Mexican guy in the center pushed his arms against a door frame for 60 seconds. “OH WEIRD! It totally worked! They’re lifting on their own you guys! Creeeeeepy!”
Ohh Donkey, I loves me some American Apparel photography. Ever been to their corporate website and checked out the model pages? Hint: boobies!
This poster sucks so hard, you don’t need tacks to stick it to the wall.
I don’t see how choking on a cock can be Olive Garden related. Wait, yes I do.
Hairy, I’m not saying I’ve never jerked off to American Apparel ads, I’m just saying that most of the fantasies I’ve had involving those girls have included things like me punches and choking.
Banner pic: “is THIS your card??!!???”
[banner pic]
Michael Jackson’s reincarnation chart.
The Lost Boys thinks these people need some sun.
Each of these posters could do with a decent Cullen.
I FUCKING LOVE BEING THE ONLY ONE HERE!