09.22.09 MALKOVICH, SARAH J PARKER FOR ‘SECRETARIAT’
Haha, just kidding, you guys, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t actually in this Secretariat movie. I was just making a joke because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but many people say she somewhat resembles a horse. No really, it’s true.
Dylan Walsh, John Malkovich and Scott Glenn are saddling up for “Secretariat,” the story of the horse that won the 1973 Triple Crown. Diane Lane stars as the horse’s owner Penny Tweedy, the housewife who broke though a gender barrier to usher Secretariat to greatness. Walsh plays Lane’s husband, a successful attorney who is accustomed to his wife being at his beck and call. Malkovich plays a charismatic trainer who underestimates the power of Secretariat; Glenn is a southern-bred aristocrat who loses the horse in a coin toss. [THR]
Hey, didn’t we already make this movie when it was called Seabiscuit? A different horse wins the Kentucky Derby every year, they don’t all need movies. When you break it down, a horse just happens to be the only animal stupid enough that you can not only climb on its back, but whipping it actually makes it take you places faster. Try pulling that sh’t with a retarded kid. Go ahead, I’ll wait. You don’t even have to promise the horse anything. You just scare it, which isn’t hard because it’s an idiot, and then if it’s more scared than the other horses you start treating it like it’s the effing pope. Screw horses. The only way I’m seeing this movie is if it’s about a guy who boxes horses. Cinderella Horse, they could call it. Because hits them so hard they lose a shoe, you see.
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There are 27 comments about:
MALKOVICH, SARAH J PARKER FOR ‘SECRETARIAT’
I’ll be GLUED to my seat.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s favorite band is
Hall &Oates.Sarah Jessica Parker likes to ride bareback.
I just threw up in my mouth.
Sarah Jessica Parker does not look like a horse. Everybody knows horses are pretty animals.
Secretariat had the added benefit of having a freakishly large heart. It was like if the Grinch took steroids after learning the true meaning of Christmas, then entered into horse races, but forgot about the dog he made wear antlers.
I’ll be honest, I kinda forgot where I was going with that.
You’re playing a trainer in another boring movie about a horse? Apparently ‘being’ John Malkovich actually blows.
Horses and female empowerment? Throw Colin Firth in there as a romantic interest and you’d have the trifecta for moms.
Screw horses.
I’m sensing a visit from Chris Hansen and Deputy Dawg.
Donk lemme get that for you. . . Kim Cattrall is the dog wearing antlers.
That guy in Virginia is calling this the sexiest movie of the year.
Horses taste just like filet klignon.
Horse racing movies are an excellent source of inspiration for people who like to whip and ride two-year olds.
Nice shoes, asshole.
Jockeys have to pass the “You must be this tall to ride” sign like at Six Flags, but in reverse. Pow! Like, their universe is a polar opposite of our own, man.
HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF MY KEYBOARD TERRENCE!
Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn’t play Secretariat. That role would be perfect for Maggie Gyllenhaal. She has prior experience in that S&M movie she was in with James Spader.
The Fresh Prince must have made Secretariat’s shoes, because Hollywood doesn’t have any other black Smiths.
Malkovich plays a charismatic trainer
If Malkovich can pull of charismatic, that will be the best acting job since Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch.
In related news, Touchstone is also working on a new feminist film where the beastly main character gets whipped and degraded, but remains inspired to succeed. Secretary of State opens Presidents’ Day, 2011.
Didn’t Secretariat pal around with a goat ? Vera Farmiga for the goat. Sexy, sexy goat.
I didn’t care for Seabiscuit, so I’m voting neigh on this one.
Secretariat’s first crush?
Whinny Cooper.
Yet another role where Sarah Jessica Parker wears expensive shoes and gets ridden by a man.
Sarah Jessica Parker is a Whorse.
So she’s actually into carrots and not carats?
Pfft. This will never work. Whoever heard of a horse racing movie without a precocious little girl?
Although, fingers crossed for an energetic Diane Lane brushing scene…
Preferably on a hot summer’s evening..
Without the horse…
And in the bathtub.
They should just call the movie “Diane Lane Pets Her Horse*
*Horse means vagina.”
You delete MY post instead of the prior 25 mindless teen age
comments ? As I said….Intelligent commenters ? where ?
This site is lame. Later.
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