09.17.09 JESSICA SIMPSON HIRED ACE VENTURA
Coyotes ran off with Jessica Simpson’s Malti-Poo (this just in, I hate anyone who owns a dog breed with “poo” in the title) on Monday, but she should have it back any day now, because as Us Magazine reports, professional pet detectives are on the case.
Findtoto.com’s Colleen Busch tells Us, “We’re kind of an amber alert for missing pets. We took the address of where Daisy went missing and we used that as a bulls-eye. We called 1,000 neighbors in the surrounding area and sent out a 30-second message with details about Daisy and her disappearance, and details on how to get in touch with Jessica’s assistant.”
Gosh, I hope they find Daisy before the coyotes rape her and get her addicted to drugs and sell her to a prostitution ring! That’s what coyotes do when they kidnap dogs! Seriously, all I could think about the whole time I was reading this story was Ace Ventura on the phone with the coyotes, talking out of his ass, “If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that I don’t have money. What I do have is a *fart* icular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for coyotes like you…”
There are 25 comments about:
JESSICA SIMPSON HIRED ACE VENTURA
I hired a pet detective once. Big mistake. Turns out that cats can’t even work a camera.
Though they are quite stealthy in their surveillance.
No no. I’m sure these detectives will get to the MEAT of the matter. You hear that Jessica. MEAT.
It ate your dog, bitch. Tasted like chicken.
Gary Busey and Zog are very interested in this case.
Their last big case resulted in all the surviving members being found in some African village.
More like “Pushing Up Daisy”.
If this dog ever does fucking come back, it will be robbing banks for the Symbionese Liberation Army.
That bottom pic is the Ghana poster for Beaches.
A bimbo lost her baby!!
I heard coyotes ran off with Patches today, too. :(
HINT: Daisy is not in Kansas.
Dammit, Chino. I hope you’re wearing a cup because I’m about to STOMP on yo’ DICK.)
Those hacks at findtoto.com are in way over their heads on this one – this sounds like a job for dingobaby.com to me.
sam spade: so, you want me to find the maltese falcon´s poo?
Are they sure it was coyotes and not the New Moon werewolves? They are always stealing dogs. Not interested in kitties.
Seriously, though, can this cunt really be stupid enough to think Daisy has not been made dinner, let alone is still alive and well?
*looks at banner pic again*
Guess so.
The coyotes distracted and confused Jessica with some Chicken of the Sea tuna and made off with Daisy.
Spoiler alert!
This will not end well.
Zog on case. Zog promise return with poo.
Nick Lachey thinks this is hilarious.
Joe Simpson tried to console Jessica by staring lovingly into her breasts.
I’m just pissed I didn’t think of this scam quick enough to send her an email when I heard about this.
I’m pretty sure I could have gotten a friendly hj and a large check out of the deal.
The question isn’t whether or not they’ll find the dog, but will they stitch together the pieces they find and give it back to her.
What are they going to do, search coyote droppings?
LeeLoo MaltiPoo
[Plot Twist Spoiler]
Jessica Simpson is really Ray Finkle.
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