Courtesy of Destroythismovie, here’s an early bootleg copy of Sly Stallone’s epic mid-life crisis movie, The Expendables. It stars Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, The Stath, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Terry Crews, etc., and as we previously speculated, the trailer is filled with unintelligible grunting in a variety of accents. This is supposed to be a throwback to an 80s action flick, but if that’s the case they’re gonna have to do better than one-liners like “Bring it, Happy Feet!” Then Dolph Lundgren picks up Jet Li over his head (which, if movies have taught me anything, is how big white guys always fight little Asian guys) and shouts “Hello, Karma!” Come on, neither of those would’ve even made it to the cutting-room floor on Commando or The Last Boy Scout. Then some chick gets waterboarded — torn from the headlines! — and, hey! Who invited Stone Cold Steve Austin? What is this, Woodstock 99? I heard they call him the six-million dollar man. Not because he has the same name as the guy in the tv show, because that’s the most money a movie he was in has ever made.


Fact: Dentists will be the only humans capable of understanding all of the dialog.
This film should be be called The Depends-ables
Any more, a “Stone Cold Stunner” is an appletini with a roofie in it.
Works too busy today, someone make a good voice recognition software joke.
The Mighty Feklahr fervently hopes Dolph Lundgren verbally berates Jet Li at a library, “Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System?!?!”
Dolph Lundgren should have picked up Jet Li and treated us to a little Karma Chameleon. Now that’s entertainment.
Michelle bumps into Sly
M: Excuse me
Sly: Ebuddah Me
M: Excuse me?
Sly: Edible mu
M: Who sent you?
Sly: Mmble Ppbllt
M: Excuse me?
Sly: Embued smee
M: Okay byeeee
Stallone grabs Lundgren by the nuts: “It was da bessht of timesss…”
And proceeds to toss him out of a window: “…it was da worssht of timessh!”
And I’d like to buy a drink for the guy who squeezed out the lone lackluster “woooo” in there. I’m pretty sure that’s the sound of the end of the world.
*LOU FERRIGNO SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND BODYSLAMS JOAQUIN PHOENIX ON A MEAT HOOK!*
“HOOKED ON PHOENIX WORKED FOR ME!”
Bring it, Happy Feet!
He later goes on to say “Step Up 2 Da Street, Pocahontas!”
Turns out he has a mental affliction in which he can only speak in dance and childrens movie titles.
Did Stallone script this film by putting every known action movie cliche into a bingo tumbler?
*rattlerattlerattle*
“I was Special Forces!”
*rattlerattlerattle*
“Get the American!”
*rattlerattlerattle*
“I OWN YOU!”
*rattlerattlerattle*
“Bring it on, Happy Feet!”
* Mickey Rourke leaps up from table read *
RAMBO!!
Yep. This movie is going to require subtitles.
@Patty Boots – After reading Michelle’s post, I’m not sure how much subtitles will help.
Do they make subtitle-typing machines without vowels?
New up.
The best part was the girl by the camera who started going “ehhhhh” after the trailer ended.
Uhm…what the hell is going on????
I imagined the trailer being more like
Sly: Here we go again.
Statham: Oi, this ain’t moi fust rodeo mate!
Li: Oh herro!
Lundgren: *Shits pants*